To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/06/08 04:58
Subject: [K-list] Some threads of memory
From: A.S.A.
On 2002/06/08 04:58, A.S.A.posted thus to the K-list:
Dear list..
Lots of childhood memories coming up lately.. I can see some of the threads now. I believe I was born with an active K.. I'm not sure but that is what I feel at the moment.
When I was about 4 I used to sit by myself and play with my mind and try to imagine how big the universe was, enjoying pictures in a book called "God is everywhere" witch I have found when exploring the house.. I remember also the fantasies I had about women and the bliss I felt with this..I actually imagined myself as a man sometimes.. I now realize it was me longing for Goddess.
I had lots of imaginary destructions and glimpses of my future.. I remember I used to watch movies with drugs and destruction and horror .. and I just loved them.. I thought "I will destroy myself".. As I can see now it was symbolizing ego-death. My call for Kali.
In the storeroom at the front yard, I found a book with spells witchcraft and strange rituals.. I learned to cast a spell dont remember exactly what it was, but it was a visualization and some fingerpositions and a few words.. Maybe I will remember it more clearly later.. Oh, and a beautiful picture of Lucifer witch both scared and made me shiver of pleasure.
When I was about 5 years old I was with family in the north of Sweden.. I loved to ride slalom and I got really good at it.. My sister and got members in a club, and a school for kids slalom..
After we had been there for about 1½ week or so I joined slalomcontest.. I actually won this.. But before going home after this I wanted to celebrate by taking a last swing down the hills.. And guess what happened? I broke my leg :)
I believe that was goddess telling me to take it easy.. to look inwards.. I remember I felt kinda burduned by this not being able to use both my legs.. But also I had great growth at the same time. I learned to love loneliness..
A couple of years I practised Aikido.. I was about 9 years when I first started with this.. it is a spiritual path and budotechnique brought from Master Morihei Ueshiba.. It is actually a practise of surrender..
A words few words I was tought
"Aikido is non-resistance. As it is non-resistant, it is always victorious."
In sixth grade the class I was in school was moved to another bigger school with also "junior highs" (13-15 yrs).. I remember this got me confused, and I didnt have the time for Aikido anymore.. the confusion attracted other things..
In 7th grade the confusion was massive.. but at the same time I guess I somewhere understood that death was what was needed. Cause I really had selfdestructive behaviour.. .. I projected goddess onto people usually female friends and they got attached too me.. also had heaps of boys running around me.. And my ego liked the attention.. but at the same time it was horrible I just wanted to be left alone... I actually tried to convince myself that sex was what would help me.. but that didnt satisfy me in any way.. neither did my projections.. this only altered my need to crush everything that was blocking me.
When I was about 15 I had my first acid experience.. on my own actually.. shakti blew my heart wide open and I was in my own womb again.. but only temporarily. This got me even more frustrated.. and I went on with all sorts of drugs just wanting to melt my brain to nothing.,
A girl named Jessica entered my perceptions.. We became best friends and I remember when we had sex the first time.. it was really a mindblowing experience for both of us not to be described with words.. Heh.. we got kinda attached to eachother after that.. but unconsiously and consciously we kept hurting eachother in every possible way.. That makes beautiful symbolism as I look at it now.
Oh.. truly undescribable..
With Love..
A.S.A.
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