To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/08/26 06:25
Subject: [K-list] Re: Concepts of God(dess)
From: Panthur212
On 2001/08/26 06:25, Panthur212 posted thus to the K-list:
Hey there, Autumn~ :0)
Beautiful name..... leaves bursting, red, and burgeoning golden
tones falling softly through the air- -quiet breeze scented of
rain....
..and fall....dizzy spinning laughing slowly- -floating... autumn..
be at peace.
>
> An interesting week this has been. Important and shattering
discoveries.
> Having had a religous up-bringing and a belief in a rightous God to
then
> shifting my beliefs to a more universal God of Light and Love and
now to
> finally realizing that in my heart I do not belief in a
conceptualized
> God/dess at all. This has taken me some time to acknowledge, what
I have
> buried for so long, as I now have no other in my heart to pray to
or ask for
> guidance from. There is no other...
Was recently up in Arizona. . .*thinks on how to word it*
mmmmm.. was up in Arizona with my cousin. :0) I always love it
when this happens, too, because she's this wonderful person, and
she's got a spiritual side to boot. While a devoutly biblical
christian- -she's always interested in discussion of things with me ,
and that makes me smile.
It's fun, really- - but after a while I notice that I have
nothing to say to her questions. I mean I want to... But I can't
Tell her, in a way that means anything- -Why I'm not afraid.
Why I don't feel like I need Christianity.
Why I stay noncommital to her questions of absolute Truth and
such....
She speaks of the infalliability of the Bible- -she speaks of a
Just anad Rightious God- -of the Ultimate Truth . . etc. . .etc..
And she asks how it is that I don't believe in that. "If God gave us
the Bible as His Word- -
(I nod my head and smile. I think the Bible was perhaps divinely
inspired, and it is a beautiful book. There are places where things
ring with truth....)
"...Don't you think that He would have made it perfect??? Don't you
beleive that God has the power to give the humans who wrote it Grace
enough to serve as perfect and uninterrupted channels?"
I say sure. But the thing is that *I* believe there are many many
ways to interpret that Bible, in each of its myriad passages. She
says there are right ways and wrong ways.
I believe that there are as many ways to God as there are people on
this planet...
She believes that Christianity is the only Complete Path.
I can't explain to her my feelings. I can't tell her WHY I don't
need it. Why I'm unafraid and bursting with love...
She says she thinks that I may know something of God- - but if I
followed Christianity I might know More of him. God Is hurting
because Im not taking the initiative to Know him through His way (the
Bible/Christianity). She believes that there is a point where God
gives up on people... and she has to believe that- -because she
believes that the Bible is infalliable.
I shake my head quietly, and bite my lip- -searching for words. When
none come, I smile, and try to- - try to reassure her?? Try to let
her know??
She thinks I'm immensely brave, to go off into a world like that not
Truely Knowing anything. (When we argue theology, I always state my
nonattatchment to my own ideas and the ideas of others... I always
remain noncommital to her Absolute Truth.)
Our settlement was when I said: "God Is Truth. That is my absolute
truth..... Gods Love is my absolute truth.... it's all I need."
She shakes her head enthusiastically, smiling. She quotes
Corrinthians to me- :
"...and the greatest of these is Love..."
I want to Cry. It's so beautiful, that passage... and yet there is
so much dissonance in a bible that holds such prose....
*Shrug*.. :0) I've recently slipped into a place, though I've
kicked and fought with it a while, where no God existed- - it was
simply There. It didn't have a personailty, or a Being, because *I*
was a facet of that personality.. I WAS that being... or of it- -???
The Air was Air. It was Divine... It was beauty - -.... I was ME.
I was Beauty- -
But this Terrified me. It still makes me uneasy.... and yet??
My beliefs are slowly dissolving- -and my clutching fingers are
starting to loosen...
I had No one to ask for Guidance. I was completely alone... I
couldn't ask for help, or healing, or synchronous miracles anymore
because there was no "GOD" to ask....
I'm typing in a state of- - calm... Utter calm right now.
Like, "whatever comes out of this will be perfect".... I don't
understand- - I don't know what Im Supposed to understand or not... I
don't understand a damned thing right now- -:0)
but I'm trying to let go so that I might....
I look to the sky and ask: Where is my Goddess???? It's rather
frightening. Part of me Needs that Personal Interaction with the
Divine that is there to help and give me love, directly- - whatnot - -
But i KNOW in my heart that this is an illusion.. So who the hells am
I asking???
I am asking this formless, awesome, infathomable State of Being, for
help- -and offering it an illusion to jump into with which to guide
me.
It scares me. I don't udnerstand - -I don't want to, and at the same
time, I've Got to.
I know I can let go of the need to comprehend- -but I"m curious. I
want to know where I go from here... but I can't Ask Goddess for
Guidance, because my "Goddess" concept is not in existance unless I
force it- -and I can't Force GOddess. That's just stupid. ;0)
> The words that were resounding in my head the other night, was "I
believe in
> me"....
Right now I"m wondering how on earth i can trust myself. I used to
think that Goddess was guiding me and protecting me and soothing- -it
was bliss. Vibrant, ecstatic bliss, the times when I Knew that....
now?? It's a different bliss- -but it's almost like teh Spirituality
of it is gone, or drained. You know?? Like before it was Fire, and
now it's- -
. . . . . . *listens to the wind move between trees, and smiles,
softly... thanking something that he doesn't come close to
understanding... thanking something which his heart knows...*
> How freeing to let go of that white robe as someone on this list
once said.
> And yet hard because I felt alone, for no all-powerful other to
comfort me.
That's it exactly.
Where from here?" I ask myself.... MySelf is silent, because I am
Deaf with no Goddess to guide me........
and yet.. . .?? something shimmers. quietly.
> Interestingly, I have had some old fears resurface as an individual
was
> posing as a possible threat to my physical well-being, although I
do not
> instinctively feel that, that person is a real threat, just enough
to shake
> up my beliefs of God, Guidance and safety on this earth-walk.
> I wonder if my thoughts and 'non-belief' are passing moments or
whether
> this is the moment before the dawn... where all beliefs are thrown
into the
> fire...
>
"I wonder as I wander. . ."
> I still belief in a higher force but in a different way, the veils
of
> separation are surely disappering, the concepts fast disappearing.
*smiles* Where is this taking me?? us??. . .Do you have a clue?? I
certainly don't. I suppose I dont need one, either- - I know what
I'm doing, now. i'm trying to Recapture that exhuberant, radiant joy
that some of my concepts brought me.
People
> talk of the feelings of oneness with all things and seeing God
everywhere.
> I have not experienced this, but as recently suggested, there are
infinite
> ways of awakening.
I'm smiling. Maybe when I let go. . .I"ll be able to move
on.....Maybe when I find out how to let go. .?? *laughs, softly*
>
>
> Just some quiet thoughts,
>
>
Quiet thoughts often touch me most deeply. . .*smile* Thankyou,
Autumn. . . I really appreciate you. .*smiles*
*hug*
Autumn
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