To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/22 11:45
Subject: [K-list] What sort of Child poll Results
From: Druout
On 2002/05/22 11:45, Druout posted thus to the K-list:
Dear List,
Nineteen people responded to the "What sort of child were you?" poll. It's
interesting that a number of people experienced an "otherness" as young
children. These excerpts I'm putting first, followed by excerpts of a more
general nature.
Introspection and/or imagination figured in most of our childhoods. Most of
us also mentioned being quite shy and introverted. Many felt "different" as
they were growing up, and many also described themselves as loners.
The following is a short list of some traits most frequently mentioned.
9 people said they were shy. 1 alternated shy and sunny. Two specifically
said they were Not shy
9 people described themselves as loners.
7 described themselves as being "different."
6 described themselves as Introspective
6 as imaginative or creative
6 as fearful and/or abused
6 mentioned being spiritual as children
5 as curious
4 as brats and/or rebellious
2 as quiet
The following are portions of the posts that relate specifically with an
awareness of other states of being:
***********
nothing seemed important because I believe(d) everything wasnt real.
Honestly thought I wasnt really there. Thus life was a play, and as far as I
was concerned I was the star actor. :)
***********
I also remember, at three,
sitting in the TV room of our tiny house in a tiny town in Arkansas in
the early 60s, watching the 5:00 news from a nearby small town. And I
remember very clearly, at that tender age, thinking that this was a very
small and provincial place that I lived in. I remember feeling very bored
and dissatisfied with it in some way. This was with no prior experience or
awareness of big cities or wordly excitement. ... I have always wondered
how I could have felt that.
*********
I believe that my early problems relate alot to my past life I have had
several visions of being a hated abused child that was stabbed to death at a
young age( sounds terrible but I have relived it in many nightmares and
visions so had to bring it up) .
********
A terrified and abused one. Who's only escape was through the "other side"
********
I was fascinated by reincarnation by the age of 10 and also read horror
stories like crazy. I knew that spirit mattered, but didn't think church
did.
********
I remember when I was little riding along
in the car staring off at the sky or trees and trying to see every single
leaf at once and then trying to be a part of it's essence.
*********
Also waking up at 3am, opening the window and smelling the early morning air
and feeling immensely happy.
**********
At age two I woke in the middle of the night from a vivid, more real
than life lucid dream of this amazing blissful loving light that said I was
it's child. Waking, I was pulled away, back through a tunnel and it was
immediate and urgent priority to get back there!
*************
I do remember thinking
NO, There is no time! I would tell this to my parents, childishly. They just
dismissed me. I felt like I knew more than them, but I didn't understand it
at the time, I just felt betrayed and alone. I must've been 2. Or something.
Barely could talk. They would talk about time, "this" many more minutes until
whenever happens. That I do remember very vividly, the very moment that I
lost my sense of now is forever and it turned into the 80's and corporate
giants. Don't ask me why. But the energy is the same.
***********
it was during adolescence that I started observing that I really
didn’t want to come to this world of separateness and ended up coming
anyway. I also realized that my reactions to the world were reactions to
not wanting to be here in the relative realm (that’s how I call our
“realityâ€) and its duality. I’ve been always eager to go back home (what
I call the absolute realm).
############
More complete excerpts:
What kind of child ?
ehh... nothing seemed important because I believe(d) everything wasnt real.
Honestly thought I wasnt really there. Thus life was a play, and as far as I
was concerned I was the star actor. :)
Some key words: introspective, clever, mischievous, perma-prozzak, curious,
and whatever the word is contrary to 'shy' (brat?).
**********
I was not quite like the other children around me. Very introspective,
quiet, imaginative. When the other kids were out playing tag and hide and
seek, I was building time machines, faster-than-light spacecraft and watching
the original Star Trek series. By age 10 I was a sci-fi and fantasy addict.
