To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/06/24 16:34
Subject: [K-list] A Rather L O N G Introduction
From: Brett Ramsdell
On 2002/06/24 16:34, Brett Ramsdell posted thus to the K-list:
Hello Everyone:
I've been a VERY longtime lurker on the K-list (over 2 years) and decided
that it's time to introduce myself and tell my story. I subscribed to the
list hoping to gain some insight on what I believe MIGHT be awakened K
activity. Lo these years later, I'm still not sure if that's what I'm
experiencing. For the last 18 months I've been meaning to write it all down
and get some expert opinions, and now I've decided to stop procrastinating
and just do it.
Before I start, I'd just like to thank all the contributors on the list for
creating such an incredible community. I've learned so much from you--about
K and about myself. When I first joined the list I had serious doubts about
whether I'd hang around for long. But here I am. And I'm very happy to say
that regardless of whether I'm experiencing K or not, the list has become
part of my sadhana, my path, my process. By simply reading I've drawn great
strength, encouragement, wisdom, and witnessed major
spiritual/psychological shifts within myself. I feel the Shakti while I
read your posts. Thank you again.
To put my story in a broader context, it's probably best if I give you some
background on where I've been. (Okay...this is a rather long story, so bear
with me.) My name is Brett, I'm 41 years old and live in New York City.
I've been "a seeker" of sorts for most of my life. I was baptized and
confirmed an Episcopalian, served as an altar boy, and sincerely sought
spirituality through mainstream Protestantism to the best of my teenage
ability. However, at age 15 I found my spiritual experience as an
Episcopalian to be a bit lacking.
Looking for a more exciting path of truth, I was led to a small storefront
Pentecostal church service in my suburban neighborhood. What I experienced
that night would alter the course of my life. What I "accidentally"
stumbled on was a full-blown born again, Holy Ghost, Bible believing,
tongue talking, church! This was like no church service I had ever attended
or even thought existed.
After that night, I found myself "sold" on the Pentecostal experience. For
the next six years (age 15 to 21) I was a full-fledged, card-carrying
fundamentalist Christian. During my Pentecostal sojourn, I experienced many
things that would have to be seen to be believed (or is it believed to be
seen?): speaking in tongues, interpretation of tongues, laying on of hands,
"quickening" and "quaking," slain in the Spirit, dancing in the Spirit,
exorcisms, prophecies, healings, word of knowledge, intoxicating spiritual
highs, etc.
You name it?I saw it (and experienced much of it). All very powerful stuff.
During those six years I witnessed what I thought undeniable proofs of the
power of Spirit. Some of them quiet, peaceful, and serene, while others
were hugely boisterous, powerful, and emotional?like a freight train. I
often described my most common sensation to feeling like a fire hose had
been inserted into the crown of my head and turned on full blast. Huge
gushes of energy flowing from the top of my head to the soles of the feet.
Other times it felt like the nrg came from the belly and moved upward.
It was literally feeling the direct power and presence of God made
manifest. And according to Pentecostal doctrine, these were signs and
wonders pointing to the power of God as manifested by the Holy Spirit. To a
somewhat naïve teenaged mind, it was very convincing and extremely life
changing. I bought into the entire fundamentalist Christian experience?both
the good and the bad of it.
But as I matured, much of the theology, doctrine, and dogma of my
fundamentalism began to break down for me. Questions started to arise, and
my faith in what I was taught to believe started to falter. I never doubted
the "Power" of my experiences, but the baggage of my accompanying belief
system became increasingly burdensome. At age 21, I concluded that the
occasional joy this "Power" sometimes brought could no longer offset the
pain, frustration, guilt, and depression that my belief system imposed on
my psyche. My primary goal in life has always been a search for happiness
and joy. But I found my life was filled with too much unhappiness. So in my
depression, I simply turned 180 degrees and walked away. I walked away from
the "Power" and the church, effectively closing that chapter of my life.
