To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/09/18 04:58
Subject: [K-list] Kundalini and mental health
From: siska
On 2001/09/18 04:58, siska posted thus to the K-list:
Hi Hillary - I was going to answer your last message, but events took
over..... was also wondering whether to answer you privately, but maybe
there are others on this list who've experienced mental illness as part of
k-awakening, so here goes with a bit more info.....
I won't go into long drawn out detail, but in a nutshell my path has
appeared to be a gradual process of ego death and reconstruction of the most
painful and severe kind. I've had 6 major depressions from age 16 to 36
(I'm just recovering from No6) - each longer and worse than the one before.
There's always a trigger before each depression - usually a crisis of some
kind around issues of loss (actual or perceived), fear of failure etc -
either conscious or erupting from the unconscious. The fear/pain
overwhelms me to the point that I crash into depression so severe I'm unable
to function.
As I said, each has been longer and worse than the one before - but the
corresponding recovery has resulted in expansion of consciousness, birth of
new realisations, potentials, deep inner happiness in direct proportion to
the suffering. It's almost like I take a quantum leap in growth/evolution
through these experiences - and the price I pay for that leap is a time of
immense suffering to the point where I'm pushed to the very verge of taking
my life.
Depression is hard to describe to those who haven't suffered it. It's a
misnomer for a start. Yes at one end of the scale it can be feeling blue,
crying etc. - but at the other end (my end!), it's in effect the complete
shut down of the mind, feelings, spirit, thought processes, movement and
speech functions. In effect - complete and utter inner annhialtion and
death. It feels like being buried alive deep underground for months on end.
The pain is indescribable.
It's almost as if this has to happen for a major reconstruction within the
psyche to take place. It really is as if old life and ways of being,
thinking, behaving are literally being depressed (squeezed) out of my brain
in the initial stages. Then there is the bottoming out period when I am
dead to the world, then recovery when I slowly over the course of
weeks/months, come back to life - only to find it's not my old way of being,
but a new which gradually reveals itself. During this time, there's loads
of k-activity in the form of electricity and seeing amazing patterns etc. in
my head. Also machines break down, there's loads of synchronicity - it's as
if my entire electro magnetic field (whatever you call it!) is being
rewired. All in all a very buzzy happy time.
And so once over, I carry on life on the new level, which always seems to be
a time to explore the new potentials which have been born. Until it's time
for another bout of growth and the whole cycle repeats. It's like each
depression prepares me to the the severity of the next. There is an
incredible sense of being guided and protected throughout these times -
often via dreams with voices, synchronicity, the odd vision etc. Also my
physical circumstances at the time seem to be pre-planned to afford me the
maximum protection and comfort.
Of course the psychs see it differently. As far as they are concerned, my
diagnosis is 'Major Recurrent Depression: Severe', and the moment I start
recovering and talking about feeling happy/buzzy etc. you can see them start
twitching and muttering about bi-polar. When I get ill, I lose all ability
to speak for/defend my views, so my parents and the system take over.
During this episode, I took a total of 13 different meds/anti depressants,
all at max dosage, including lithium which I reacted to so severely I was
taken to Casualty (ER). Thankfully my psych, despite my pleadings, would
not prescribe ECT - which for many people can result in severe memory loss
etc, and here in UK can be proscribed against the will of the patient. I've
been hospitalised once, but was put in a lock up ward full of psychotic men,
so discharged myself (the mental health system in UK is severely
underfunded). Were it not for my parents opting to look after me, I would
have been inside for at least 6 months this time round.
As far as I'm concerned, the meds don't work. For me I just have to
surrender to the process, which has over time proved to have consistent
features in terms of start, middle, end. I am 100% convinced severe
episodic depression in my case (and probably in the case of many others), is
part of a long term healing/growth process, but trying telling that to a
psych.
I'd love to hear about your experiences Hillary, and those of any others out
there. I feel very strongly about the spiritual aspects of mental health.
There are I'm sure many people out there in hospitals suffering various
'mental illnesses' who are in fact in spiritual crisis/emergence - and who
don't have a bloody clue what's going on. Neither do those who presume to
fit individuals neatly into their clinical rational classifications, without
any consideration for their experience and beliefs. It makes me angry.
It's wrong, it's doing a hell of a lot of harm, and it's got to change. I'd
like to try getting people together on this one, and getting information out
there where it's needed. Then people can take it or leave it. But they
have the right to know at least. Looks like I'm turning into a spiritual
activist - can there be such a thing?! Is it a contradiction in terms?
Maybe it's a profound paradox. Maybe I should clear out my anger first.
Maybe not. After all, Jesus got pretty pissed of with the tradesmen in the
temple.....
I said I would give details of mental health info relating to Kundalini.
Rather than outline individual things, here are some very good resource
lists (websites, books, articles etc. on all matters Kundalini, including
health)
http://www.list-server.net/kundalini/links01.html
http://www.list-server.net/kundalini/cybrary.html
http://members.aol.com/ckress/books.html
http://members.aol.com/ckress/resource.html
Cheers
siska.
PS I have only ever read one book that describes exactly what I go through.
It's called 'The Dark Night of the Soul' by St John of the Cross. He likens
the process to wood being gradually burnt away (as a process of ego
purification) - and the hardest, longest and final part of the burning, is
the heart at the centre. It can only be done gradually, with periods of up
to years inbetween. No-one could survive it all in one go.
----- Original Message -----
From: <druoutATnospamaol.com>
To: <kateATnospamfushi.fslife.co.uk>; <K-list >
Sent: Monday, September 17, 2001 5:14 PM
Subject: Re: [K-list] K and Prana/was Who am I? Looking for advice...
>
In a message dated 9/17/2001 9:01:38 AM Pacific Daylight Time,
> kateATnospamfushi.fslife.co.uk writes:
>
> > Personally for years I got the energy rush up the spine business,
> > accompanied by hallucinations, but now I experience this energy in my
head
> > alone. Also very intense synchronicity, and six major depressions
> totalling
> > four years. Given a choice, I'd have gone for a twisty spine over
lying
> > comatose, unable to speak/highly suicidal for months on end, anyday....
>
> Dear Kate,
>
> How did you manage to pull yourself out of this? Was it gradual?
> Spontaneous? Help via medication? Mental discipline? Inquiry? Surrender?
>
> Becoming incapacitated is, of course, a fear that often comes with K
> awakening. It's rare, but it does occur. As one who has been through it,
> I'd be curious as how you dealt with it.
>
> Love, Hillary
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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