To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/11/06 19:33
Subject: [K-list] The art of Balance
From: mgb
On 2001/11/06 19:33, mgb posted thus to the K-list:
Hello all, i hope you are doing well. I have a serious problem and i'd like to know if you can help or enlighten me on it. I think a good metaphor would be like having an angel and a demon inside you. When i'm the angel i'm very spiritual, i reach a point of so much peace that i am in complete harmony with myself, with spirit, with everyone, just with that One, i feel that One and nothing else. And it's like a phase, this year it lasted me for 3 months at the longest. Now i'm becoming the demon, when my psyche goes wild. Personalities start to come out to the surface, some end up controling me and becoming my reality, some just get stuck in my head and fight with each other for space. Very psychologically chaotic phase. One personality that has dominated me ( I suspect since previous lives) is the one with intense insecurity or low self-esteem (yes this is when i become suicidal). It's scary sometimes even though I know she stays in my head but she persists, she has her own pesimism about the world so she rationalizes herself to be that way, and than grabs my emotion to destroy me to the last bit. I start drinking, smoking, but i try not to go further than that. And it's strange, or i cant explain it, but when I am the angel nothing gets in the way, no addictions, no personalities, no mundane situations, nothing....i'm not just strong, i'm realized in some other plane and the physical feels like i'm here on a visit so I enjoy everything yet stay disattached to it. It's like being schizophrenic almost, but i havent lost all control, i'm still aware of whats going on i guess. but it's painful, very painful to be spiritual one day and the next want to destroy yourself. Balance is something i only get to know when i'm the angel. i change so much, sometimes overnite. Even within hours, severe mood changes. The last phase that I lived as the angel I learned to keep the peace a little better though, it's weird but even though theres chatter of my different personalities in my head i still repeat to myself "sat nam, sat nam" with every breath. like Essence is letting me know that while all this psychological shit is happening and my personalities seem like they are killing me, that it is there or my spirit is still awake taking care of me in the background, i feel it real now. ohhh but sometimes i dont, yes, sometimes my personalities take over...the ones that need alot of love. they fuck me up really bad and it hurts...sorry i had to express my feelings. well just wanted to share cause i know in this group theres people who know what the heck i'm talking about.
love,
maria.
SAT NAM--------
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