My dad read "The Hobbit" to me when I was 5. I would rather stay home and
read than do almost anything. While the other kids were studying grammer and
geography I was making anti-pollution posters on notebook paper and playing
spaceships with my pencils and pens. It got to the point where most kids
would hardly talk to me....except of course the other imaginative outcasts.
But they all had thier own visions so I was left in blissfull solitude most
of the time....
...
I had one source of spirituality as a kid; my paternal grandmother would
always tell my stories about Jesus and we'd sing some rock-n-roll type hymns
together. She had tried about 20 or 25 different denominations and they all
gave her the boot for being more devoted to God than to the church. So when
K went active as age 21 this was the first thing that cleared: Most of our
family considered my granny to be a bit wacked-out, even my dad. But under
the K influence I realized she was indeed very close to God and should not be
shunned for her "eccentricities"
there you have it: Sci-fi/Fantasy, connection to the Earth, Loner,
Spiritual Seeker.
*********
I was a very shy child, but with the people or relatives who were
closer to me very inquisitive, asking about everything.
Living in my own world and playing alone most of the time.
**********
> What sort of child were you?
>
My mother says I was very shy and very serious when playing with other
children. I remember this shyness being painful and causing me not to
participate often. The shyness has persisted throughout my life, and I can
be a real hermit, but I push it away so I can function in the world.
At home as a child, I did "shows" for my parents. My mom wrote in my baby
book when I was three "has theatrical tendencies." I also remember, at
three, sitting in the TV room of our tiny house in a tiny town in Arkansas in
the early 60s, watching the 5:00 news from a nearby small town. And I
remember very clearly, at that tender age, thinking that this was a very
small and provincial place that I lived in. ...
As an older child (10 or 11), I had obsessions with Joan of Arc and the Salem
Witch Trials and the Burning Times. Did a lot of reading on these subjects.
Also Sybil Leek and other witchy-type people. Later became obsessed with the
subjects of execution, Jack the Ripper, famous horrible murders (Manson,
etc.) and the Holocaust. ...
Some of it feels particularly personal, like maybe I actually
lived something like it or related to it in some way, and some of the
horrible hard-to-look-at stuff, I think, was me trying to jar myself awake.
... I now have this belief that this is what we are
"subconsciously" trying to do culturally with horror movies and terrible news
stories. We are constantly striving to awaken our compassion, which can lead
to deeper awakening. If this makes sense.
... I had a childhood full of familial pain and some
joys. I always had a feeling that I was different and that something "big"
was going to happen to me as an adult. I became a theater major in college
and thought then that the "big" something would be acting fame. Now I think
it was/may be something else.
*********
If you were to ask my parents they would say the most difficult confusing
child in the world. Now from my point of view, I was soooooo overly shy and
insecure from the beginning I was so shy I couldnt even converse or show
affection to my parents they thought there was something wrong with me and
asked me many time why I couldnt be like my brothers and sisters. I know
they loved but they just didnt know how to deal with me I was so different
...I couldnt talk to anyone or ask ?'s without feeling frightened. ... I
hated my childhood when I reached my teenage years all my fears turned to
anger and I (even know I was still incredibly shy) found some older friends
(I could always relate to them better) and really rebelled ... I have always
been somewhat of a loner. ... I am very much a hermit now lol and I am
still very shy but am sooooo much different I am really working on healing
myself most people would never guess about my childhood. I believe that my
early problems relate alot to my past life I have had several visions of
being a hated abused child that was stabbed to death at a young age( sounds
terrible but I have relived it in many nightmares and visions so had to bring
it up) . I feel pretty confident that something past related has caused all
this and now my spirit has had so many traumas that it is ready to cleanse
itself.
**********
So: What sort of child were you?
A terrified and abused one. Who's only escape was through the "other side"
***********
> The difficulties force one to be self directed, and not look for love and
> validation externally.
