To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/17 01:53
Subject: [K-list] Getting this out..
From: A.S.A.
On 2002/05/17 01:53, A.S.A.posted thus to the K-list:
Maybe somewhere in my subconsious I feel like a victim? Maybe that is why I still take on peoples projections on me? Thinking about the power chakra and the games that happen in that universe..
I think the suggestion I got from Jason of leaving home for a while sounds really attractive. Since I currently live with my parents.
About a year ago I was back in the spinning wheel of drug abuse.. I was high on amphetamine and was at a friends house, he is male, about 40 years old or so. He looks very young and is a "Karatemaster" here in Sweden, he is born in Libanon and have been out to wars and so on. Really aggressive at sometimes, and so tender and loving too. He has been on amphetamines for about 7 years, he claims his brain does'nt remember how to make its own dopamine anymore, so he cannot drop the amphetamine. And then he blaims me and a good friend of mine for his abuse. Quite funny now to look back at the games I attracted.
Well, anyways.. I was at his place, we were sniffin' dope and talking and drumming and listening to great music. He always expected me to have sex with him, so he started to put his hands on me. Since about junior high I have had a really hard time saing no to people, cause I was afraid I would hurt their feelings. And of course I got my thoughts validated.
He kinda forced me to have sex with him and I didn't make any resistance, cause when this had happened before, (and he did the same thing with my friend Jessica too). He always reacted with anger and bombed us with his own guilt if we didn't agree with him. And he continued pushing us until we didn't have any strenght left over to say no. He said he was worthy to have young beautiful girls, that god was on his side and that he had told him it was his right to do so. He literally sucked out all of our energy.(He is in to Islam, so I guess he translated everything to fit his ego or something)
I now know it was me attracting all of this.. Just feel good to write and get rid of this stuff. Writing really helps I have discovered. Earlier in my life I really thought it was difficult to write or talk about things that feel heavy. Now it's really pushing, it wants to get out.
Thank you,
A.S.A.
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