To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/30 14:10
Subject: [K-list] Ego / shadow / nothing
From: Rich
On 2002/05/30 14:10, Rich posted thus to the K-list:
I've been on a bit of a roller-coaster in this last week.... Some weird
shit happening and falling into some deep crevasses and having to dig
myself out again and again. Partly what motivated me to post earlier
about clearing/letting go. I seem to have become quite good at this of
late. Actually it's becoming quite fun dare I say that. Learning to love
all the shit inside of me..
I do actually feel exhausted in some ways.
I settled in to have a face-to-face with goddess and my angels .... Will
you help me out of this mess.
+ Okay sit down and relax.
I seemed to just keep thinking about everything... Is this working...
What's happening now... Am I hearing the right message.... What do I
have to do.... all very confusing. think my heads going to explode. it's
hurting anyway.
Sorry for being such a shit at times....
+ That's okay - you're not really a shit... You just think you are.
I feel like the flower that hasn't opened.
The more I look at this stuff the darker it all appears. The lack of
energy within me as closed me put me face to face with some of the
horrors and demons within me. All the stuff I had been ignoring. All the
stuff I didn't want to accept as being a part of me. Very ugly.
So I say please I want to let go of all this. move beyond it. I'm tired
of it all.
+ I then get the idea that this is perhaps what the middle path is
about. To give but not too much. To take but not too much. To feed off
the fountain but not too greatly. To empty the cistern but not cause a
flood. Walking down the middle. Watching where the energy goes and
opening and closing the valves to keep the energy in place and moving up
through to the crown..
Heck I've struggled with some throat issues of late. Can't express
myself. This seemed to have a lot to do with it.
If I could I would give up my ego. I know that goddess on the inside is
perfection and everlasting beauty. I want to become this goddess and not
care about the stupid things I grasp for that always come round and
cause me pain later. Once I get inside goddess I should never feel alone
again.
So I've been running this line for a short while now. Not with too much
intention. Realising that desiring to give up my ego would only get in
the way of actually giving it up. Grasping again.
+ So I try to love all my ugliness and let goddess meet with it. It's
yours now.. I'm through with the hell hole. You can have it. How about
being stuck down a dark hole under the ground and left to go insane from
lack of contact from others and the shouting of one's inner mind.
Yummie. I'll have two of those with fries please..
So what is this stupid god damn ego I keep living through..
Well this is all I understand now. Ego is all about getting attention
from others in whatever way possible. It's what I cling on to because my
own inner fire has been left un-stoked. My energy body has tensed up to
the point that the energy has been squeezed out of it like ringing out a
wet cloth. I'm the cloth that's been left to dry out. If I could soak
that cloth in the water of the divine then my ego would be no longer I
feel.
So I ask goddess to lift this from me. And after a bit of a fight. some
spasms and funny energy thingies feeling like rockets going up inside me
and then exploding. .I finally give in..
NOTHING
That's all. That's what I was left with... And it was peaceful. I was
the one that looked but not grasped. Just looked. It was nice. Didn't
seem to have any motivation though. This was a bit weird. So what.. I
have no ego and then there is nothing to do.. Hmmm.. maybe I better with
an ego then. Best to have something to do than be stuck with a body
that's going to turn grey and wrinkly.. It didn't feel the same as
non-duality but the head was empty mostly.
It lasted for about 5 seconds and then I'm back again. Ego popped up
it's ugly head once more. So I ask why.. The answer I hear is that I
didn't own it.
Own nothing? Seems like it.. It can't be really. I have to hold on to
it. Hold on to nothing.. This is how it seems. If I don't then the
snakes will come out again.. The nasty ones.
So will my ego go or will I go on with ego.. I realise it's my choice.
But I haven't found a convincing answer yet..
Or am I just going insane..
Rich
PS Don't really know why I'm writing this or posting this.
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