>
Such few words with so much wisdom within them Mystress. Your words so very
accurately describes what has happened to those of us who were abused
during childhood. We looked inside for answers as for most of us had no
place else to go. You could not just go to anyone about the abuse, as you
had to worry what worse abuse would await you if you did tell anyone. It is
no wonder that those with an abusive past became very spiritual beings. It
was the only way really to survive the abuse. To all of those on this list
that have told their stories of an abusive past, I admire you for your
courage in doing so. I also feel it is big part of the healing to finally
talk about it after so many years of not being able to share it with
\others. Big hugs to all of you that went through this in your childhood!
***********
What sort of child hmmmm?
I was a paradox. sometimes very shy, sometimes very sunny. There is a couple
of things that were always present though.
The first one was that I was very much a loner. I grew up on a farm so there
was lots of space to wander. Wander I did, mostly alone. I didn't like the
games and stuff of the other kids. Seemed like a waste of time to me.
The second thing was I was a researcher. I don't mean I did well in school,
I didn't. School felt more like jail to me than a place of learning. I
didn't fit in. I felt very out of place in school.
...for example, when I was 2, I became fasinated with bugs.
Lasted a couple of years. By the time I was 4, I could tell you anything you
wanted to know about them. Except what they were called.
I could tell you how they moved and how fast, where they could be found.
From there it was rocks. Clouds I think cam next. By the time I was 14 I was
studying religion and the occult. I had a feroious apetite for new things. I
am still like that today.
*********
I'm amazed at how similar we seem. I, too, was a very serious and solitary
child. Quiet, but had a lot going in inside. I was endlessly making up
stories and acting. I did theater in school (and some more recently), and
always thought I was special somehow. I was fascinated by reincarnation by
the age of 10 and also read horror stories like crazy. I knew that spirit
mattered, but didn't think church did. (Still don't, not for me.) My father
was emotionally/verbally abusive, extremely volatile and out of control with
his anger. It led me to internalize a lot of crap that I eventually got out
through spiritual/psychological growth practices. I grew up in a rural town,
practically lived in the woods during my adolescence, but am not really a
nature girl. I always had this endless capacity for make-believe (usually
dramatic grown-up stuff, even at age 5, my parents would have been shocked).
I was also very ready to placate everyone. I'd do things to be my sister's
sweetie-pie without a second thought.
************
My Father is an alcoholic, but thank god he was able to control his
problem about 8 years ago.
I too feel the same, spirit matters, but church is not so important.
What's in you does, not where you go. But I do love the atmosphere of
church now...
I am very shy in large groups of people, even if there are a few that
I'm comfortable with around. I get to know people well in small groups,
and feel much better in that type of situation. I've always loved magical
fantasy type books and movies. I remember when I was little riding along
in the car staring off at the sky or trees and trying to see every single
leaf at once and then trying to be a part of it's essence... I remember
thinking what a waste of time... ahh, don't you wish you could go back and
relive life with the knowledge that you have now?
*****************
I can't remember much at all about my childhood. Apparently I was a very
stroppy baby - yelled a lot and chucked food around etc, but also showed
great interest in the world around me. I can remember being a bit of a black
sheep at primary school - never really had a best friend and got into a few
fights... i can't remember being strongly happy or unhappy - just neutral
really. I can remember though getting lost in my own fantasy worlds - making
maps of the garden, having my own secret codes and language etc, loving
fantasy fiction - CS Lewis etc. Also waking up at 3am, opening the window
and smelling the early morning air and feeling immensely happy. I was very
imaginative and fully indulged this in drawing, music, acting etc...
I was very sensitive and scared too. It didn't take much to make me cry. I
was highly anxious and worried about everything. A key event was getting a
kids encyclopedia and turning to a page with a picture of the William Blake
painting of the Entrance to Hell, which absolutely terrified me and I never
looked at that book again. Interesting since the hell of 'mental illness'
has been a big theme of my life.
