To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/03/07 19:27
Subject: [K-list] as if and if only
From: Michael Read

sent to me by a friend. if only this were the way wars were fought -
nes-pa?

The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies
revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist
philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots
by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets',
will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency
and existential ennui among the enemy. Hardened by numerous
intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left
Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement Cafes
at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee
and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely
isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of
heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by
sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and
looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo,
a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated
wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the
most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue
out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating
freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the
films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been
quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the
effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could
wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.

Christof F. Irran
http://www.bpmlaw.com

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