To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/03/27 18:36
Subject: [K-list] loving mates (was Re: Digest Number 930)
From: Magdalene Meretrix
On 2002/03/27 18:36, Magdalene Meretrix posted thus to the K-list:
At 08:57 AM 3/26/02 -0800, Silverstar wrote:
>I live with a man that does
>not know how to give love on a regular basis, let alone receive it
>consistently. I believe this is a great hurt and sorrow in my life and
>that I will have to find ways of accepting him for who he is. I have every
>intention of staying in the marriage, but it has not been a blissful walk in
>the park for me. I know if I am able to overlook the love I do not receive
>and shine that love on him, it will take that hurt and replace it with the
>JOY we were meant to feel.
I wanted to relate something similar. I'm not saying that my situation is
your situation, but there might be points of similarity.
I used to think that my partner did not know how to give or receive love.
In the nearly four years we've lived together, he's never said, "I love
you." He is not physically demonstrative -- not into hand-holding,
eye-gazing, cuddling (outside of sex-time). He doesn't write love notes, he
has never given me flowers. He never notices if I lose weight or change my
hair, he never comments on new clothes. He has never told me I look nice or
that I am beautiful. In fact, he doesn't compliment anything about me --
intelligence, spirituality, perseverance or appearance.
In short, he does none of the "little romantic things" that I'd been taught
that men are "supposed" to do. Men in books and movies do these things.
Advice columnists tell people to do these little things to make their
relationship better. "Everyone" is "supposed" to aim towards these sorts of
behaviors in relationship.
I sat down with him and asked him why he doesn't say "I love you." (I
figured I'd pick one point and focus on it rather than attempt an
overwhelming discussion of all the social "norms" he wasn't observing.) He
told me that he doesn't like to feel forced to do or say things. It was a
long discussion and there was more to it than the simple exchange that I'm
portraying, but the basic gist is that he felt that the whole "romantic
social contract" was a sort of a stage play that people try to force one
another to act in.
I suppose you've had a similar conversation with the man in your life so
you already know why it is that he doesn't choose to or isn't able to take
part in the game of romance.
Once I had my partner's side of thing, I sat down to think about what love
is, how one expresses it and how one accepts it. My partner makes sure I
have food that I like, even when it's food he won't eat. He gave me the
best spot to sleep in (a spot so choice that he always sleeps there if he's
taking a nap while I'm awake but if we're both sleeping, he gives it to
me.) He has made a special effort to encourage my artistic expression --
not in words like "honey, I support your artistic expression" but in real
actions such as buying a good microphone so I could do spoken word pieces
and being willing to lay in music tracks with my words, mix the sound and
burn CDs of my work. He has been similarly supportive of my choice to stay
home and build a writing career rather than go out and work a dead-end job
even though it has meant that he has had to work more to take up the
financial slack of that decision.
For me, it's been a path of growth to be with him because it has shattered
my preconcieved notions of how people are "supposed' to love one another.
There was a time when I ached to hear certain words from him and now it
doesn't bother me because I already know that the words I would want to
hear are true and the actions are more important than the words. I've been
with partners who said all the right words and abused me at the same time.
I'd far rahter have someone with right action and no words than right words
and wrong actions.
Like I said, my situation my have absolutely nothing to do with your
situation, but it's been a powerful catalyst for my growth so I thought I'd
share in case it did have any bearing on your situation and might be able
to add to you rpersonal storehouse of perspective and gratitude. Reading
between your lines, it sounds like you have a good, solid man in your life.
That's definitely something to be grateful for!
Love,
Magdalene
--
http://www.magdalenemeretrix.com
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