...got chucked out of pottery club at 11 for being disruptive. I liked to
rock boats and shock, more so when getting into teenage years. Two years
before K kicked in at 16 I remember getting moody, depressed, searching...
everything seemed grey and boring - there must be more to life than this type
thing. Then K started and it's been one long firework display ever since.
***********
Funny how alike we are... or perhaps only the wounded ones are posting?
Snapshot autobiography. Personal Mythology..
Born a week late and backwards. When K. caused me to relive my own
birth, I found out why. I did not want to come out... an argument with
duality, realizing at last minute that it was scary out there...
During the ego death that immediately followed reliving my own birth, I
found myself facing off with hundreds of ancestors... for daring to be
different.
...
At age two I woke in the middle of the night from a vivid, more real
than life lucid dream of this amazing blissful loving light that said I was
it's child. Waking, I was pulled away, back through a tunnel and it was
immediate and urgent priority to get back there!
...
In grade two ADD daydreamer grrl discovered reading was a
teacher-approved substitute for daydreaming and fell into books and did not
come out. I tended to be an uncoordinated misfit of the type other kids
like to pick on, so I tried to hide in pages and be invisible. Especially
for dodge ball but also with my parents and three older siblings.
I remembered myself as a quiet child till I mentioned that to my older
sister and she laughed in my face and said I had been loud, prone to
screaming temper tantrums. This puzzled me. I dug up the memories and
discovered they had no soundtrack. I did some research on memories that
have no soundtrack and discovered it is a symptom of clinical detachment...
like how some people describe a car accident as being in slow motion and
quiet... they cannot hear themselves screaming.
...
I was also having wicked Night terrors of this great black shadow
monster who killed me over and over, and I would wake to see monsters in
every shadow. Even if I looked at a blank wall, the microdots would shape
themselves into skulls and monsters. Finally I learned to approach her
without fear, and avoid being destroyed... but then the dreams got worse, I
became her, and had no voice to warn those who feared, not to so they would
not get their heads ripped off by me. Awful. By them I had learned to say
prayers at night and prayed for "no bad dreams". It worked, so I kept doing
it till the dreams stopped... or at least, went unconscious... perhaps it
was because I was focusing on praying instead of watching the fireworks.
About 5 years ago, reading books on Shamanism I recognised the players
in this drama. Falling asleep, meditating on my 3rd eye had lead to seeing
the kaliedescope patterns of the portal to the Dreamtime.. and meeting the
Portal Guardian, the reflection of fear... Death. A Preschool child on the
path of the Shaman.. sometimes I wonder how I survived.
I spent a lot of time wandering alone in the woods on my Grandmother's
farm. Thinking of faeries and imagining I could feel them, ... experiences
I kept to myself. In grade 6 (age 12-13?) I borrowed "Jonathan Livingston
Seagull" off my hippie teacher's desk. I resonated with the misfit bird and
his secret "specialness", and the insight that there could be spirituality
without sin or Jesus. It was a tremendous validation and I had a
K-experience while reading it, and after... I do not remember it well, only
that there was a Divine confirmation, some lost time and afterwards I was
in an altered state similar to the Witness... very detached. Birth of
Messianic tendencies, LOL.
************
Growing up I had a loving family and a ton of freedom. At age 5 I was
allowed to be as far as my cousins house almost two blocks away
and had to be inside when the streetlights came on.
I consider myself to have a normal childhood.. always running and playing.
I was always somewhat overweight and as a result
I was self conscious around the chicks when I got older. I finally got a
steady girlfriend at age 15 and always had one since.
I missed out on the groovy 60's and I soooo wanted to be a hippie.. but I
was to late being born in 1964. By the time I was 12 I was drinking
and smoking pot and on hard drugs at age 13. I continued on the drugs
and booze until I was in my 20's and my wife ( girlfriend at the time )
had a baby so I had to change my lifestyle to accommodate the baby.
