To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/16 23:35
Subject: Re: [K-list] boundaries
From: Charles Portugal
On 2002/05/16 23:35, Charles Portugal posted thus to the K-list:
.... I woke up at 5:30 this morning. Ping! Wide awake for no obvious reason. I grabbed my pad and wrote my dream down as it was one of the rare occassions I was still connected to the energy of the dream whilst conscious. Then I tried to go back to sleep but I felt something niggling me. The cogs of my mind started to move and that was it.... no more sleep.
Its not unusual that I should wake up analysing who I am and trying to have an honest chat with myself so that I might get clear and grow.
A few things started to come up for me and I wrote a paragraph of notes in my personal notebook:
"I'm not sure but I think I might have felt rejected as a child, always a bit lonely and separate... a thinker. I did feel wise. But somehow now I feel a real resistance to anyone wanting me. Its perhaps not the wanting me but the 'getting' me that I resist and I guess thats because I dont want to be rejected again.... safer to be lonely by choice than rejected once comfortable. Its not just romantic relationships where this shows up although this is where it is most obvious because since relationship I had between the ages of 17 and 22 I havee struggled to maintain a noteworthy relationship. In fact I've pulled away from any woman who has wanted me and only remained attracted to those that remained a challenge. If I stay around relationships where I feel that the other person is needy of me I feel suffocated and restricted and I pull the plug instantly. I just cant take it, I need the freedom. FREEDOM feels like a key word for me."
Then I felt pulled to check my emails, so at 6am I found your long and thought/karma provoking email in my inbox. I can relate to much of what you have written and somehow when I read it those same feelings that I woke up with became stronger and really came to the surface.
I'm really not sure how well I identify with myself. The people in my life experiece me as very calm, sometimes aloof, sometimes distant. A lot of people I meet seem to be very drawn to me immediately and I'm concerned that those people that are drawn to me are the people that play out the other half of the control drama so that we may exchange energy on a mutual basis.
If I'm honest with myself I believe that I have issues around my Solar Plexus Chakra (I believe this is the same as the power chakra?). It may be that for years I had a low self esteem or a feeling of powerlesness and now my ego has found a way of maintaining a sense of importance or power by offering words of wisdom; healing through my Thai Massage; aloofness to create or generate an interest or a mystique?!?!
I'm not sure whether this is the truth about me or the power of suggestion I take from your words as I have always related to both sides of many many stories through out my life. I can throw myself into any situation I hear and can easily see myself there. I dont feel I really have a form. Ive always found it very difficult to define myself. I'm 29 and since University I've worked as a stockbroker, rock band manager, IT recruitment consultant, sales man, company owner (Promo merchandise) and now Thai Masseur. The Thai Massage is the only job Ive had that has satisfied me on any level. I made a fortune one year in one of my jobs but it felt like nothing. It went through my fingers like butter and felt substanceless.
Ive had a lot of very powerful healing over the last year and shifted a lot of blockages. My lower back pain which I've suffered with badly for years has almost completely gone and my level of empathy and love for all has grown enormously. I see beauty everywhere. I cry openly when I see acts of love and listen to beautiful music and I feel joy from the depth of my being when I see people moving toward the light. In fact I always have been this way... deep down I am very caring, although people say that I dont always show it but I think thats because I dont play to their dramas anymore. My bull shit detector is becoming highly sensitive.... but I dont want to delude myself.
I want to be genuinely clear. It would be easy for me to just totally accept all of the things my healer says about me and my abilities. But I dont want that acceptance to come from ego. I want to be humble, clear, peaceful and joyful. I want to be spiritual as well as physical. I understand and relate to everything you say but somehow feel that I have alot more to shift.
I dont want to feel that I'm always pulling away from people who attach themselves to me, but the truth is that it is a recurring pattern and I dont understand why its happening. Ive done a lot of work on myself over the last few years and I have a sincere desire to be the best I can be and maybe I am and I shouldnt be giving myself a hard time but I dont want my ego to fool me into thinking I am at the expense of my genuine and true self.
One last thing I want to add is that I nearly always seem to play out the role that other people project onto me. Unless I remain very conscious and protect myself then I avoid it. I think it might come from not having a clear grasp of my identity (which incidentally I also believe to have been the route cause of my back pain). For example, my parents got divorced when I was 10 and my Dad moved to a different part of the country and I hardly saw him for years until recently. He carries a huge amount of baggage around with him that hes not interested in even taking a look at. Its buried and thats where its gonna stay as far as he is concerned and thats fine with me. But he projects his view of me as an irresponsible little boy that he saw me as as a 10 year old onto me now. He talks to me as if I were still that child andcant let go of it. But on the rare occassions that I'm with him, Iseem to fulfill that role for him!!! But this is the same with everyone I know. I know that I can feel very straongly the light that they hold me in..... there projections are tangible. The good news is that recently I have become more aware of my projections of other people and I'm working to eradicate them as much as possible.
I'm not sure if this makes any sense at all..... now ive written it it feels like Ive been waffling. But so many times Ive written something like this and hit delete because I didnt see the point in sending it and have felt paranoid about being a taker by writing about myself but this time its caution to the wind... so thanks for listening.
Charles
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