To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/01/05 10:31
Subject: Re: [K-list] the kundalini process and the spaces between
From: L. J. Klinsky
On 2002/01/05 10:31, L. J. Klinsky posted thus to the K-list:
Hi Magdalene. Yes, it sure sounds like you're experiencing K. I, too, was doing lots of yoga and meditation, when out of nowhere energy started pouring through my body up through my head. I wrote this list after doctors insisted I had fibromyalgia and tried putting me on every conceivable pill--sleeping, antidepressant, pain killer, etc. I think you've come to the right place. This group scooped me out of a DEEP hole, such knowledgable and kind people. I'm a new person since I learned the "tools."
When I was growing up, meditation and hatha yoga were a regular part of my
family's spiritual practices. About ten years ago, my kundalini rose.
Although I'd grown up with Hindu teachings (among others), I didn't know
what kundalini was, nor did I realize until afterwards that I had
experienced the rising of my kundalini. It occured while I was in the
forest, meditating. A powerful surge of white-hot energy went shooting up
from the dirt beneath me, though my body and out the top of my head. It was
as if a fire hydrant or geyser had turned on. When I described this event
to others later, I was told that I had experienced the rising of my
kundalini. I did some research and agreed.
Yep, sounds like K to me :).
The reason I have only recently begun to wonder if my physical
manifestations are kundalini related is that I went for approximately five
years after that kundalini surge with no ill-effects. I heard vague rumors
that sometimes people have difficulties when their kundalini rises, but I
felt just fine, so I figured I wasn't one of the people who have
difficulties.
I've read a lot of postings from people whose K symptoms stopped for long periods of time, or changed after time. This is not rare at all. I had an extremely difficult K awakening so I can express that part of it. Here's what I wrote when I finally found this K-list:
1. When I do my Hatha-style yoga routine, I often feel massive circles of energy at all chakras. Then I feel like I am just a huge ball of energy, mixing with the world at large. This isn't a bad feeling, nor does it feel like an illness; it feels like something else. I have to go into Corpse Pose for moments after many poses so my body can "come back." Additionally, I'm a huge "buzz" all the time. I feel like I can feel every molecule moving in my body every moment.
2. When I meditate, my left toe, left leg, and left hip invariably go numb after a short period of time. By the end of a 40-minute meditation, the whole left toe/leg/hip complex feels completely dead. I can pound with all my strength on my leg and not feel a thing for many minutes. I guess you could call this complete temporary paralysis. Itzhak Bentov calls it a physiological brain-cortex phenomenon that eventually leads the nervous system to a higher state of evolution. That is, if you can get a handle on it before permanent damage occurs.
3. I have variable pains occurring in my body, differing most every day, with corresponding surges of energy seeming to go to those areas. Presently my neck, back, butt, and knees are sore. Other times I've had intense pains in my shoulder blades and back, legs, and my arms.
4. I have not slept more than one and a half hours straight in over 3 1/2 months. I try to force myself to go back to sleep after each waking. Last night I didn't sleep more than 45 minutes straight because I was woke by energy surges, giving me a total of 4 hours sleep. Even when I am totally tired, the energy surges through my body anyway, keeping me awake. The feeling is as if I drank 1000 cups of coffee, only I haven't had any or any other outside stimuli.
5. I've been having a hard time focusing and I feel disoriented often, probably because I'm not getting any sleep.
6. I have an incredible, recurring ringing in my ears that can't be believed. It's almost conversational in nature, and sometimes it even overpowers outside sounds. It is hard to sleep sometimes because of this, too.
7. I often feel like "something" is trying to communicate with me.
I wanted to share this with you to reassure you that the symptoms can be harness and controlled.
I had been working with directing prana since I was a child
so I just worked with the kundalini energy as if it were prana and found I
could move it around in my body, swathe it around my body like a cocoon,
offer it to others and so on. It felt like working with prana but much
stronger; prana was like a golden soft wave and kundalini was like a
thundering breaker.
Others in this group know a lot more about this topic than I, so I'll leave it to them.
