To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/09 11:10
Subject: [K-list] RE: What sort of child Poll
From: Giovanna Guimaraes
On 2002/05/09 11:10, Giovanna Guimaraes posted thus to the K-list:
Hi Everyone,
I was a very different child. Let me start with my birth. I had to be
born through caesarian section because I was backwards. I was a very
quiet baby that got sick twice only and that had bowl movement trouble.
My mother told me that she had to stop with birthday parties when I was
three years old because I seemed to hate children. She said I was very
angry with the sight of other kids in my house. Needless to say, school
was agonizing and traumatizing. I was this very shy and fearful girl who
was picked on most of the time. That caused me to want to be invisible.
I lived in fear and knew nothing beyond that. And my mother was right,
with few exceptions, I did hate other kids. I tried my best to be around
adults because that was the only way I felt at ease. This all happened
in Catholic school (from 4 years old to about 8 years old). Even though
I was not baptized and did no communion, my parents managed to put and
keep me in Catholic school. I leaned how to pray during those years. I
must have learned about the devil in those years as well. But to me the
devil were the kids in school. LOL!!
At age 6, my paternal grandmother passed away and I found myself talking
to God. I asked: If Jesus resuscitated why can´t my granny do the same?
That was probably the birth of my hate toward Catholicism and its
hypocrisy (don´t mean any offense to Catholics on this list as this is
my experience and everybody´s experiences and opinions are valid and
acceptable to me).
When I was 8 years old we moved to another area of the city and I had to
change schools. This time I went to a Montessorian school. I was still
picked on but it was not was bad as the Catholic school. During this
time I started having trouble with math and with the astral world. I
also developed interest in biology and books. I´d spend my afternoons
climbing trees, analyzing the lives of the chicken and the rooster in
the henhouse my mother had in the back yard and the tons of ants that
lived in my mother´s food garden. Then, at night, I´d hear my marbles (I
was very jealous of those marbles) as if somebody was playing with them.
I´d get up and turn the light on just to find my marbles exactly the way
I had left them. This would happen every night. I developed so much
anger toward whatever played with those marbles. Then, objects of mine
started to disappear for a while to reappear later at the same spot they
belonged and that I had looked for several times. That just increased my
anger. My grandmother was into spirituality (her religion is called
“espiritismo”) and she told my mother that spirits were playing games
with me. She then took me to this man who made everything go away. From
that point on, I seemed to have become invisible. I had this tremendous
feeling of not fitting in. But my parents don´t fit in either so I was
comfortable at home. I lived in a dream world. I´d day dream all day, at
home, in school, while walking in the street even while talking to
somebody. Everything in this dream world was different than my reality
and I´d write it all down instead of doing home work. Needless to say,
my grades dropped. Daydreaming lasted until I moved to the US at age 20.
It hasn´t completely gone away but it has diminished by 80%.
During adolescence, I´d spend my afternoons writing about my day dreams
and reading books on philosophy, psychology, spirituality and ancient
world. I was obsessed with finding the absolute truth. All I found was
personal truth. I wanted nothing to do with personal truth. I wanted to
know God´s thoughts as that was the only thing that mattered to me. I
haven´t changed at all about this. God´s thought to me is all that
matters and everything else is just a detail. I think Einstein said
something like this. Thinking like this made any religion or cult
impossible for me to embrace as I saw them all as personal truths
applicable only to the duality world we live in. The thirst of knowing
what the absolute truth was haunted me throughout my entire adolescence.
I couldn´t embrace a white bearded sitting in a throne God or a God that
rewards and punishes. Yet, I was not ready to take responsibility for
all my actions. No wonder why I was so confused. I couldn´t yet grasp
the idea that I could be God. That came in adulthood (I´ll save it for
another poll).
The first time I heard of Kundalini was through my parents´ conversation
about the topic. I was younger than 15 although already in adolescence.
My antennas went up immediately as the conversation stroke my mind and I
was drawn to it like a magnet is drawn to metal. I never forgot about it
and last year I found myself incredibly drawn to it again and that´s how
I found this list.
Anyway, it was during adolescence that I started observing that I really
didn´t want to come to this world of separateness and ended up coming
anyway. I also realized that my reactions to the world were reactions to
not wanting to be here in the relative realm (that´s how I call our
“reality”) and its duality. I´ve been always eager to go back home (what
I call the absolute realm). I found everything so boring. No wonder why
I could easily sleep for 15 hours straight! Teenage girls in my class
wanted to go out dancing and to date boys. I wanted to go home and day
dream. LOL!!! And when I did go out with them, I was bored to hell, I
felt so lonely and my desire to go back home increased. They all
reminded of that Who I Was Not yet I didn´t know Who I Was. It was all
painfully confusing. I´ll stop now as I can write about childhood and
adolescence for hours and hours and hours…. I hope I didn´t get off on a
tangent as I tend to do that when talking about my early years. As I
solve the puzzle of my existence, I find it harder and harder to talk
about a part of the puzzle without mentioning the whole puzzle.
Namaste,
Giovanna
--- In Kundalini-GatewayATnospamy..., druoutATnospama... wrote:
In a message dated 5/3/2002 8:33:56 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
LBra782595ATnospama... writes:
> it has been perfectly clear from a very young age that I was not quite
the same as everyone else.
Dear List,
Sorry for back to back polls, but since we seem to be dealing with our
early years, I thought I'd do a poll which I have wanted to do for ages,
on what we
were like as children. A friend recently wrote:
"Try [a poll] one day with regard to what people who become mystics were
like as a child. That one interest me very much, for as you know, I
insist that
mystics are born not made during this lifetime. And absolutely nothing
to do with choice."
I'll leave the question rather open ended. :))
So: What sort of child were you?
My own quick response is: extremely shy and introspective.
Thanks everyone!
Love, Hillary
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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