To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/09/15 04:41
Subject: [K-list] Reflections - on the Anatomy of a Terrorist
From: Christopher Wynter
On 2001/09/15 04:41, Christopher Wynter posted thus to the K-list:
The responses of many on this list and others where I am posting this
series - and some of the sensitive questions some people have asked -
has caused me to look very closely at the term Terrorist, what it
means and how the reflection appears in my life. Warning:
Some people could find some of what follows may invoke
some very uncomfortable memories from within.
It did for me when I looked deeply into my own mirror
and, for a period, I followed my own advice
(in part 1 of this series) to resolve my own inner conflicts.
Very few of you know me. I am a faceless person who presents words on
the screen of your computer - but, to most of you, I have no
identity.
I am a 56 year old male who lives in Tasmania who has taken a long
hard look at his own life in the light of his own experiences of it
. and through sharing the experiences of many others during the time
I have worked as a Transpersonal Therapist. Have you ever faced a situation where the whole of your life has
collapsed around you. You have no one you can relate to, no roots,
no parents - no identity and nothing has meaning.
I have, on several occasions. I have faced death, too, on a number of
occasions - and 3 times I have been pronounced clinically dead.
When nothing matters any more, it is very easy to stand on an
overhead railway bridge and contemplate jumping in front of a
speeding express train. I got dragged back from that one by a
prostitute who, for the first time in my life, non judgementally
allowed me to cry like there was no tomorrow.
When nothing matters any more, there are infinite possibilities.14 years ago, I faced another choice between having a look at who I
thought I was (or was not) and joining many others as a homeless
drunk in the back streets of Sydney. Interestingly, as I was later to
find out, 90% of the so called derelicts of society were formerly
successful professional people - many very highly educated.
Their world had collapsed also. Like me, there was no one to turn to.
Sure, there were plenty with advice on how I should live my life -
plenty who wanted to tell me all about this marvelous "God".
Talk, talk, talk .. all they ever did was talk.
Oh how they professed their love for me. But .. not one of them ever bothered to hear what I had to say.
Sure, they listened to what they thought I was saying ..
and then jumped in with their prescribed parroting
without waiting for me to complete my heart felt expression.
Repressed pain and personal suffering can turn a victim into a martyr
in the profession of an ideal of self-less service.
One learns to hide one's true feelings in the face of such self
righteousness. One learns to be cunning in order to survive.
It would have been very easy to get hooked on the idealised vision of
any fanatic who gave me a sense of identity and purpose to my self. The liver that has sufficient toxins in it can convert adrenaline
into an overpowering strength to overcome all sensibilities -
especially in a situation where nothing mattered any more.
Those who have experienced a kidney stone attack understand the
meaning of pain. I silently experienced my second in an aeroplane
flying through turbulence of a thunderstorm between Bombay and London
- but past experience allowed me to deal with it. The stewardess, on
the other hand, had difficulty with me practicing yoga postures in
the economy class aisle - and the surgeons at a London Hospital
couldn't understand how I could walk into Emergency. This is the power of the mind to control the pain of the body -
the silent suffering of the conscious denial and forgetting
of a deep inner pain. As I look back on some past situations,
I can see that I would have had no conscience against taking a gun
and laying siege before I took my own life.
The unconscious unwitting, repressed by usurped power and authority,
knows no concept of good nor evil. This is the breeding ground for
fanaticism.
The act that some call revenge becomes very real as a possible
reaction. Trauma can be a catalyst which turns deep seated grief and
resentment into unreasonable and unreasoned anger.
Cunning is a learned survival behaviour against oppression. It is a
conditioned response of a body to cope with a deep inner pain.
For me, it all started when authority, in the form of a religion,
supported by the Government, took me away from my mother and father.
Then another authority kept my infant body bound tightly in starched
sheets until I died.
But I wasn't allowed to die - they pumped me full of the blood of
someone else to give me life. Another unknown mother and father.
What was the life of the person who donated the blood?
What adult emotions were pumped into my infant male body?
They allowed my twin sister to die.The study of my self and all of the personalities that motivate this
body has been the fruit of my choosing to study Transpersonal
Psychology and Psychotherapy. Many of my friends and clients have
provided me with the greatest gift of all as they came into my life
as reflections of those hidden parts of my own personalities -
those parts of me that I kept hidden -
even from my self..One of those teachers was the first man that I ever respected -
because he took the time to hear me,
he allowed me to hear him - and myself.
He also showed me I had a centre in the eye of the hurricane.
Through going inwards, I was able to start reconnecting the
fragments. I was able to allow a remembering of events that I had
buried deeply from myself and others because I had been taught to act
secretively by my adoptive parents - hiding the truth of what I was
really doing (and feeling) to avoid being beaten.
They were just another authority figure usurping their power by
exercising their own anger and resentment in the face of a mirror of
their own childhood victim. When I was 7, they gave my baby sister
away because she was "too much trouble".
Of course, I was too young to understand that then. So they thought.
But I have remembered.
I have reconnected a lot of the fragments of the seeming chaos
of the time. Once the inner conflicts found resolution,
there was no need for forgiveness.
There was nothing to forgive.
What those people from the past had done was provide me with the
start and the impetus to gain an understanding .. with the
understanding, the conflicts dissolved and no one needed to forgive
anyone. To them I am grateful.
But, most of all, I am grateful to the seed of life itself which
I found within my self. From that came the deepest understanding.
For me, at many times in my life, it could have gone either way.
It's a very fine line between terrorist and therapist.
No God had anything to do with it -
I have learned to trust in myself and my knowing
so that I am no longer an alien or foreigner in my own body.
I am that I am ..
and how others view me no longer matters
because, having been where they are,
I can look through their eyes
with compassion.
And yes, I have pulled the mangled bodies of victims from the
wreckage of both motor vehicle accidents and natural disasters -
then gone back as a counselor to the survivors and relatives.
-- Christopher Wynter
christopherATnospamlifestreams.com.au
http://www.anunda.com
The material presented in this post is also archived for reference
on the open archive http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lifestreams
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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