I left spiritual things entirely alone for 5 years or so but eventually
found myself in "seeking mode" again. My somewhat sudden renunciation of
fundamentalism left quite a few unanswered questions in my mind. It wasn't
long before they needed to be addressed. As I mentioned, I had witnessed
and experienced some VERY powerful forces at work and found I couldn't walk
away pretending these things never happened or that they somehow weren't
real. I needed to find some reconciliation. What was the nature and essence
of these phenomena? I rejected the fundamentalist dogma, but need I reject
and abandon all my experiences along with it? There was more to the story
and I needed to figure it out. By reading all of your wonderful posts, I
think that K may be the bridge of reconciliation that I've long sought.
Around 1997, I began studying the metaphysics of the New Thought movement,
particularly the work of Thomas Troward, Ernest Holmes, and Religious
Science. I found a great deal of resonance with these teachings as they
helped explain much of the religious experience outside of a strictly
faith-based, mystical framework. It helped me broaden my spiritual horizons
beyond my very myopic fundamentalist Christian perspective.
By 1999 (age 38), I was still looking for happiness, but still hadn't found
the key. The next leg of my journey was to explore neurotechnology as a
scientific way to bring peace of mind. I began experimenting with a "Light
and Sound" machine that utilizes flashing lights and sound frequencies to
alter brain wave patterns. The machine was helpful in creating some
interesting, entertaining, and profoundly relaxing experiences. But I
wanted more than distraction?I was looking for happiness.
I stopped using the Light and Sound machine to pick up on a meditation
program that uses binaural beat sound technology to induce deep meditative
states. (Just sound?no light.) The advertising pitch was, "Meditate like a
Zen monk at the touch of a button." In the beginning, I wasn't at all
interested in "meditating." I didn't need to get swept up into yet another
religious fervor. But I was willing to give the program a try if it
delivered on its promise of being "the most powerful personal growth and
mind development tool on Earth."
I found the meditation program to be extremely effective. Using it, I
achieved very deep meditative states and levels of mind (theta and delta)
with great ease. (Even monks who have been meditating for years generally
can't reach theta and delta.) Within weeks, things that ordinarily would
have annoyed me were no longer a bother. I started developing a detached
"witness" state.
Very cool, but I was expecting more. After three months it finally dawned
on me. I was walking home from work and it hit me like ton of bricks--I WAS
HAPPY!! For the first time in my adult life, I was happy. As it turns out,
this was just the beginning. This technologically enhanced meditation
changed my life. The best thing I've ever happened upon.
During my meditations, I began feeling "energy rushes" not unlike those I
experienced during my Pentecostal years. I didn't know what to make of
this, but didn't pay it much mind. The connection grew more clear during a
five-day meditation retreat in the summer of 2000.
As it turned out, the highlight of the retreat involved Holotropic
Breathwork (as developed by Stanislav Grof of the Spiritual Emergence
Network). During my breathwork session, the floodgates broke and I had
QUITE an experience. For nearly three hours I felt surge after surge of
energy coursing through my body, the likes of which I had only felt during
my most intense Pentecostal experiences. I had alternating moments of
hysterical laughter and crying, tremendous trembling and shaking (kriyas),
speaking in tongues/guttural noises, spontaneous and involuntary asanas,
and extreme bliss and serenity. I was definitely in an altered state of
consciousness, but at the same time I probably could have brought myself
out of it, had I so desired. But I was enjoying the ride too much so I just
surrendered to the experience.
This confirmed my suspicion that there was indeed a strong connection
between my Pentecostal experiences and my newfound energetic meditation
experiences. In fact, several times during the breathwork I thought to
myself, "this is exactly what I used to see happen to some people in
church." The difference is that Pentecostals called it "casting out demons"
instead of "Holotropic Breathwork."
Given the intensity of the experience, my naturally analytical and rational
mind was loaded with questions. I wound up reading Stan Grof's "The
Adventure of Self-Discovery." In it, he talks about Holotropic Breathwork
as a transformational tool and indicated that the experience can create
symptoms of Kundalini awakening. After reading about the symptoms, I
realized my breathwork experience certainly included elements of K
awakening. (But, at the same time, it was very much like a
Pentecostal/Charismatic X-ian experience as well.) In any case, I was
extremely
interested in learning more about this energy as well as in learning how to
work with it.