The physical problems started three years later, in 1997. It began as
intense pain in my feet, specifically, my heels. I suspected bone spurs or
tendon problems, but the doctor said everything was fine. Then it spread to
my back and grew more and more severe until I thought I'd thrown my back
out (again, the doctor said there was nothing wrong. Just take it easy and
it will go away) and at times I couldn't walk and would wake up in the
middle of the night, screaming in pain.
Sounds like typical MD babble to me. I won't even go to a regular doctor anymore for anything related to this. K works us through karmic blocks--that's its job--and this work often manifests as horrible pains and other physical symptoms in our bodies. The K is trying to run a smooth line through our body, but we have all this gunk in us from memories, past hurts, and traumas. (The birth of your child certainly qualifies as a trauma.) So when the strong K energy hits a block, many of us feel it big time. With the help of many blessed kind souls on this list, and most especially Angelique who has been working with me directly, I've been learning how to clear my karmic blockages. I've gotten to the point where I clear these blockages every morning when I get up; there is no pain after I do this, only bliss. Of course, my karma blockages will continue to come back until I work on multitudinous issues, but I know now that it is possible to live a pain-free life. Total surrender is the key, something that often doesn't come easy for some of us.
I've learned to release my K energy through creative outlets, as well. This brings up issues that I need to look at, work through, and surrender. I draw, paint, box, drum, write, and whatever else will get my fears and other gunk out in the open to be released. It doesn't seem like you're releasing yours, so much as redirecting it through your body. K energy needs to be released.
The pain grew bad enough that I quit work. Symptoms mounted on top of
symptoms. I couldn't breathe -- at night, I'd wake up because I had stopped
breathing. I grew so short of breath I could barely walk from the bed to
the bathroom. I had heart palpitations. I had many headaches and also a
strange sort of pressure in my head, just behind my temples, right above my
ears. All my muscles and joints started aching. Some days, I couldn't even
lift my arms above my head because they hurt too much. My body grew so weak
that I couldn't open doors to get in and out of stores. The color yellow
was suddenly too intense; just looking at something bright yellow would
make me feel nauseous. I couldn't stand up in the shower anymore because
the sight of the water rushing past me made me so dizzy I'd nearly fall. I
started having a hard time understanding what people were saying and often
had to turn the closed captions on on TV in order to be able to follow what
was going on. Noises got intense. The sound of the computer fan hurt my
head. A handbell ringing or a child shrieking with delight or outrage were
so intense I had to cover my ears with my hands to endure the pain. I could
see fluorescent lights flickering and looking at the computer screen hurt
my eyes because I could see the refresh-rate of the screen as a continuous
flicker.
Many of us are VERY sensitive like this. My hearing is a lot like yours. I can hear a bee fart! lol My eyes are very sensitive, too. I wear sunglasses to go outside and can barely stand flourescent lights at all. Now that I know I'm not nuts and that it is *normal* to have enhanced senses, which by the way are a blessing once we adjust to the newness, these things level off quite a bit. It's when I thought something was wrong with me that I literally began freaking out. What we resist, persists (thanks, Angelique :) ), and resisting the K process just makes it a traumatic one.
My partner was helpful and empathetic at first, but as the symptoms mounted
and doctors continued to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me, he
began to use words like hypochondria and psychosomatic. He accused me of
convincing myself that I was ill by spending too much time reading medical
information online (chicken and the egg -- I was reading so much medical
stuff to try to figure out what was wrong with me.) I started to doubt my
sanity myself and became withdrawn. I stopped leaving the house. I gave up
on life. As if all this weren't enough, my digestive system went haywire
and started producing Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Irritable Bladder
symptoms on top of symptoms of FMS, CFS, asperger's syndrome (yes, I know
that's something you're born with, not something you develop, but when I
started relating my symptoms to very similar symptoms I had in pre-school,
I started wondering if I'd been born with Asperger's, learned to adapt and
was having some kind of flare-up due to stress), brain tumors, MS and the
list goes on and on. I finally had to give up and decide that I was just
plain old sick and I no longer cared what was making me sick and I no
longer believed anything would make me better. I couldn't walk into a
laundry soap aisle in the grocery store without having an asthma attack,
but the doctor tested me for asthma and I was fine. In fact, even though I
could barely breathe enough to complete a full sentence, testing showed
that I had *above average* lung capacity and function for a woman my age!