By the time I was about 30 my wife and I was "shopping around" for religion
and she got into paganism and I just meditated a lot.
She ended up having a strong natural ability and was way beyond me.
I am pretty sure that I am not actually a "K Baby". I think that any energy
I was gifted with came from her. That is why I told my story into
adulthood.. so that I could explain that fact.
Perhaps it was Gods fate that brought us together so that I may learn from
her, but whatever it was I am grateful.
**********
I am another one of the many on the list. I was a shy, introverted, fearful
child, and am still to this day. My major feeling is that I have nothng of
quality to offer humanity and therefore remain a hermit. I desire to
accomplish something meaninful, but cannot get past the child hood fears, and
add to that tamy current anger, depression, fear x Z 'cubed'. and here I am,
nothing. Cant quite get past that one. I am alive however, for what
purpose, I have no clue. Thanks for listening.
*********
I do remember thinking
NO, There is no time! I would tell this to my parents, childishly. They just
dismissed me. I felt like I knew more than them, but I didn't understand it
at the time, I just felt betrayed and alone. I must've been 2. Or something.
Barely could talk. They would talk about time, "this" many more minutes until
whenever happens.... That same energy I felt
when I lost my sense of forever has stuck with me and it feels like the
world. . ...What
I called 'life' was synonymous with what alot of people call 'truth'.
Although I realize everyone feels energy, I still feel estranged... there is
no
way of explaining what I feel, it's far too abstract.. and powerful, there is
no way of sharing it other than music.. I always felt the world. And I didn't
understand why other people didn't feel like me. It made me feel like I
couldn't trust my heart anymore, either that or I was "different".. either
way I was different. I was different.. at least in my own eyes.
... I was a loner.
... I did spend many hours and hours humming and chattering
my teeth together as drums. My high spirits never gave my parents a moment of
peace, I was always humming... always a song in my head, always.
...until it April 2000. Time for me to suddenly
magically awake to the world of mysticism.
... I'm still learning
because I am not happy, I'm not secure with who I am, and I'm not living my
truth in even the least of how I know it could be. How I feel it, when the
light peeks through the canopy of my darkness. It ALWAYS feels like too much.
Too much light, too much love, not the fluffy kind, wild, incredible,
indearing, mysterious, so incredible. I always see it like a hurricane or
some kind of storm, raging in the distance, on the horizon.
*********
I am very new to meditation and kundalini but find it very fascinating. I
love the feeling I get when meditating, like getting in touch with my inner
self. I can remember feeling this way at certain times when I was younger a
nd it is nice to feel this way again.
I spent much of my childhood outside, either playing with the kids in my
neighborhood or time spent alone. I have always loved spending time by
myself to think and visit the world I've created in my head. .... I have
always been curious about the world and everything in it. I used to, and
still do, imagine flying. I am normally not to shy, only around those I am
uncomfortable with. I love spending time with people, ... Running used to be
a very important part of my life,... I have also been greatly influenced by
a person that I have now lost contact with that was on my team. Though we no
longer talk I can sometimes hear his and other peoples voices talking to me.
I have had tough times over the years but believe that I have all-in-all had
a wonderful childhood.
*********
When I was a kid I remember and my mother told me that I was different
in a way that I played different than other kids, I was somewhat of a
loner, outcast, shy, etc. ... In school,
teachers did not like me, by the 3rd grade I was a little brat. I went
to church with my family and I even became the priest helper during the
church. I did this for a while too but then I decided to stop. I liked
being outdoors, at the family gatherings I would go on little
adventures with my cousin on the farm land. I tried lots of different
sports, but I was only good at swimming and sailing. I was never too
good at school because I always ended up talking to the guy sitting
next to me, or throwing things. To me school was very boring. Well that
was me when I was a kid...
*********
My mother told me that she had to stop with birthday parties when I was
three years old because I seemed to hate children. She said I was very
angry with the sight of other kids in my house. Needless to say, school
was agonizing and traumatizing. I was this very shy and fearful girl who
was picked on most of the time. That caused me to want to be invisible.
