To: K-list
Recieved: 2002/01/05 04:02
Subject: [K-list] the kundalini process and the spaces between
From: Magdalene Meretrix
On 2002/01/05 04:02, Magdalene Meretrix posted thus to the K-list:
I am uncertain, but perhaps I might be experiencing physical manifestations
of kundalini.
When I was growing up, meditation and hatha yoga were a regular part of my
family's spiritual practices. About ten years ago, my kundalini rose.
Although I'd grown up with Hindu teachings (among others), I didn't know
what kundalini was, nor did I realize until afterwards that I had
experienced the rising of my kundalini. It occured while I was in the
forest, meditating. A powerful surge of white-hot energy went shooting up
from the dirt beneath me, though my body and out the top of my head. It was
as if a fire hydrant or geyser had turned on. When I described this event
to others later, I was told that I had experienced the rising of my
kundalini. I did some research and agreed.
The reason I have only recently begun to wonder if my physical
manifestations are kundalini related is that I went for approximately five
years after that kundalini surge with no ill-effects. I heard vague rumors
that sometimes people have difficulties when their kundalini rises, but I
felt just fine, so I figured I wasn't one of the people who have
difficulties. I had been working with directing prana since I was a child
so I just worked with the kundalini energy as if it were prana and found I
could move it around in my body, swathe it around my body like a cocoon,
offer it to others and so on. It felt like working with prana but much
stronger; prana was like a golden soft wave and kundalini was like a
thundering breaker.
A year after my kundalini rose, I became pregnant. This surprised me,
because I'd thought I was infertile until that moment. My life wasn't ready
for a child, but something kept turning me away whenever I'd look into the
options of abortion or adoption, so I settled into the idea that I was
going to be a parent and hired a midwife. The birth experience --
unmedicated, at home -- was very beautiful and intense, but my daughter
died the moment the crown of her head touched the air. I felt her leave and
later my midwife and her assistant both confirmed independently (without
being specifically asked) that they felt her leave at that precise moment
as well. I had many dreams and visions afterwards, some very significant,
with an overall message from my daughter to me that her leaving had been
the greatest gift she was capable of bestowing on me. That was confusing to
me, but I accepted it at face value and thanked whomever or whatever my
daughter was for passing through my life and my body and offering her gift.
The physical problems started three years later, in 1997. It began as
intense pain in my feet, specifically, my heels. I suspected bone spurs or
tendon problems, but the doctor said everything was fine. Then it spread to
my back and grew more and more severe until I thought I'd thrown my back
out (again, the doctor said there was nothing wrong. Just take it easy and
it will go away) and at times I couldn't walk and would wake up in the
middle of the night, screaming in pain.
The pain grew bad enough that I quit work. Symptoms mounted on top of
symptoms. I couldn't breathe -- at night, I'd wake up because I had stopped
breathing. I grew so short of breath I could barely walk from the bed to
the bathroom. I had heart palpitations. I had many headaches and also a
strange sort of pressure in my head, just behind my temples, right above my
ears. All my muscles and joints started aching. Some days, I couldn't even
lift my arms above my head because they hurt too much. My body grew so weak
that I couldn't open doors to get in and out of stores. The color yellow
was suddenly too intense; just looking at something bright yellow would
make me feel nauseous. I couldn't stand up in the shower anymore because
the sight of the water rushing past me made me so dizzy I'd nearly fall. I
started having a hard time understanding what people were saying and often
had to turn the closed captions on on TV in order to be able to follow what
was going on. Noises got intense. The sound of the computer fan hurt my
head. A handbell ringing or a child shrieking with delight or outrage were
so intense I had to cover my ears with my hands to endure the pain. I could
see fluorescent lights flickering and looking at the computer screen hurt
my eyes because I could see the refresh-rate of the screen as a continuous
flicker.
My partner was helpful and empathetic at first, but as the symptoms mounted
and doctors continued to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me, he
began to use words like hypochondria and psychosomatic. He accused me of
convincing myself that I was ill by spending too much time reading medical
information online (chicken and the egg -- I was reading so much medical
stuff to try to figure out what was wrong with me.) I started to doubt my
sanity myself and became withdrawn. I stopped leaving the house. I gave up
on life. As if all this weren't enough, my digestive system went haywire
and started producing Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Irritable Bladder
symptoms on top of symptoms of FMS, CFS, asperger's syndrome (yes, I know
that's something you're born with, not something you develop, but when I
started relating my symptoms to very similar symptoms I had in pre-school,
I started wondering if I'd been born with Asperger's, learned to adapt and
was having some kind of flare-up due to stress), brain tumors, MS and the
list goes on and on. I finally had to give up and decide that I was just
plain old sick and I no longer cared what was making me sick and I no
longer believed anything would make me better. I couldn't walk into a
laundry soap aisle in the grocery store without having an asthma attack,
but the doctor tested me for asthma and I was fine. In fact, even though I
could barely breathe enough to complete a full sentence, testing showed
that I had *above average* lung capacity and function for a woman my age!
About a year ago, I spent an entire year with a huge lump in my throat
constantly. I dind't know if it was heartburn or something else.
It seemed like every part of my body was falling apart at once. My partner
told me that I was whining and that everyone has exhaustion and pain. My
partner told me that I was just getting old and that this is what happens
to people when they get old. I'm not even 35 years old yet! I'm not old --
or at least not so old that I should be crippled with pain at this age!
The symptoms have eased off. There are still enough reminders that they're
lurking and waiting. I don't know whether I'll have another flare-up or if
they'll continue to taper off. I still don't know what was going on, what I
had (if anything), whether to expect it to return or what. The reason I
began to wonder about kundalini is that I stumbled across this list of
symptoms:
http://members.aol.com/ckress/symptoms.html
And recognized myself in it.
There are two big reasons why I haven't decided emphatically that this is a
kundalini process:
1. After five years of trying to figure out what was wrong and leaping from
self-diagnosis to self-diagnosis, I can't help wondering what good yet
another self-diagnosis would do (and, of course, how my partner would
respond if I suggested this to him. He's very esoterically-oriented but he
grew so tired of my lingering illness and it put so much strain on our
relationship that I'm not sure I even want to bring the issue up again at
all.)
2. If this is a kundalini process, what the heck was happening during those
five years between the rising of my kundalini and the nearly unbearable
illness? I haven't read any accounts of people who were just fine for years
after their kundalini rose and then suddenly started in on a crisis process
years later. What's up with that?
I guess it could be said that yet another reason is, "what good would it do
me to label this as kundalini?" I'm already spiritually-oriented. I already
spend a great part of my life focusing on spiritual matters. Calling this
kundalini wouldn't change that. I suppose this is more a question than a
reason -- how would it help me to know if this is kundalini? Would it help
to alleviate the physical suffering? Would it help me to find my way
through this stage more quickly or more comfortably? Will anything be
different in my life if I decide that these physical difficulties I've been
having for the last five years are a result of kundalini?
It may be that I'm having kundalini experiences or it may be that I have a
fierce case of fibromyalgia and there's no connection between it and the
rising of my kundalini other than coincidental. It may be that my kundalini
is levelling out or calming down in some way or it may be that I have a
medical condition that is in remission right now. I'd appreciate any
insights from those who have been through similar experiences. Thanks.
Agape,
M
--
http://www.magdalenemeretrix.com
"Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something."
-- Henry David Thoreau
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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