To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/09/29 19:07
Subject: [K-list] Shahadaa/Sean - pain of emptiness
From: Hbarrett47
On 2001/09/29 19:07, Hbarrett47 posted thus to the K-list:
Both of you touch on the perplexing and painful parts of spiritual growth --
the sudden appearance of emptiness and the pain of no longer fitting in
anywhere. You are on a profound voyage of change, without a map, and the
transformation does not always come easily. All of us have, at times, felt
what you feel. In my book, a path that is just about lightness and requires
nothing of the self is not much of a path.
What is happening is the slow transference of your identity from the personal
sense of self to the impersonal divine. When we're drawn to the path, we
often mistakenly assume that the transformation will enhance us personally
and remove the pains of being human. It is stunning to realize that, in
reality, the sense of a personal self is actually an illusion, yet without a
personal sense of self we can still function quite happily -- even more so,
actually. During the transformation, the problems of "me" become enhanced at
times as all the old patterns are brought to the surface for release. The
self-absorption at these times can be excruciating. I know I've experienced
depressions unlike any I've ever known before -- and I'm a psychologist!! It
helps to remind yourself over and over that these times of despair are
necessary and NOT YOUR FAULT. Accept these feelings as is without thinking
about them too much (easy to say, I know, but thinking just makes it worse
because resistance to what Is is a form of attachment. Real insight will
come, in time, whether you think or not). Turn them over to Goddess or
Whatever.
I've often thought the sudden falls into emptiness were reflecting the
weakening of ego attachments. Almost as if I were being protected from the
actual pain of disengagement by being absorbed into nothingness. Recently, I
read Bernadette Roberts who described these falls as moments when the ego
falls into the Void. Because -- before transformation -- it is the ego that
experiences God, when the ego starts to fall away "God" can no longer be felt
and one just experiences emptiness. Only later is the emptiness itself seen
to be God. This is as good an explanation as any I have read.
Don't make the mistake I always do, which is to try to get rid of the ego
myself in order to make the pain go away! We CANNOT make our own egos change
in any way, we cannot enlighten ourselves, we cannot perfect ourselves, nor
do we need to. This is not about becoming perfect people or having perfect
moods all the time or behaving in some perfect way. This is about letting
God re-make you in ways you cannot possibly anticipate. As Angelique says so
often, Goddess has it handled.
Love, Holly
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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