To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/17 17:46
Subject: [K-list] Re: note to Hillary
From: Cleocatras

Dear Hillary,

Thank you for sticking with me... its not a pleasant thing to do. When
Angelique first heard of this ordeal of mine, she wrote me to tell me she
assumed it was the end of one life and the beginning of another as a
priestess. It seemed very obvious to her that it was time for me to walk
away. I dont disagree.

Meanwhile, it is the consensus that what is wrong with me is that I care too
much and wont give up and have become a nusuiance.

But Goddess teaches in irony and my little voice in my head said to continue
being a pain in the ass until everyone says it out loud: that my problem is
that I love my child.
I believe that day is coming soon, where all the idiots individually think of
this to themselves, and suddenly it will dawn on them what I am all about. So
contrary to abuse it is discomforting to watch me, as they couldnt quite put
their finger on it since they dont "think" much. But another day soon, it
will hit them square in the cranium.

And so, I have to keep on. It is my son's bright future in my realm and in
Gods hands. Mothers have this divine priviledge of building part of a child's
life path. So much of it is an oath from the deepest part of mother to God
that you will do what is right to lead the way, as close to impeccable as you
can manage it... the primal oath of motherhood, I guess.

The excruciating pain is the brute force to make me fit in, to conform, while
my son suffers in ways they do not understand. I will never have plans to
conform against my own values, unless it is absolutely necessary. And what
will make it absolutely necessary, do you suppose?

As my adopted mother Helen, put it... they say you are dilusional... well you
are. To think you can beat the big government machine is totally dilusional.

Im not standing up to it to win, I said, or to beat it. I am standing up to
it because it needs to be done, and the outcome is not the point.

And there is no hero in this at all... I am the foolish dilusional mother, an
easy mark for being ignored and criticized.

Cat

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