After reading about this, I started surfing the net for more info on K. And
that's how I found the Kundalini-Gateway list. I started reading posts
looking for some verification of what happened to me. Was this an
awakening, a partial awakening, a prelude to k awakening, or just running
prana or chi? I still don't know that I feel sure about it in my mind. And
having read the list for more than 2 years, I now know that there are as
many manifestations of K as there are Kundalites. However, I've never read
of anyone who's had an experience similar to mine. Many on the list seem to
have rather extreme manifestations that cause great disruption. Others have
gentler experiences. Mine gave been more of the gentle variety. But then
again, maybe they seem gentle because my K hasn't really awakened. Either
way is ok with me, I'm really enjoying the journey so far.
Anyway, after my breathwork experience I spoke with one of the retreat
staff that is an energy worker. I explained that given the intensity of my
experience, I'd like to look into working with energy myself. He encouraged
me to do so and suggested that Reiki might be a good place to start. So
about 6 months later, I received attunements for Usui Reiki Level I and II.
After my second attunement, I really noticed my energy levels begin to run.
My meditation practice grew more intense and I noticed a bit of what I call
"emotional overwhelm" at times. But its nothing I can't cope with. I also
feel like electric current or torrents of water are coursing through my
body. This is never painful and is sometimes mildly pleasant. (Sometimes
the energy runs very strong after smoking pot. I don't know what that's
about, either.)
I also started getting kriyas (e.g., shaking legs and arching of the back
into masi asana or the fish pose) while giving myself Reiki. I also have
much more cracking and popping of my spine and other parts of my body. (I
started cracking my neck way back in 1985. Since I began meditating and
doing Reiki, this has greatly increased to include my neck, back,
shoulders, and jaw.) I sometimes feel "compelled" to turn and twist my body
to get it to crack, but I can always stop myself from doing so if I want.
(I don't know if this means it's involuntary or not.)
Is this cracking/kriya thing significant? I find if I concentrate and
surrender to the feeling, I get strange energy sensations that start in the
pelvis and work their way up, resulting in a very rapid back-and-forth
shaking of the head that usually results in more cracking and a mild
feeling of euphoria. I've experimented with these sensations and found that
by focusing the kriyas up into my head and neck, I can actually get
cracking sounds and sensations that feel like I'm cracking the plates of my
skull. After doing this, my mood usually feels lighter and more positive. I
read Danijel Turina's website (an infrequent poster to the k list) and he
refers to a similar phenomenon as "upward kriya" (www.danijel.org).
The interesting thing about these kriya episodes is that I first began
feeling this electric shaky feeling in the belly/pelvis during my
Pentecostal years. They were pretty intense feelings with a strong
contraction of the muscles in my abdomen. I didn't know what they were at
the time--but I felt they weren't positive. (I thought I had a blockage of
sorts preventing the Holy Spirit from flowing freely.) Seeing that I didn't
like the idea of my "quenching the Spirit," I tried not to focus on these
feelings and mostly ignored them. Since my breathwork/Reiki experience, I
now see this "tight" feeling in my pelvis might be kriyas and that I don't
need to shun them but rather work with them to see if I can't loosen the
blockages. Does that make any sense?
I've also heard that ringing in the ears can be a sign of awakened K. I've
had constant tinnitus since my Pentecostal years and it continues to this
day.
Anyway, don't really know what to make of all this. While I do seem to have
something going on, I'm not sure what it is. Is this awakened K? If so,
what's the next step? Any thoughts, insights, or advice would be greatly
appreciated. I feel there's an important link between my experiences as a
Pentecostal and the energy I'm experiencing as a result of this rather
nontraditional meditation program and a more Hindu-centric, Advaita Vedanta
belief system.
I apologize for my wordiness, but I really wanted to give everyone as much
info as possible. Thanks for listening. I really enjoy being on the list
and almost feel like I know many of the frequent posters.
Reading the list each day truly is a part of my path (wherever it may
lead). Thanks to all of you for being a part of that path. Now that I've
told my story to the list? I look forward to being a more active
participant.
Pax et Lux,
Brett
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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