To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/12/08 15:09
Subject: Re: [K-list] SERENDIPITY STRIKES AGAIN! (EMDR)
From: emilybATnospamsympatico.ca
On 2001/12/08 15:09, emilybATnospamsympatico.ca posted thus to the K-list:
Hi Melanie :)
The only book I read on EMDR was the one written by Francine Shapiro who
discovered and developed the technique.
The therapists who do EMDR say that you should do EMDR with them. But I did
EMDR on my own and still continue to use the technique whenever I feel a
problem, though the problems have been few and far between since doing
extensive EMDR this summer.
If you want Melanie, I'll try to explain the technique I used as clearly as
possible. It works wonders and none of the problems I have reprocessed have
ever come back in the last 5 months and I used to be plagued by constant
anxiety and huge bouts of depression, especially in the Fall and Winter. And
I'm feeling great this season for the first time in my life. :))))
I'd like to share an email I wrote to my sister after my first big
breakthrough with EMDR. After that particular experience, the rest of my
EMDR sessions were a piece of cake!! :)
I'm baring my soul here for all to see, but hey, we're all K family right?
:) I do believe that doing EMDR was one of the catalysts of my K Awakening.
Emily xoxo :)
--------
I'VE BEGUN AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY
I went to see an EMDR therapist who recommended that I read the book
explaining EMDR that its discover, Francine Shapriro, wrote. In the book,
she gives some rudimentary explanations about EMDR and mostly gives true
cases of how EMDR helped people overcome grief, traumas both major and
minor, phantom limb phenomenon, rape, molestation and so forth.
As I was reading the book last weekend, I noticed that I had anxiety and I
had no idea where it came from, so I decided to try out EMDR by myself even
though you're not supposed to do it on your own.
I focused on the anxiety and noticed that it was money related. I continued
to do the eye movements when I remembered something that happened when I was
20 that I had never thought of since. I had my first credit card and I was
not making my payments. The company was calling me and 'threatening' me. My
money anxiety stemmed from those days! After processing that memory, another
came up, also from the same period. I had written a back check for my
landlord. I had mistakenly used the wrong checkbook. That also was a small
't' trauma which I reprocessed. Then came another thought of when I had to
make repayments on my student loan. Another session of reprocessing.
Afterwards, I was fine! :)
So I decided to do some more, trying not to focus one any major, capitol "T"
traumas, but just little ones. I remembered friends from the past, felt
anxiety and reprocessed it. I must have done this for an hour. Encouraged by
this, I continued to do more EMDR the following days.
Then I went camping by myself for 3 nights and I fasted for 2 days. I
finished reading the book on EMDR and I started reading a book on finding
the Beloved, a book on spirituality. The Beloved being a Sufi and Hindu name
for the Divine, God, the Universe whatever one wishes to call it.
I meditated and more importantly, I did extensive EMDR.
Man!! EMDR is mind blowing!!!!
I traveled down emotional paths that lead me through a lifetime of fear,
pain, negative expectations, distrust of others and myself. It shook me to
my core. I was able to begin reevaluating my whole life in view of the new
knowledge I had acquired.
Sometimes I was so shaken up, that I lost faith in the whole process; it
felt that the pain had no end and would never end. Thank heavens that I was
reading the book on The Beloved because it's an incredibly deeply spiritual
book, and it gave me the knowledge and the courage to continue to search
through my past and remain optimistic that I was on the right path.
The book teaches about the "I" and the "am". The "I" being the person we are
at this moment, the psychological person, this present reincarnation,
working through its fear and distrust. The "am" is the eternal, who we've
always been, who we will always be, the watcher, the witness.
In moments of unbearable pain, I would retreat into my "AMness" and was able
to distance myself from the "I" which was suffering the hell of a lifetime
of accumulated pain.
I have no idea how long this EMDR process will take, I have no idea what I
will still uncover. Some fears and pain I had never thought about yet they
were driving forces in my life.
For example, when I was young, I was always called 'scaredy cat' and
'yellow', to name a few. I had MENTALLY lumped these names, these fears,
these epithets with other names I had been called. I thought that by working
the name calling, I had worked on ALL the negative name calling.
Boy was I surprised to discover that I had never gotten over the 'scaredy
cat' names, that my subconscious still felt that I was a 'scaredy cat'!
After all that I had been through, after all the bravery that I had imagined
I had proven to myself, I still deeply believed that I was a 'scaredy cat'.
Just the word 'scaredy cat' provoked fits of incredible crying, loathing and
fear.
