To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/02/05 08:13
Subject: Re: [K-list] Paying for that first kiss
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2002/02/05 08:13, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 04:17 AM 05/02/02, Mia wrote:
>in a way this incident was an important turning point. S. had smashed the
>light..........
>and i felt, i couldn't take it any longer........
>i left her.
>It still feels like a failure to me......
>i should have been able to .......i did a poor job...... i abandoned the
>job.......
>i don't know....
>i just knew exactly that i couldn't handle it any longer and that it would
>have killed me if i would have stayed.
I hear you, I know exactly what you mean. I did not mean for my
suggestion to sound arrogant. I know nothing.
I have a short list of people whom I did everything I could to try to
help them, bent over backwards until I snapped like the proverbial camel's
back. In the end I had to throw them out of my life and break off all
contact with them, or die of their toxicity. My immune system could not
handle empathy with it. Take on karma from someone who really does not want
to give it up, it just gets stuck in me, and my immune system is the first
to go.
Still feels like a failure, and I expect it always will... even though
most of them still think of me as their angel, and I still wonder why.
Looking for the light in it, the experience taught me humility, and in the
end broke my addiction to the "hero/savior/matryr" game.
But on the plus side, I take much better care of myself, now. I honor
myself, I honor my boundaries, and people who do not respect my boundaries
get tossed out of my life sooner rather than later. No more martyrdom. No
more putting up with abuse out of some misguided idea that to be
"spiritual" means being a doormat and a dartboard.
Free Will is Goddess law. If they have made a free will choice for
misery and do not want to change, then so it is... but you do not have to
go there too. You can make a choice to walk away, and that choice is as
healthy and self-affirming as the battered wife who leaves her abusive spouse.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me."
Perhaps it is when we are feeling most helpless, wretched and totally like
a failure, that Grace, comes... and perhaps the higher purpose of the toxic
people, is just that... to provide experiences of humility that eventually
lead to Grace.
Just some thoughts...
Blessings..
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