To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/09 06:27
Subject: Re: [K-list] K-list childhood
From: Soitpp
On 2002/05/09 06:27, Soitpp posted thus to the K-list:
In a message dated 5/8/02 5:04:38 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
K-list writes:
> Poll question: What sort of child were you?
>
Sometimes I like to guess what my life is like compared to other
peoples. but I really can't fathom that can I. I can't understand what
trusting your parents is like. I don't think I was as disallusioned as
mystress was, because I never had any visual things happening when I was
young. I think if I had more visual things going on perhaps that would have
had a greater affect on me. Then again, there is no telling how one mind
compares to another. Nothing I can remember at least. I do remember thinking
NO, There is no time! I would tell this to my parents, childishly. They just
dismissed me. I felt like I knew more than them, but I didn't understand it
at the time, I just felt betrayed and alone. I must've been 2. Or something.
Barely could talk. They would talk about time, "this" many more minutes until
whenever happens. That I do remember very vividly, the very moment that I
lost my sense of now is forever and it turned into the 80's and corporate
giants. Don't ask me why. But the energy is the same. That same energy I felt
when I lost my sense of forever has stuck with me and it feels like the
world. I felt that same energy in the grocery stores, in the television, in
the air, in California, it ruled the world, it was everything to everybody, I
loved it, I hated it, it was sickening, it was enstranging and beautiful
somehow. I still feel the same way. But I love the natural life too. I
seperated what I felt was the 'natural life' from the 'corporate life'. What
I called 'life' was synonymous with what alot of people call 'truth'.
Although I realize everyone feels energy, I still feel estranged... because
even tho we can feel something so exactly the same, and understand it the
same, somehow it means something different. So I feel estranged, there is no
way of explaining what I feel, it's far too abstract.. and powerful, there is
no way of sharing it other than music.. I always felt the world. And I didn't
understand why other people didn't feel like me. It made me feel like I
couldn't trust my heart anymore, either that or I was "different".. either
way I was different. I was different.. at least in my own eyes. And not
competitive. I didn't want to BEAT the other kids like they wanted to beat me
and eachother. I wanted to win, but not very much. I'm talking about games..
any kind of games, mostly physical. It mattered to me alot and it hurt to be
such a wimp. Guess that's the story of any wimpy guy eh. I wasn't gay either,
(maybe I'm bi, who knows) but I didn't feel any "closer" to the strange kid
who hung out with the girls than I did with the bullies or anyone else for
that matter. I was a loner. Even when kids tried to make friends with me I
was reluctant to begin what I knew would end with me alone and feeling
rejected. Guess I managed somehow.
My thing was girls. That's what kept me alive in my childhood years. Even as
a preschooler I had a hard crush on someone. Going through school, years
pre-school through 2nd grade, I decided for myself it'd be a good idea to
choose the girl I'd have a crush on all year. And that way, be a little less
parched for the feeling of love in my life. I also loved techno music. But
truly didn't begin to explore that taste until I was 17. I've GOT to mention
that because as a child techno music ruled my world whenever it came on. It
was like the most incredible sound I'd could possibly hear,.. thud tsssk thud
tsssk thud tssk, to me, just that alone, was enough, I used to think, who
needs anything more? I did spend many hours and hours humming and chattering
my teeth together as drums. My high spirits never gave my parents a moment of
peace, I was always humming... always a song in my head, always.
Bla bla bla, etc. etc. etc., until it April 2000. Time for me to suddenly
magically awake to the world of mysticism. Which immediately became, dubbed
by me, my own world of mysticism. I decided almost immediately my "path" is
going to necessarily be different than most anyone's and there really is no
one on earth who can help give me some pointers, because no one's done before
what I'm going to do. The damn thought of it became it's own entity which now
has to be removed. .. and the way that MY life would run. I was supposed to
become some kind of techno shaman. That much has become very clear. Well,
being a tough guy isn't my forte. It took me a while to get my bearings on
exactly what "tough" means/meant... and am still learning. I'm still learning
because I am not happy, I'm not secure with who I am, and I'm not living my
truth in even the least of how I know it could be. How I feel it, when the
light peeks through the canopy of my darkness. It ALWAYS feels like too much.
