To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/03/27 21:52
Subject: Re: [K-list] loving mates (was Re: Digest Number 930)
From: Silverstar
On 2002/03/27 21:52, Silverstar posted thus to the K-list:
Magdalene,
Thank you so much for your reply to my post. I appreciated your view and
experience with things.
I probably have several "other things" that contribute to my unhappiness in
my marriage I just did not go into the BIG one: my husband is a farmer.
Most farmers are married to their farms first. Well mine is married to his
farm, then his church and then his TV. And after that if he is not too
tired, I come in to play. LOL! So along with him being a very stable, very
kind, non drinker, non carouser, non smoker. He is also "not" a
consistently loving person and a non talker. I could go weeks without a
kiss, hug or love and sometimes no conversation...... also go without
vacations, or dates with him. Sighhhhhhhhh. So I see what you were tring
to share. And I would love to beable to just have gratitude for his fine
qualities(he does have wonderful qualities) and live my life with a smile. I
have tried to do that for 33 years. It is just that at this stage of the
game I am wondering just what marriage is about. And then to top it off,
when I have decided to start doing what makes me happy in life, in comes my
"K". (But, I consider that a blessing!) Except that he would never
understand what "K" is. I am sure that he would have me exorcised!
I know you were not trying to say you had the answer and I know that you
probably did not want to know "the rest of the story" so to
speak..........but here I am sharing it with you, in hopes that you will
have a better idea as to who I am.
I did not mean to be negative, only share openly. Warmly Sue
----- Original Message -----
From: "Magdalene Meretrix" <magdaleneATnospammagdalenemeretrix.com>
To: "kundalini" <K-list >
Sent: Wednesday, March 27, 2002 5:36 PM
Subject: [K-list] loving mates (was Re: Digest Number 930)
> At 08:57 AM 3/26/02 -0800, Silverstar wrote:
>
> >I live with a man that does
> >not know how to give love on a regular basis, let alone receive it
> >consistently. I believe this is a great hurt and sorrow in my life and
> >that I will have to find ways of accepting him for who he is. I have
every
> >intention of staying in the marriage, but it has not been a blissful walk
in
> >the park for me. I know if I am able to overlook the love I do not
receive
> >and shine that love on him, it will take that hurt and replace it with
the
> >JOY we were meant to feel.
>
> I wanted to relate something similar. I'm not saying that my situation is
> your situation, but there might be points of similarity.
>
> I used to think that my partner did not know how to give or receive love.
> In the nearly four years we've lived together, he's never said, "I love
> you." He is not physically demonstrative -- not into hand-holding,
> eye-gazing, cuddling (outside of sex-time). He doesn't write love notes,
he
> has never given me flowers. He never notices if I lose weight or change my
> hair, he never comments on new clothes. He has never told me I look nice
or
> that I am beautiful. In fact, he doesn't compliment anything about me --
> intelligence, spirituality, perseverance or appearance.
>
> In short, he does none of the "little romantic things" that I'd been
taught
> that men are "supposed" to do. Men in books and movies do these things.
> Advice columnists tell people to do these little things to make their
> relationship better. "Everyone" is "supposed" to aim towards these sorts
of
> behaviors in relationship.
>
> I sat down with him and asked him why he doesn't say "I love you." (I
> figured I'd pick one point and focus on it rather than attempt an
> overwhelming discussion of all the social "norms" he wasn't observing.) He
> told me that he doesn't like to feel forced to do or say things. It was a
> long discussion and there was more to it than the simple exchange that I'm
> portraying, but the basic gist is that he felt that the whole "romantic
> social contract" was a sort of a stage play that people try to force one
> another to act in.
>
> I suppose you've had a similar conversation with the man in your life so
> you already know why it is that he doesn't choose to or isn't able to take
> part in the game of romance.
>
> Once I had my partner's side of thing, I sat down to think about what love
> is, how one expresses it and how one accepts it. My partner makes sure I
> have food that I like, even when it's food he won't eat. He gave me the
> best spot to sleep in (a spot so choice that he always sleeps there if
he's
> taking a nap while I'm awake but if we're both sleeping, he gives it to
> me.) He has made a special effort to encourage my artistic expression --
> not in words like "honey, I support your artistic expression" but in real
> actions such as buying a good microphone so I could do spoken word pieces
> and being willing to lay in music tracks with my words, mix the sound and
> burn CDs of my work. He has been similarly supportive of my choice to stay
> home and build a writing career rather than go out and work a dead-end job
> even though it has meant that he has had to work more to take up the
> financial slack of that decision.
>
> For me, it's been a path of growth to be with him because it has shattered
> my preconcieved notions of how people are "supposed' to love one another.
> There was a time when I ached to hear certain words from him and now it
> doesn't bother me because I already know that the words I would want to
> hear are true and the actions are more important than the words. I've been
> with partners who said all the right words and abused me at the same time.
> I'd far rahter have someone with right action and no words than right
words
> and wrong actions.
>
> Like I said, my situation my have absolutely nothing to do with your
> situation, but it's been a powerful catalyst for my growth so I thought
I'd
> share in case it did have any bearing on your situation and might be able
> to add to you rpersonal storehouse of perspective and gratitude. Reading
> between your lines, it sounds like you have a good, solid man in your
life.
> That's definitely something to be grateful for!
>
> Love,
> Magdalene
>
> --
> http://www.magdalenemeretrix.com
>
> Vote for my book, "Turning Pro," in the 2002 Firecracker Alternative Book
> Awards!
> http://firecrackerbooks.org/fihome.html
>
>
>
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