To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/05/07 23:48
Subject: Re: [K-list] K-List Childhood
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2002/05/07 23:48, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
Funny how alike we are... or perhaps only the wounded ones are posting?
Snapshot autobiography. Personal Mythology..
Born a week late and backwards. When K. caused me to relive my own
birth, I found out why. I did not want to come out... an argument with
duality, realizing at last minute that it was scary out there...
During the ego death that immediately followed reliving my own birth, I
found myself facing off with hundreds of ancestors... for daring to be
different.
As a funny sidenote... I have been getting some work done by a healer
who does "one brain" stuff, and pretty much everything she has found so
far, was stuff I took on at conception. Family patterns.
At age two I woke in the middle of the night from a vivid, more real
than life lucid dream of this amazing blissful loving light that said I was
it's child. Waking, I was pulled away, back through a tunnel and it was
immediate and urgent priority to get back there!
It seemed to be under the ground, so I climbed out of my crib for the
first time and tried to go outside to dig it up. Could not get outside,
decided to see if I could find it in a plantpot. Mom woke up, laughed at me
with no comprehension when I communicated what I was looking for, and took
my picture... She sent it to me recently.
I asked for it... wanted to look in that little girl's eyes, filling
with tears as her whole world fell apart. It was my first conscious act of
disobedience, I did not smile for the camera. Birth of the ego. Separation.
If Mom did not know about the Light, then I could not trust her to know
anything. A two year old who realizes they are wiser than their parents is
utterly alone in the world. Especially if the parents religion says the bad
place is below.
That pic was taken when I decided the light under the ground was my
real Mother... but that I was little and helpless and would have to pretend
I belonged. I did not mention the light to anyone again until my late
20's... but I looked for the light, in every hole and construction pit I
passed, till in Grade 3 we learned about the crust and magma... and my
heart broke again realizing the light was not to be found by digging.
Yet... the teacher said nobody knew what was at the center of the Earth...
I knew.
Around that time, perhaps that night I had one of many lucid dreams
where I was transported through time to be a passenger in my adult self.
This dream was different, my adult self knew and spoke to the child, gave
her a tour and tried to explain that she/I had *become* the light... but I
could not understand that till more than 20 years later. My adult self
being a Dom in corset and thigh high stillettos, with a silent mind and
bowing devotees, made my child self think I'd become a psycho when I grew up.
In grade two ADD daydreamer grrl discovered reading was a
teacher-approved substitute for daydreaming and fell into books and did not
come out. I tended to be an uncoordinated misfit of the type other kids
like to pick on, so I tried to hide in pages and be invisible. Especially
for dodge ball but also with my parents and three older siblings.
I remembered myself as a quiet child till I mentioned that to my older
sister and she laughed in my face and said I had been loud, prone to
screaming temper tantrums. This puzzled me. I dug up the memories and
discovered they had no soundtrack. I did some research on memories that
have no soundtrack and discovered it is a symptom of clinical detachment...
like how some people describe a car accident as being in slow motion and
quiet... they cannot hear themselves screaming.
I vividly remember the day someone posted to K-list that their third
eye had opened and the light in their head was keeping them awake... I used
to watch the golden glow of it as a game to fall asleep in my crib.
Fearful thoughts made it shatter black, and the game was to keep it smooth
and golden. Later the glow turned to moving kaliedescope op-art patterns
like fireworks exploding.
I was also having wicked Night terrors of this great black shadow
monster who killed me over and over, and I would wake to see monsters in
every shadow. Even if I looked at a blank wall, the microdots would shape
themselves into skulls and monsters. Finally I learned to approach her
without fear, and avoid being destroyed... but then the dreams got worse, I
became her, and had no voice to warn those who feared, not to so they would
not get their heads ripped off by me. Awful. By them I had learned to say
prayers at night and prayed for "no bad dreams". It worked, so I kept doing
it till the dreams stopped... or at least, went unconscious... perhaps it
was because I was focusing on praying instead of watching the fireworks.
About 5 years ago, reading books on Shamanism I recognised the players
in this drama. Falling asleep, meditating on my 3rd eye had lead to seeing
the kaliedescope patterns of the portal to the Dreamtime.. and meeting the
Portal Guardian, the reflection of fear... Death. A Preschool child on the
path of the Shaman.. sometimes I wonder how I survived.
I spent a lot of time wandering alone in the woods on my Grandmother's
farm. Thinking of faeries and imagining I could feel them, ... experiences
I kept to myself. In grade 6 (age 12-13?) I borrowed "Jonathan Livingston
Seagull" off my hippie teacher's desk. I resonated with the misfit bird and
his secret "specialness", and the insight that there could be spirituality
without sin or Jesus. It was a tremendous validation and I had a
K-experience while reading it, and after... I do not remember it well, only
that there was a Divine confirmation, some lost time and afterwards I was
in an altered state similar to the Witness... very detached. Birth of
Messianic tendencies, LOL.
That year I also learned self hypnosis from a book that the teacher said
should not have been on the grade 6 bookshelf, when I went to get my gold
star, and promptly removed... but that was OK because I had already read
it, accepted the potential and promptly gone to work rearranging my own
head and body. Most of the stuff I did was pretty foolish, walling off
anything scary... ignoring my inner voice telling me that faith was a
better way to go. I also programmed my body to grow up to look like a
Marvel Comics superheroine... my inner voice told me their proportions were
not human but I did not care...
Childhood is to age 12, right?
Blessings...
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/spirit/kindex.htm
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