To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/12/04 17:39
Subject: [K-list] Special K
From: daniel tal
On 2001/12/04 17:39, daniel tal posted thus to the K-list:
Special K
This will be long, so if your not interested you might want to pass on this
post.
I am in a place ware my beliefs are once again being challenged.
I have been doing Transpersonal Therapy for about 2 years now. If you are
not familiar with this form of Therapy it is traditional psychotherapy
coupled with a more holistic and “new age” belief system. My therapist is
trained and teaches Reiki, Hatha Yoga, Kundalini facilitation (?) . this
does not mean my sessions are full of woo woo. They have and continue to be
deep psychological discussion and work to the core of my being.
To say that I am having problems with my 3rd and 2nd “Chakras” is an
understatement. The darkest part of my life and part of the K experience was
spent 2 years ago in hospitals wondering why I was getting debilitating
attacks and spasms in my stomach and abdomen that left me in bed for 3 days.
The frequency was one to three times a month and after many tests and much
cash, they did not find a thing – in fact they could not figure it out,
thought is was muscular.
This was a period in my life spent living the everyday with little faith and
less belief. I was abusive with myself in may forms, had no meaningful
relationships – my salvation was doing art, driven by creative vision, but
that I tried to place to much salvation in. I was looking for salvation
outside as hard as I could.
I was lead / created a relationship soon after and during this time that was
painful and that lead me to find a therapist – the events of those times
seem blurred and I know if I did not make into therapy I would either be
very very sick right now or possibly dead. Dark time.
I soon discovered that I am a “natural” at therapy – it is difficult,
painful , joyfully – you know – but amazingly is the way my mind works and
see things very fast – I now I am clear and “aware” and that is a gift
reflected by the K in my life. God speaks within me and I listen, most of
the time.
The K has been more intense of late, moving, heating, bubbling. Its both
very high and very painful when it moves the blocks. My therapist and I for
the first time, right now, are working with K. I had spoken to her about it
before but it was quite and serene, letting me pass through whatever it was
that I passed through.
Now we are dealing with the sexual, erotic aspect of it all. Not just the K,
but issues I have with intimacy and fear and being and letting my “happy,
true” face be seen. Had a session yesterday in which I related to her I was
angry. Told her my back was hot, my chakras warm.
We decided to move the energy and work with the K – she talked me through a
meditation that frankly scared the hell out me – I had never shared K or
even better this orgasmic sensations like that with someone and it brought
out the VERY old pain, issue, hurt, what have you – and we delved into that.
It was good educational – but again, I feel like I have opened a can of
worms. I have a strong belief that there are two types of people in this
world – those who have a choice to deal with their issues and live in an
ignorant bliss or those, awakened, driven by a force so powerful that they
can not sit still till understanding comes, even if they have no idea ware
the path goes or what they are doing. If we try to be ignorant, well, we
just cant. I was like that before K (if it was not their already), driven by
the madness of my family and narcissistic parents.
I learned that my belief system when it comes to K is very submissive, out
of control. That I let it move but without my will. I don´t know if this
makes sense or translates. I know here we speak about letting the K do its
work, but I don´t think I have done that correctly. I have let IT run free,
raised it to get an “ego rush” from it so as to feel special, perhaps.
Indulge in the “magical” aspects of it.
But it simply is a tool of transformation. Lead to gold.
I´m not sure what I am trying to say – but am just relating that this
amazing thing is in my life, the brutal beautiful task master that it is,
but I am terrified of what it will show me, how it will show it to me and if
I should let it.
Does my will drive the K?
If so, I have never tried to use it this way before and wonder if I can?
I have no proper training, I have no guru (nor want one – the closest is
therapy).
I want to find peace, live in peace. I don´t care about being a healer, a
master or God.
I don´t want fame or riches – just the simple measures of love and passion.
If any of you got any comments on this post, I´d like to hear them, it would
help.
Peace
Love
Dan
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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