To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/06/05 09:06
Subject: Re: [K-list] Ego / shadow / nothing
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent

At 02:10 PM 30/05/02, Rich wrote:
>If I could I would give up my ego. I know that goddess on the inside is
>perfection and everlasting beauty. I want to become this goddess and not
>care about the stupid things I grasp for that always come round and
>cause me pain later. Once I get inside goddess I should never feel alone
>again.
>
>So I ask goddess to lift this from me. And after a bit of a fight. some
>spasms and funny energy thingies feeling like rockets going up inside me
>and then exploding. .I finally give in..
>
>NOTHING
>
>That's all. That's what I was left with... And it was peaceful. I was
>the one that looked but not grasped. Just looked. It was nice.

    Isn't it?

> Didn't
>seem to have any motivation though. This was a bit weird. So what.. I
>have no ego and then there is nothing to do.. Hmmm.. maybe I better with
>an ego then. Best to have something to do than be stuck with a body
>that's going to turn grey and wrinkly.. It didn't feel the same as
>non-duality but the head was empty mostly.

>
>It lasted for about 5 seconds and then I'm back again. Ego popped up
>it's ugly head once more. So I ask why..

You asked for it back. Heh, tolja you were not wanting peace...

>The answer I hear is that I
>didn't own it.

    Right. You came to visit, but you did not abide there. You did not
accept it as "Home." As "you." You immediately found discomfort with the
new and asked to have your ego back to give you motivation.
    Nothing. Peace. Own it. It is you.

>Own nothing? Seems like it.. It can't be really. I have to hold on to
>it. Hold on to nothing..

Essentially, yes. In the nothing, there still may be noise, but you
look at it without grasping ... stick with the looking but not grasping or
wanting to change, hold to the peace and let the thoughts pass, as thoughts
do. Surrender everything, see what Goddess gives back...
    You allowed a rising ego thought-fear (what if I get old and gray
having done nothing) be more important than the peace of being Goddess. You
owned it, believed it was you and abandoned the silence.

>This is how it seems. If I don't then the
>snakes will come out again.. The nasty ones.

    Watch out for those nasty snakes... ;)

>So will my ego go or will I go on with ego.. I realise it's my choice.
>But I haven't found a convincing answer yet..

    You do not need your ego to give you motivation. Do you think Zen
Masters are slackers? The motivation that comes from the nothing and the
looking without grasping, is Dharma. Ego motivation is karma. Your choice. ;)

>PS Don't really know why I'm writing this or posting this.

    Yeah you do. It is because you want attention to your story.
 Blessings...

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