Too much light, too much love, not the fluffy kind, wild, incredible,
indearing, mysterious, so incredible. I always see it like a hurricane or
some kind of storm, raging in the distance, on the horizon. I feel it, but
it's always a game of, let's see how many minutes before Aaron's ego kills
the fun. 2 minutes of ecstacy? Not even. It only takes a minute to blow it
all. I gets these high's when I play my techno. It's so fucking good. But
then, heh, there it goes again. Sorry, I complain. I get so impatient, I know
what it takes to live on the edge. But what it takes for ME to live on the
edge, (or for anyone) is a different story. I've considered submitting myself
to BDSM, seeing how it's worked wonders for some others who've walked a
somewhat elvish/faery path... but still, no serious road signs really
pointing in that direction, and alot of shame leads me away.. The Ah! My
Goddess archtypes point to BDSM as a phase some of us go through on the way
to healing? I believe it's true, I can see the healing value, and I can see
how it could be healing to me, I'm afraid of what will happen when I stick my
stupid neck out there, when I really do, I'm very much afraid, I have no idea
what will happen, I'm so scared
I get angry submitting to people, who although are wiser and stronger than I
am, cannot relate to my unique path, and do not understand my trials, that
pisses me off, and causes me to usually lash at them immaturely,
for example Mystress, she's gone through so much, things I cannot imagine
really, on the same note, as great as she is in her field, as a Kundalini
Mystress of great import, she doesn't really know what a person like me is
all about, other than the catch-all big laws, like cause and effect and
surrenduring to Goddess, she can't relate. she's of an older generation, as
are many on list, sometimes I wonder if many of you would understand why
Autechre's latest or Aphex Twin's latest album is so beautiful. It's no use
trying to relate. Not even Aphex Twin relates completely. Of course, she
understands I'm immature, that much is obvious, but doesn't have much of a
clue about me beyond that,.. so although she can help guide me with her whip,
she can't really wink at me. And so far.. nobody can, not even the kids in my
generation fully understand me, I meet many enlightened souls online, souls
that in many ways, are far more advanced than me, I still hold something over
them, like a little piece of missletoe that says, Kiss me
Think of it like a nerd who's waited his whole life to become a rock star and
is doing everything he can to keep a view and just live his life, but his
path is supposed to take him into the limelight, which is OK, he's cool, he
understands how it works, you just stay cool. Well that's OK. I understand
now. I understand that many successful and famous people were "nerds" when
they were younger. in fact, alot of my most cherished and loved artists were
"nerds". Understanding gives me at least some comfort. I'm so twisted and
disallusioned at this point in my life.. damn.. All I really gotta do is show
people a little love.. a little of MY love. I know it's not about
"relating".. I know it's about Loving. It's just so hard. I feel as if I have
to be everything to everybody.. or I'm nothing at all. Or just be myself. If
I can't connect with a person on an ecstatic level I feel I have failed. I
cannot exist without feeling I am in harmony with everyone. Because if I'm
not in harmony, they're gunna wanna put my lights out, period, that's just
how it is, either you hate my guts or you think I'm terrific. Unfortunately
I'm not making it very easy for you to love me. That's why it's such a hard
path. I know I'm making it closer.. "closer"... Trent Reznor wrote a little
something about that didn't he... Bit by bit.
12 years old. Yes, that is the official childhood as designated by human
design.
signing off,
Aaron,
who is a bigger nerd than most rock stars who used to be a nerd and became a
rock star, I know this guy who's a bigger nerd than me, there's only 1 of
him, and he'll never be a rock star, go figger
p.s. it's ok to hate a person like me, I deserve it, and you deserve to feel
the way you do, but if you can, try to see the good me, even if I hide him
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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