I lived in fear and knew nothing beyond that. And my mother was right,
with few exceptions, I did hate other kids. I tried my best to be around
adults because that was the only way I felt at ease. This all happened
in Catholic school (from 4 years old to about 8 years old)....I
must have learned about the devil in those years as well. But to me the
devil were the kids in school. LOL!!
At age 6, my paternal grandmother passed away and I found myself talking
to God. I asked: If Jesus resuscitated why can’t my granny do the same?
That was probably the birth of my hate toward Catholicism and its
hypocrisy ...
When I was 8 years old we moved to another area of the city .... During this
time I started having trouble with math and with the astral world. I
also developed interest in biology and books. I’d spend my afternoons
climbing trees, analyzing the lives of the chicken and the rooster in
the henhouse my mother had in the back yard and the tons of ants that
lived in my mother’s food garden. ... Then, objects of mine
started to disappear for a while to reappear later at the same spot they
belonged and that I had looked for several times. That just increased my
anger. My grandmother was into spirituality (her religion is called
“espiritismoâ€) and she told my mother that spirits were playing games
with me. She then took me to this man who made everything go away. From
that point on, I seemed to have become invisible. I had this tremendous
feeling of not fitting in. But my parents don’t fit in either so I was
comfortable at home. I lived in a dream world. I’d day dream all day, at
home, in school, while walking in the street even while talking to
somebody. Everything in this dream world was different than my reality
and I’d write it all down instead of doing home work. ...
During adolescence, I’d spend my afternoons writing about my day dreams
and reading books on philosophy, psychology, spirituality and ancient
world. I was obsessed with finding the absolute truth. All I found was
personal truth. I wanted nothing to do with personal truth. I wanted to
know God’s thoughts as that was the only thing that mattered to me. I
haven’t changed at all about this. God’s thought to me is all that
matters and everything else is just a detail. I think Einstein said
something like this. Thinking like this made any religion or cult
impossible for me to embrace as I saw them all as personal truths
applicable only to the duality world we live in. The thirst of knowing
what the absolute truth was haunted me throughout my entire adolescence.
I couldn’t embrace a white bearded sitting in a throne God or a God that
rewards and punishes. Yet, I was not ready to take responsibility for
all my actions. No wonder why I was so confused. I couldn’t yet grasp
the idea that I could be God. That came in adulthood (I’ll save it for
another poll).
The first time I heard of Kundalini was through my parents’ conversation
about the topic. I was younger than 15 although already in adolescence.
My antennas went up immediately as the conversation stroke my mind and I
was drawn to it like a magnet is drawn to metal. I never forgot about it
and last year I found myself incredibly drawn to it again and that’s how
I found this list.
Anyway, it was during adolescence that I started observing that I really
didn’t want to come to this world of separateness and ended up coming
anyway. I also realized that my reactions to the world were reactions to
not wanting to be here in the relative realm (that’s how I call our
“realityâ€) and its duality. I’ve been always eager to go back home (what
I call the absolute realm). I found everything so boring. ...
END
Thanks to all of you who took part!
Love, Hillary
************
In a message dated 5/3/2002 8:33:56 PM a member writes:
> it has been perfectly clear from a very young age that I was
> not quite the same as everyone else.
Dear List,
Sorry for back to back polls, but since we seem to be dealing with our early
years, I thought I'd do a poll which I have wanted to do for ages, on what we
were like as children. A friend recently wrote:
"Try [a poll] one day with regard to what people who become mystics were like
as a
child. That one interest me very much, for as you know, I insist that
mystics are born not made during this lifetime. And absolutely nothing to
do with choice."
I'll leave the question rather open ended. :))
So: What sort of child were you?
My own quick response is: extremely shy and introspective.
Thanks everyone!
Love, Hillary
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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