The very very worst one to process because it seemed unending, it seemed
that no amount of processing would undo it, and I'm sure it will take a long
time to undo it, are the "mommy, I'm scared; mommy I'm hurting; mommy, love
me." These feelings took me back probably to a time before I could speak. I
became certain that our mother had been unable to bond with me, to nurture
me from the moment of birth. I remember her often telling me: "I should
never have had kids. I was not made to be a mother." Maybe she had
post-natal depression. Or more probably, seeing how she still is today, she
was unable to love anyone, not even her own kids. Right after my birth, mom
got pregnant again but our brother was born sickly and didn't live very
long. Perhaps some of her pain stems from that experience, but I think it
probably comes from her childhood.
Another unbearable pain to process has been the thought: "I am unlovable".
It probably is tied in with the 'mommy' pain.
I went through a whole gamut of such thoughts. I had brought a pad to take
notes, but I was more interested in the process that chronicling it. I tried
thoughts such as: "I'm not good," "no one will ever love me," "I will never
have friends," "I am alone and will die alone." All and more brought intense
feelings of pain which I tried to process.
I even attempted EMDR all the way while driving to and from the campsite!
When I got home yesterday afternoon, I was emotionally and physically
drained; with a huge headache to boot! I did a bit more EMDR at home
whenever I had the courage to, but I was afraid of breaking open another can
of worms, another UNEXPECTED can of worms since I was just too drained to
go through the experience at that time.
I woke up this morning to more intense feelings: I couldn't tell if they
were pain or joy. I have realized that pain and joy are very closely linked.
No wonder one cries when overcome by joy.
I processed this emotion and discovered that I was scared to face the day,
scared to have to 'act normal' when I had had 3 days and more all by myself,
and feeling that I would not be able to put my pain aside till I had time to
start reprocessing the pain. But EMDR worked, and after an hour of intense
sobbing, I have found a calm 'centeredness'.
My sobbing wasn't all pain, there was much joy in it also. I could see a
progress, I was so thankful and felt so blessed. The blessing filled the
void between the bubbles of pain. I felt that I am completely destroying and
rebuilding my "I".
Now I am more committed to EMDR than ever before. I am discovering who "I"
truly is, what made "I" tick all these years, what was the underlying
motivation to much or maybe everything that I've ever done, to every
decision I've ever made.
I wondered at one point if by destroying my "I", if by having to deconstruct
and reprocess "I" from scratch, I would become totally lost, psychotic,
disconnected from reality. But the Finding the Beloved book guided me to my
"AMness" and I've come to believe that EMDR is a totally new way of
liberating oneself from life's pains and allows one to connect more easily
to the Divine, to the Beloved.
I've realized that I cannot be complete in a relationship, friendship or
otherwise, until I change my outlook, until I reprocess my pain and fears,
until I can approach all contacts with others with love, compassion and
trust. I've always expected others to hurt me so this became a
self-fulfilling prophecy. I've always feared 'others,' mistrusted them and
approached all relationships deep from my cesspool of pain and negative
expectations.
I realized also why someone telling me I'm wrong and stupid was so hurtful.
I processed this pain and realized to my surprise that for me, being 'right'
was the same as being 'loved', or rather since I didn't feel I deserved
love, at least I felt that I would be loved if I was 'right.' Being wrong
meant being unlovable. Strange how emotions work eh? :)
Another HUGE totally unexpected can of worms was remembering the house where
we were raised. God, I HATED that place, I hated every memory associated
with that place. It was a living hell for me. I didn't expect that. I had
thought that I had made peace with much of the past. Boy, has EMDR shown me
how wrong that was, how totally different the thinking process and the
emotional process are. EMDR reprocesses emotions first and foremost. Words
and thoughts are bundled up with the emotions, but definitely the emotions
are the triggers. I guess you could call it digging into the subconscious
and what surprises and dark things do lurk there!
I intend to continue to use EMDR for the rest of my life. Certainly, I will
use it now for as long as it takes, to reprocess the big 'T' and little 't'
traumas in my past life. And I will use it any time that I feel 'bad,',
anytime that I feel negative emotions to process and get rid of them.
I'm still on shaky ground but I feel so optimistic, so empowered. I finally
have something, along with meditation, to connect to my 'I' and to my "AM".
I can make sense of this life, find inner peace and joy.
>
> Not long ago I saw a program on t.v. that only briefly mentioned EMDR and I
> was
> hooked on the concept as a tool for healing not just 'known' trauma of War
> VETS, but
> the really deep subconscious and or even past life trauma. I wanted
> immediately to
> know more, but the program didn't go into much detail...I even missed the name
> of
> the therapy.
> Life got busy...and I knew it would pop up again.
> ...and it did!
> Thanks Emily. Your posting the other day gave me the name of it! EMDR
> I browsed the EMDR sites on the internet and am thinking of picking up one of
> the
> books. ( the David Grand one - Emotional Healing at Warp Speed: Power of
> EMDR)
> That book just FEELS right.
> Did you pick up any books, any one you found out that was good / not so good?
>
> Thanks again.
> Love Melanie
>
>
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