To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/06/09 14:59
Subject: [K-list] am i becoming worse?
From: LK

i don't know what worse means in the ultimate scheme of things, like worse
what?? lol

but through all of this surrenduring, i feel like i am becoming less nice,
less sweet, less humble, less compassionate, less accomodating, less good
and kind and certainly more self-centered. heck, just before writing this, i
surrendured my value of being all of these pretty things that make me a
likable person.

who would have guessed that much of my spiritual path has been about
learning to be a worse or even bad without running away from myself or
disowning myself? why would my surrenduring bring me here?

it is not that i am evil or mean in action, and i never seem to harm anyone
intentionally, and i am never really inclined to harm anyone. it is just
that i no longer feel like it is my responsibility to heal or eliminate
suffering (even though i am still devoting my livlihood to somatic
psychotherapy and take part in activism), to help everyone i encounter, or
to liberate the world of violence or negativity, or to edify my thoughts
into perfection or to allow my thoughts to command me. i guess i don't trust
my logic to guide me anymore, which is wierd for a former philosopher, and
am quite relieved to spend much of my time not thinking, except when i get
pulled back into processing like i am now or strategizing.

i know all of these people in a tirade against negativity, especially in
pursuits of abundance, NO NEGATIVE THINKING or you will manifest something
nasty...hey, maybe i will, but i was built this way, so what the heck, it
seems ungrateful to think i should grow myself. often it seems that it
doesn't matter what i think, how positive or how negative, because what
manifests is largely out of my hands, even when my negative thinking doesn't
EARN the miracle or my positive thinking does not ward off mass
suffering...though i seem to choose a great deal too, like i seemed to
choose to get trained as a bodyworker, and now i am which is wonderful.

i guess that right now at this moment i feel slightly negative, kindof
punchy, sometimes irritating, likely to harmlessly tease people, half
cocked, lowgrade angry, undertouched, overcontrolled, somebody shook me up
and popped the lid, my ovaries are itching, and i am no longer inclined to
change it even though it is kindof uncomfortable not to be utmostly friendly
since it means people are likely to not want to be around me until i act
enjoyably caring and admiring

sorry
i don't intend to be this way
it just happened when i stopped intending
and post rant, i think i will go back to being nice

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