About a year ago, I spent an entire year with a huge lump in my throat
constantly. I dind't know if it was heartburn or something else.
I went through the same thing you did, with all the medical research. I experienced all the symptoms, like you, of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Colitis, Irritable Bladder Syndrome... I flipped out and was ready to end my life. I doubted my sanity and became a recluse. I learned that when we stop focusing on what's wrong with us, and instead focus on our blessings, this stuff disappears. What we give our attention to gets stronger; when we focus on sickness, we stay sick and get sicker. I've learned this the hard way.
It seemed like every part of my body was falling apart at once. My partner
told me that I was whining and that everyone has exhaustion and pain. My
partner told me that I was just getting old and that this is what happens
to people when they get old. I'm not even 35 years old yet! I'm not old --
or at least not so old that I should be crippled with pain at this age!
Well, you're not alone and I do believe there is a way out for you. I felt like a 90-year-old geezer myself, not more than three months ago. Now, I'm on fire with creative energy and the beauty of life. I've also learned that I held on to my sickness for a reason. I don't know if this is your case, but I wanted to share this with you. I held on because I was afraid to move forward with my life. Once I let go of that fear and surrendered it, the pains and symptoms dissipated miraculously. Our body's are absolutely incredible once we get in touch with what they're trying to tell us. Pain is a last resort for a body. Yours has been trying to tell you something. Have you ever asked your pain what it's trying to teach you? Every pain has a lesson.
There are two big reasons why I haven't decided emphatically that this is a
kundalini process:
1. After five years of trying to figure out what was wrong and leaping from
self-diagnosis to self-diagnosis, I can't help wondering what good yet
another self-diagnosis would do (and, of course, how my partner would
respond if I suggested this to him. He's very esoterically-oriented but he
grew so tired of my lingering illness and it put so much strain on our
relationship that I'm not sure I even want to bring the issue up again at
all.)
All illness is a manifestation of our thoughts. Once we address those thoughts, the illness goes away. Sounds easy, but takes TONS of work.
2. If this is a kundalini process, what the heck was happening during those
five years between the rising of my kundalini and the nearly unbearable
illness? I haven't read any accounts of people who were just fine for years
after their kundalini rose and then suddenly started in on a crisis process
years later. What's up with that?
You are not at all alone with this. I've read accounts where the K stops for 20 years. I can't even fathom this, but it does happen.
I guess it could be said that yet another reason is, "what good would it do
me to label this as kundalini?" I'm already spiritually-oriented. I already
spend a great part of my life focusing on spiritual matters. Calling this
kundalini wouldn't change that. I suppose this is more a question than a
reason -- how would it help me to know if this is kundalini? Would it help
to alleviate the physical suffering? Would it help me to find my way
through this stage more quickly or more comfortably? Will anything be
different in my life if I decide that these physical difficulties I've been
having for the last five years are a result of kundalini?
It would do a lot of good to know you're experiencing K. K is the ultimate reward for spiritual practice, a blessing to enlightenment. Not many people in the scheme of things ever get to experience it, yet you are. What a gift! It would certainly alleviate your physical suffering if it could relieve mine. Knowing the steps to work through it definitely makes it go by a whole lot more comfortably. And, yes, it'll make a huge difference in your life if you decide that your symptoms are the result of a kundalini awakening.
It may be that I'm having kundalini experiences or it may be that I have a
fierce case of fibromyalgia and there's no connection between it and the
rising of my kundalini other than coincidental.
After reading about 20 books on fibromyalgia, I have learned that it is a dis-ease that is prescribed when a doctor doesn't have a clue as to what's going on with a person. If doctors looked at the whole person, they'd have a clue.
I hope anything I said will shed some light on this for you. I am so grateful that I found this list; I'm sure you will be, too.
Love,
Leslee
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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