To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/09/19 20:00
Subject: [K-list] Re: Projection/Compassion (Hey Maria)
From: mgb
On 2001/09/19 20:00, mgb posted thus to the K-list:
Hi jase :)
thank you for your wisdom, i really appreciate it. I guess my way of putting it is, in intuitive terms i know that Essence/Goddesss will guide me ALL the way through this to the beauty of Infinity. In experience I havent learned what I need to learn yet, to surrender completely from ego. Yes I am the most judgemental person I know (and I'm judging myself as I say that, and not to judge it but to accept it), that is one of my strongest sub-personalities. I've been raised in a very judgemental society and family as well, since I was little I was encouraged to judge, to criticize, to discriminate, to separate. Every little thing was criticized, in sarcasm and in seriousness. I've internalized all of that since I was little and now it is the hardest things for me to release, it's so unconscious that i cant realize it when I'm awake, know what i mean? So yes, you are right when you say that I feel drained because I probably judge people, yes i certainly do, i do, i do, i do. I have to accept that. And I think what is hardest is accepting the darkest realities, I cant even say them here because I.....I just cant, (crying now), I"m not ready, damn it.
love
maria.
Panthur212ATnospamhotmail.com wrote: Hey Maria, All ~ :0)
I- -*thinks* Well, yeah, I suppose that I'm not really the
one to give advice on or claim any knowledge of this topic. . . .;0)
But who need that, anyways??? Heheheh... Thing is, Maria-luv ,
that what you've found draining, I've found to be a very fun
experience (most of the time).
:0) With my last posting not too long ago, before the ranting
poetry of Whispers to the Flames'- -I was speaking of God concepts
and such things. and that mine was- - dissolving....... :0) and in
dissolving, it remains, All that Is and Beyond, and All that is
not. . .
My brain lets go, and Goddess has it handled. ;0) If there's a
message out there, I can trust myself to reach for it when its time,
one more levels than one.
(i still ask why I can trust divine aide...but am learning to
release and let happen. maybe because i AM divine?? *laugh* so I'm
helping myself? A return call to Self! ;0) Wake up, sleeeepy head!!)
So I find out that I AM God(dess)/ All that is- -eh?? Sounds
NUTS. . . Sounds like a lot of work. . *laughs* How can I be ME and
Someone else?? Everything??? Oh, and then the tough one- - -
Nothing (but blissssssful).
Brain teaser. ;0)
No answer for me, yet. . . Just a Knowing...and I'm fine.
Lifted arms and laughter as I spin spin spin and fallllllllll into
Her lap. . . ;0) My Lap.. . *shrug* Hehehe.
So after that Email that I'd written about all of that- -
well. . ;0) I had the funnest expereinces while walking the halls of
the school I go to!
Got out of the car, and took a deep breath to ground. . .:0) Another
day. . .yeesh. So I walked INTO school, and my mind drifted back to
the emails and their responses et all- -the advice and the words that
I had been gifted with.
Suddenly, I was walking in between the huge, blobbish mass of
students that typically clogs the halls of any highschool on the way
in or out or to- - - and I *switched on*. . . :0) something clicked.
I looked at someone as they walked- -they passed me. . . I
laughed. :0) Yeah, out loud. .though I toned it down.
I felt other people pass....and realized...
"that was ME!"
I felt MYSELF passing Myself. I was Me, passing myself in a
hallway, splitting my essence up into hundreds of bodies and shapes
and sizes and forms nd ethnicities and all sorts of fun stuff.. . . .
Hide and seek. . . . .
"Okay, Jase- -slow down. .process. . ." :0) Yeah,
right. "fine. :0) Savour it, you twit."
So I did.
I was fat, I was a bully, I was the skinny one, I had red hair- -
Green eyes- - blue eyes. . . I laughed a lot, I never smiled, I
projected myself, I withdrew. . . .
And at the same time- -I was me. :0) Jason.
*I*, in all my multitude shapes and sizes and illusionary forms- - -
was beauty. I was love, projected, and hidden under layers and
layers and layers of Illusion. I was everything. . .:0)
By the time I"d walked outside towards my first class in the Trailers-
- I had a smile Glued onto my face. The whole walk I'd been
letting go of my boundaries and watching myself swirl around, pass
myself-- stop and talk to myself, brush by myself- - - -and felt the
utter incomprehension of the human motions of Every Day.
So I walked up to the trailer, and no one was there. .. .
The wind breezed by. . and I took a deep breath.
I breathed *myself* in- -invisible, disembodied, an
essence. .emotionless . . Everything. . Nothing. . .. - - -and I blew
wider. . . . . I was the tree across the railing from me- - the
grass being carressed by the winds. . . . . .the earth- - -
and as soon as I encompassed the Earth, I snapped. :0) Too much.
BIG. I wasn't ready to be that big. *laughs* though, of course, I
was - I just wasn't ready for that.
