To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/28 13:07
Subject: Re: [K-list] Inquiring mind would like to know
From: Jill Jones
On 2002/05/28 13:07, Jill Jones posted thus to the K-list:
Hi Erik, thanks for responding.
Even your questions are overwhelming, but I'll take a stab at them. It is dreadfully difficult to get started on something like this, just because so much background information is missing, and this is neither the time nor the place to go into it.
Yes, I feel like the road is impossible or too difficult. Exactly so. The words I read and hear about the experiences of others and the things they went through (or didn't, having been in some way blessed by the unexpected events) seem very far away from my frame of experience. I have an analytical mind, and have actually come a long way in the quest for faith, in spite of it. I've had a few synchronicities that I can't deny, and once or twice, i've felt touched by the hand of god.
But then it comes back to discontentment. I don't know if I forget, or if it's just a cyclical thing, or what it is. At the same time I think I have gotten somewhere, I feel I have gotten nowhere. At the same time I think I am perfect, I think I am hopelessly flawed, and am dreadfully afraid someone else will notice. Paradox. The fuel of the universe. Or so I've heard.
One of my synchronicities involves the entire group issue. According to my experience, what you say is exactly true. I am not meant to be a member of a "group." However, I am absolutely the most pathetic at meditation. Sure, i sat down for 30 minutes a day for more than a year. at the end of the year, i was still sitting there with my mind running rampant without me paying it the least attention. frustrating.
What is overwhelming me is that there is too much to choose from. Too many different ways, too many different techniques. I don't know which one is "mine", and i *haven't the discipline* to try them long enough or to study them deeply enough to really find out. It all feels wrong, and I don't want to do it. I live in the boondocks in sweden, and so have very little chance of finding a K-type teacher who could give shaktipat. I have longed for an awakened K since the first time I read about it. Mine may be partially active, but if so, it is miniscule.
Finally, "making it" to me means being permanently and consciously non-stop in contact with creator and oneness. Joy and bliss. All of that good stuff you read about. Yes sure, there will still be problems, but when you have that reservoir to draw on (i can imagine it, even if i've never experienced it) then all problems are solvable, and none of them disturb the contentment with existence.
At times when I am not feeling low, my faith is strong, and I am moderately content. I feel like a large part of our existence is to give the experiences we gather with our minds and senses to creator, so that creator can experience creation, through us. Some of the time, this seems like enough. Other times I feel achingly empty, and angry that there are so many ways to go. . .
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