To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/10/06 05:07
Subject: [K-list] Okay, I'm processing
From: Serenasbliss
On 2001/10/06 05:07, Serenasbliss posted thus to the K-list:
Hi everyone-
Last night was big. At least two new things happened for me.
The smaller thing first. The setting was a surprise goodbye
party; I'm leaving Berlin in less than two weeks. A spontaneous
photo shoot developed as the evening went on. I counted four
digital cameras and three people in fetish wear happy to be posed
and photographed. Since the party was a surprise for me and
my partner, I neither was dressed in fetish wear myself nor
did I have my camera along.
I slipped really easily into the role of "stylist" for this
wonderful wacky photo shoot,
working on helping the "models" pose better, tweaking the outfits
here and there.
(Okay, I did get in on one series of shots, but only for
the smallest part of the evening. :-D)
The people involved in the shoot told me
I was good at what I did and the
women enjoyed the help I gave them
in terms of how to deal with being in front of the camera.
They were both comfortable and inspired, and they loved the photos.
(They joys of digital cameras- you get instant gratification
because you can reveiw the shots you've just taken.)
I have changed so much. The "old me" would have been frustrated,
sad, threatened to be underdressed at this party where there
were these other women dressed to the nines. I truly wasn't bothered
and didn't feel less loved, valuable, etc. or even less attractive,
oddly enough.
The old me would not have found a way to
participate in this part of evening... she would have sat, a miserable
wallflower, wanting to be a part and not
knowing how, and she would probably have eaten too much,
in order to cope.
I think I may be growing free
from the miserable "compare and despair" self-hate dynamic...
and while I love my clothes and props, I am just as much me- and
can give as much to an evening and to a group of people- if I am out
without them. It's me, after all- not what I look like.
This is huge for me.
The second thing that happened last night
was more difficult and I don't understand it yet.
Soon after I arrived at this party, I hugged an acquaintance and my
hand slid across his abdomen as we broke the
hug and I stepped back.
I yanked my hand back because I
thought I felt a large hot presumably tender swelling
protruding in front. I was afraid I'd hurt him by inadvertently bumping the
swelling. As if you shook somebody's proferred hand and then realized the
underside of the hand was bandaged-
"oh, did I hurt you?"
Then I carefully looked at his belly and saw no sign of any such swelling,
so I thought "that's odd, to have imagined that" and went on greeting people.
It was a very vivid hallucination on my part.
Ten minutes later this fellow is pouring his heart out to me about
the blood in his urine, his swollen kidneys ?,
the past week of medical and family drama,
and the anticipated results of his
blood tests (he has to wait until Monday to find out).
I think he said his kidneys not his liver were found to be swollen-
his english is pretty good but medical terminology was a reach for him
and I'm not sure we sorted out the right translation.
So I have an understanding that my Higher Self doesn't give me information
about people unless it is necessary to advance my growth/understanding
and/or I am supposed to do something on the basis of that
information. She filters stuff for me, so my wee brain isn't overwhelmed
with mental clutter. "need to know", I guess.
So I asked Her what I was 'sposed to do for him on the spot
if anything, and did it. I've never done anything around healing bodies
before, and I felt pretty in the dark, but that is not new.
Anyway. He's being tested for hepatitis, but I don't think he's got a virus.
I do think he's seriously sick; I felt out his energy
as carefully as I could at the party and he seemed quite
physically unwell, in addition to being upset and afraid.
I laid awake a while last night, thinking it over, sorting my impressions
and intuitions, and trying to connect what I've sensed in my
own body during my own various ailments
with what I sensed in this friend.
I think? suspect? he has a bacterial infection involving his kidneys.
The only reason I think this is that when I've got a virus, the
illness feels "cool" to me,
but bacterial infections seem "hot", and the swelling I
imagined on his abdomen felt very hot indeed.
To say that I "think" up this diagnosis is
stretching the use of the word "think"; this whole thing
seems way intuitive and not reasoning. I don't know much about
medicine and I am not sure I can tell you what
the kidneys do vs. what the liver does.
In fact, I know I don't know. I've read about liver
and kidneys in books before, but the info didn't stick in
my head.
I know a bit about my
own medical problems, and those of the people close to me,
but that is really all. So this entire thing surprised me.
I've never had an interest in medicine beyond a desire to
be as healthy as I can and to support the health of the people
in my life. It's psychology I've always studied. Not that I
believe bodies and minds are splittable, I have learned
in a very personal way that they aren't.
My Higher Self told me that there was no quick
physical healing available for my friend, because he needs this
illness. His father is a doctor and is disregarding/discounting his son's
health concerns and and invalidating him. So this illness is
part of my friend's process of sorting out his relationship with his
father.
Physical illness and recovery seem very complex.
it seems that when people are physically sick,
there can be a whole lot going on for them.
I don't mean this comment to blame anyone for
having an illness or to imply a belief on my part that all medical problems
have emotional/spiritual causes.
I guess I would say
that all medical problems have emotional and spiritual
~consequences~, and these consequences have big impacts
for the recovery process. This is about all I'm (loosely) sure of
at this point.
Anyway, comments welcome. I'd like to hear any experiences
others have had. I'm not freaked. Maybe I get
to learn now about something new.
Serena
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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