I smiled, realizing that I didn't want to push myself that far, and
snapped back into myself , and the bodies moving around me - - -to
simple, selective empathies that allowed me to reach out slightly
more voulentarily to feel 'what I was'. Yet my need for control I
surrendered as well, and let the empathies come spontaniously for as
long as they wished, alert and attentive to them. . . . Then I
surrendred my 'need' to be alert and attentive, and relaxed - -
everything came as it would.
:0) It was so much Easier for me to surrender in such a state.
Its been this same state that I've mostly been in during this whole
terrorist ordeal on the U.S. . . . Detatched, the Space in which
things like Time and our concepts of Being happen. A standing stone
in the river, letting egos and emotions and ideas and angers and
projections flow Around me. . .through me. . . . .but never clinging.
When stuff sticks, and I notice, I try to surrender-- but
generally trust Goddess to be on autopilot. :0) If I notice
something, I give it to "myself" :0) my concept that Goddess wears,
and let the whole thing unravel to Her- -to Energy, to me - -to
Nothing and everything and- - Oh, my... I did it again.
*sigh/smile* oops.
I get what I can handle. . no more. . .no less. . .. and the
circles and spirals expand and expound, to encompass every facet of- -
-everything. . . nothing. . . :0)
etc. etc. etc.
If you are finding the Empathies draining, could it be because
in your identifying with others, you are judging?? Unconciously?
I have no idea, love, honestly- - -But it struck me that if you
DO identify with 'others' like that, and start judging, or pulling
back to 'get away' from something that rubs you the wrong way- - like
the idea of yourself being malicious, or harboring B*tchy intents
towards others, you start judging yourself, and it gets messy. :0)
Not that you're doing this.
Actually, I suppose it could also be the Emptiness created by letting
go sometimes, that is causing your weak/depression. .??
Unravelling 'you' and giving to Goddess, leaving much space--so
feeling empty and or depressed; a weak, tired feeling.....
.... if THAT's the case, which I realllly dunno - -;0) Then you'll
fill up again. hehe. This time, though, you have a more informed
choice of what to Fill up with!
I opt for autopilot, and on deeper levels that conciousness, learn to
love the rainbow feelings of being "alone" I love for its
illusion. :0) even though I might feel shitty and sad and achy
while going through it.
Depressed is the same.
If only I could bring that enjoyment to the surface and the moment
WHILE I'm going through it. . .?? *laugh* Hmmmmm.
<<<world. For example any person that I see outside I realize that
she/he is me, I am fat or I am a B*tch or I am patient, etc. YIKES is
it me or is this draining? I've felt depressed and weak, but
observing myself...or trying to. I'm trying to learn the art of
compassion with these contemplations but I dont know if this would be
the best way...when I reflect others upon myself does this mean that
my energy boundary is broken?
Thinking that there is no need for energy boundaries. . .or a worry
about them. Grounding is defining, so perhaps that would help?? Find
yourself a good technique, hug a tree and hop to. ;0)
and if you PURPOSELY are identifying with other people, instead of
just 'letting it happen', then you are working a Muscle. That IS
rather tireing. You are stretching your own concepts and 'energy
boundaries' and all sorts of fun stuff to help yourself understand - -
so really, maybe just Let go and allow yourself to integrate. .
I used to be into the shield game- - Its necessary sometimes, like
when you are knocked suddenly off balance and need a breather to
realize that you don't need the shield. .Heheh; but just now I feel
like Goddess has it handled. :0) 'Aint nothin' gonnna touch me
unless it's s'posed to, and when it does- -I'll deal as it comes.
It's only draining when and if you try to unravel it all with
your mind. You end up usnig a bunch of mental energy in the
contemplation of Being. :0) I find it easier to just Be, and wait
for the answers to come along- - although even as I type that, it
rattles something within me that says:
'You hve to work for your answers!!!' 'Things don't just come to
you!!' 'God(dess) helps those who first help themselves! NOT lazy
arse people like yourself!!"
- --and yet. . . this is the work. The Being. :0) What I am to
understand will eventually be understood, and the whole process is a
dance. . .
and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it. ;)) Perks of surrender,
though my Mind still feels like it wants to unravel surrender a
little furthur to be satisfied.
<<<<the best way to learn how to love the unconscious. If anyone knows
more about projection or what I'm talking about please let me know or
tell me your suggestions. Thank you so much.
Well That's really Cool! :0) Umm- - there's more I feel like
saying, but suddenly, I feel like I don't have to. *sigh/smile*
oops. I'm not sure i've been of any help-- but really, this was
just a rant of mine. :0)
Do excuse me. . . . There is more- - to clarify- - but the
important thing about This post is, I suppose, the
conveyance. . .*grins* Disregard the words; ride the wave.
Um. . :0) *hug* Thanks!
>
>Love light peace,
>
> maria
>
>
>SAT NAM
>
Love you too! :0)
jase
SAT NAM
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