To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/09/13 21:32
Subject: [K-list] Anger
From: Xerxenca
On 2001/09/13 21:32, Xerxenca posted thus to the K-list:
I’m dealing with “negative†emotions right now. I'm seeing anger today -
internally and externally - it's time to look at it with somespace around it
. . . I'm troubled by the anti-Arab backlash. I went to a yoga center today
to do a group meditation. They posted the wrong time on the door (hadn't
taken the posters down from the day before) so they were finishing just as I
arrived and were just talking. They invited me to share my thoughts - and I
told them I had been thinking about anger today - watching how it's
manifested in productive and destructive ways in myself; listening to people
on the streets and how it bleeds from those who "did it" to the bus
schedules; the concentrated rage that's behind the action; the vengeance in
our response. I didn't get through my whole list when others were chiming in
about anger at our defense people for them not protecting us - this surprised
me, it hadn't even occurred to me that we could be “protected†against
something like this. Another said it was up to the mosques to educate their
congregations that the Koran does not advocate suicide bombing. And then the
meditation leader mentioned people having been dancing in the streets in
Queens and how they didn't deserve to walk on American soil. I was horrified.
I actually thought I was going to throw up. I pointed out that many, many
people hate the American government – and that some of them are bred right
here and are training in paramilitary operations - Timothy McVeigh was a
Roman Catholic Boy Scout. Reactionary scapegoating - and projecting is really
troubling me right now.
The enormity of projecting is finally starting to sink infor me. Projecting
both "negative and positive" attributes. Because I had gone into meditate, I
had gone in wide-open, with my “defenses†completely down, and I had been
naively projecting comfort and wisdom, almost unconditionally, on others whom
I perceived as leaders. Even though this was not their apparent state (to
me). Now I 've been trying to pull my own values back in to me. I realize
there's a part of me that feels unworthy of my own wisdom. Now there's
something to blast through, eh?
When I came back home moments later, this was in my computer,on beliefnet:
"We struggle with aspects of our religions that cause some to think it's okay
to kill others in the name of God. People with bloodlust come in every
religion and no religion. To expect someone of one religion to apologize for
the wackos who take their holy texts out of context, well, maybe we all need
to do it then. Christians- apologize for KKK and the Aryan Nation.
Jews-Apologize forthe violent acts in Palestine, etc. Muslims-Apologize for
Tuesday's attack, Atheists-apologize for the Russian Revolution. Serial
Killers say the devil made them do it, or God did. We are all responsible, or
none of us are. Take your choice."
I was glad to see my points echoed because I was feeling some isolation.
Then I started cooking and called my Mom. Until Tuesday, communications have
been clipped for the last couple of months. Some of that was because of our
reactions to each other’s anger. Maybe I’ll leave off recounting all of that
story, but it did cause me to have a Eureka moment a couple of months ago
when I realized the tongue-lashing I received from her was not something I
had to take nor internalize in any way. Actually my mother has a really
fabulous way of expressing her id – it was traumatizing but often very
amusing. I told her the meditation room story and then I heard myself really
getting angry “these fucking arrogant Americans who gloat about their
ignorance of the rest of the world, who refuse to see that their insulated
security is on the backs of so many other’s suffering . . .†OK, well you
get the idea – I vented my spleen. It was safe to do so. It was my Mom.
My anger is there – my reasoning may be way off, but I must confess to
feeling a lot of anger. And the thing is that I know that I’m talking about
myself. I’m angry at ignorance and apathy, inside and outside of me. And I'm
finding love for myself anyways – because of it, in spite of it.
I want to liberate this energy inside of me, seeking expression – I want to
be more real and present in my life. I want to exist in the “real†world. I
want to wake up into my life and be able to move my arms and legs . . .
Wake me up!
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