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To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/11/14 03:59
Subject: [K-list] Mystresses explanation of patterns - more thoughts on male/female union - need advice!!
From: siska

On 2001/11/14 03:59,siska posted thus to the K-list:

Thanks for your explanation of patterns. The tribal art link is interesting - since breakdown No 6 (poor fractured meeee!), the patterns have often taken the form of what looks like South American art ie Mayan or Aztec - little figures with rows of sharp teeth if I remember correctly. Yikes.

Recovered from breakdown in July - since then have had a totally extraordinary time 'birthing' and integrating new energies/potentials etc. LOADS of syncs, my whole system's been highly electric for weeks on end - chakras pinging and glowing like mad - only now starting to 'normalise'. If I read the syncs correcting, this has been a second part of the marriage of my male and female.

Between No4 gave birth to quite aggressive male energy - which I thoroughly indulged through ambition, work-aholism, developing confidence/self esteem etc over 9 year period.

Then female wanted a piece of the action - through an incredible experience of finding deep true love I had always sought (on a tropical island!) - for someone I couldn't have, I had breakdown No5. Incredible syncs/metaphors involving union of sun/male and moon/female. A vision the man I loved had about me taking a night voyage in a small wooden boat to Sun Island (higher self). He was not allowed to come with me. This led to release of long repressed feminine energy. I unblocked love for my mother - and made an honest connection with my father involving the release of deep harmful secrets etc.

For the next two years I basked in the feminine - lost all desire to work, did lots of cooking, tapestry, home making etc. Felt very passive.

Then came breakdown No6 - resulting in what seems to be reassertion of a healthier male energy. I feel at last I have a good balance of the two - and it concincdes with a time in my life where I'm in the right place, right city, right house, meeting incredible people/spiritual networking etc. - finding right life/work balance, exploring varied, exciting, flexible, downshifted work directions, great social life, came into inheritance so can pay off mortgage etc. Internally I've lost all fear, worry, anxiety. Incredible. It's like I've finally come into the person I always knew I could and wanted to be. Like a plane that's been taxi-ing along the runaway for 37 years and finally given clearance to take off (sorry for the unfortunate analogy but it best describes it...)

This last breakdown again involved a man - though after rather than being the trigger. He seems to have been the catalyst for the new male energies emerging. More syncs re male/female union - linked up to the first lot. And there was a wooden boat upstairs in the art gallery where I met him (called the Arnolfini - after the famous painting of a marriage. Had syncs about the Arnolfini about No5!). And meeting him there was a sync in itself - he sat next to me and I recognised him from his picture - we were actually due to meet for firstr time elsewhere 3 days later!! Met him on the net - drawn like a magnet to his image - then discovered not only has he a history of depressive breakdowns like me - but he lives round the corner!!!!

BUT - help - - attachment alert!! Intuition, not feelings tell me I've found my partner. Or if not my partner - than a life long deep friendship. It's amazing - we are the same yet opposite. What he's poor at I'm good at and vice versa - we were on this increcible voyage of discovery - mental, physical, spiritual - we were literally expanding each other. It was exhilerating. BUT he's totally cut off from the emotional. (Issues with his mother) Claims to have no feelings for me. Anyway - now he's off shagging half of Bristol. He wanted various bits of me - but not the whole. Plus bits of various other women.... Like pick and mix... I ended it. Have cut off completely.

Oh dear - bit of a come down eh?! ADVICE GLADLY ACCEPTED OH ENLIGHTENED ONES. Have I got it wrong? Was he just a temporary manifestation/catalyst of my inner union??? It hurts but at least it's containable. Before I would have been flooded...

Thanks from a confused....siska.


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