To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/02/05 05:17
Subject: Re: [K-list] Paying for that first kiss
From: Mia
On 2002/02/05 05:17, Mia posted thus to the K-list:
Mystress said: << What happens if you stop trying to change her? What if you cease
resisting and reasoning and simply listen with acceptance? Karma Vampire
games... she is spewing her karma at you, all you really have to do is
accept it and surrender it on her behalf.>>
That's the theory, but in practice- as you also said- it can be quite tricky......
i had a relationship with a woman some years ago.....
i tend to be a catalyst for other people and they have been " spewing their karma" at me quite a bit during the years, so i'm " used " to it in a way....
but this one i couldn't handle.
When she was calm she would tell me: " You are like a bright light shining in every corner of my basement and getting all she shit out that i'm hiding there".....
and i knew it wasn't meant personally and i didn't take it personally and i wasn't angry with her because of it and i didn't blame her nor did i feel the need to " change" her.....the process seemed pretty clear to me. I told her the stuff has to come out and that's all there is.......
she sometimes cried and told me, she loves me so much and she wants to give me the best of what she is, but instead she is giving me her worst......
She was chronically sick ( CFS) and most of the time she wasn't able to do anything for herself. She hated me for having to assist her.
She got bored, because she couldn't work, i had my office in the same building and she would start power struggles to get my away from work.
I never experienced an energy so violent before in this life time. She was like a black dark hole, sucking every piece of energy she could get and at the same time spewing violence in my direction......
i knew a similar combination from my mother, but my mother's energy is subtle and more intellectual, feels more like swords cutting you......
S. energy was like a bomb...... even the moves of her body felt violent at times. She would turn around in bed during the night ( not being able to sleep and being angry because of that probably) and the energy of her anger would wake me up in shock and crying, because i was so scared.
Sometimes she would wake me up in the middle of the night with a knife in her hand standing in front of me not sure whether to kill herself or kill me......
she would threaten to go up to the attic to hang herself if i wouldn't do this or the other......
or she would get depressed and invite me to commit suicide with her in the forest........
i never felt the need to argue with her, i never got angry...... i observed what was happening and gave it to the Divine......
i didn't feel it has something to do with " me",perhaps not even with her, it could have been a manifestation of " our" evil, coming from the pool of collective negativity, but in a way ........ i had to be able to stand the energy that was manifesting. It was so thick, so massive.......
some minutes later she got wild again and threw a lamp against the wall......
it was a " Jugendstil" lamp.....an antique one...... one of the very few pieces of belongings i had moved around with me for almost 20 years......
in a way this incident was an important turning point. S. had smashed the light..........
and i felt, i couldn't take it any longer........
i left her.
It still feels like a failure to me......
i should have been able to .......i did a poor job...... i abandoned the job.......
i don't know....
i just knew exactly that i couldn't handle it any longer and that it would have killed me if i would have stayed.
so i left......
i hope she found a way out of this place by now.......
love to everybody
mia
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