To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/07/20 19:37
Subject: Movin' Along. . .
From: Jason G
On 2001/07/20 19:37, Jason G posted thus to the K-list:
Hello´ing the list, and all the beautiful people on it.
:0) I´m back. Safe and sound in Alabama- - and though many of you have no idea where that´s coming from, well: I´m in the middle of a move… My sixth, actually, in 17 years of living. What a trip. (Adventure!, yay :0) ) We´ve traveled comfortably from Virginia to Alabama in 3 days, and we don´t even have a house just yet.
So much for Military perks. *laugh *
Currently I am in an apartment, and just now starting to reacquaint myself with all the ‘taken for granted things´ of semi-settled living. Vegetables, for instance- - (read: REAL FOOD) Vs. the everyday occurrence of McDonald´s , Wendy´s and Taco Bell out on the road, and gods, did someone say Dairy Queen??
Hearing Paul´s call for blessings and grinning widely. You Go!, Paul!! Blessings sending your way, and I hope that you do Great in your lecture and all that follows.
Today - -this week, in fact, I am struggling a bit with my God(dess) concept. .*laughs* A small crisis of faith , if you will, that makes Surrender quite difficult- -or has, until I started bouncing things off of a very wise Pagan friend of mine who made me smile and relax and take a breather. . . .
Recently, it seems that I got all wrapped up in the concept of a God(dess) figure who thought and helped and taught and existed like I did (only wiser *snort *) ;0)- - -and then, when I started trying Mystress´ entity clearing to search for Her voice within myself- -I began to wonder on the WHY and how of it all, and think of proof, and of what Surrender actually accomplished within myself, and all that interesting stuff… The Divine was within all things, made up all things, and all things were divine- - Intellectually, I knew this. But how did it operate in the context of Surrender? Why did it do that? DID it really do anything at all?? Or was I just messing around with myself? (;0) I´m doing that anyway, *laugh * I´m sure- -but I hope you understand what I mean.)
I knew that calling the Divine God or Goddess or ‘The grand phoobah of illusia´ wouldn´t make a bit of difference, because labels were not necessary save for Our own sakes….. ‘What´s in a name?´ But something still barbed me.
Seeing as surrender is based on faith- -and I was certainly questioning that- - I was rather negating it all, even as I was breaking a sweat trying to work Through the block on my own (for why should any God or Goddess help me there?! And what was Goddess anyways?? Why did it sometimes seem to work, and sometimes not?? Why did I keep fooling myself into things that didn´t show results??).
It all just kinda popped up, suddenly, as the result of questions that I´ve been asking all along; but I Wanted to continue surrendering- - I just couldn´t mentally work my way past all of this….. It stopped making sense, and I boxed myself in.
Faith is trouble to one who enjoys the workings of repeatable phenomena (such as energy work . .;0) ) that prove themselves without the need for such an amount of Faith. I´ve always been wary of blind faith, even though I´m usualy eager to Try it out, because of my wish to find a truth that really Does work and resonate against me- -even if I am skeptical of it to begin with. One that opens me up and shines brighter than the sun within me- -beyond skeptisism and doubt. . . One that I´ve had to work for to obtain. The truth that is being totally honest with oneself and working through the problems and illusions and such that would arise.
Thing is, you can´t Try with faith. . .. you just have to Do… If you try to walk on hot coals, you´ll likely burn yer feet!!- - but if you DO it, as moved within yourself by the part of you that Knows Fire can´t burn Fire- - then you may just surprise yourself after all!
So nothing was making sense until I went to a friend of mine, and we started talking.
My friend compared the God(dess) to ‘Life´. " Jason," he began. " I don´t think that the Gods, under whatever name, exist per se as we do.. To me, They ARE existence. The Gods *are * life, Are love- -Are us."
Etc. etc. :0)
And that´s what started the boulder rolling. It seems that I was trying too hard to let go of everything that troubled me (irresponsible?) and be filled by some humanized Goddess figure that somehow existed Within me and outside of me (All that IS and all that Is Not)- - -all at once. I forgot that none of this stuff happens over night. .*laughs* Futiley –trying- to gain what knowledge and insights and wisdoms that I could, in order to Shine and stand up and stand tall and strong for those around me….because a part of me Knew that Goddess would/could work in such a way…if only I could open, and let Her fill me and shine through me- -and surrender ‘the right way´. If I could accomplish this, then I would be lifted and used to work under the concept of ‘Thy will, not my will- -‘. . etc. A dream in my heart shows me as such- - healer and helper, shakti-wired and Remembering the wonders of existence for those who had forgotten. I wanted to walk surely; Blessed and blessing……… it burns inside of me, this flame that wishes to Light within and spread to all around…- -and sometimes I get so wrapped up in the feel of it that I want to Rush right in and just let it handle things…
I forget that it´s already working. I forget often.
And I was forgetting just to Be.
I kept trying to let it all go, Knowing that it doesn´t have to be any more difficult than I want it to be, but frustrated because I don´t know how to Get there. I didn´t know how to find the beautiful ease of surrender that seems to just Glimmer around people like Cat and Mystress and some of you others.
I forgot that my heart would lead me in it´s time. I also forgot an analogy I once heard * wink*, of Faith as a muscle that needs to be worked. ;0)
By the end of the conversation, I began to realize that the practice of Surrender was to surrender to the part of ourselves that Knew instead of knew. Give up the reigns to my own Divinity. . . . To myself….. NOT to simply remove what I had termed blocks in the hopes of somehow becoming an ‘insta-vessel´ of the God(dess). Being "enlightened" enough to help others…. And all along, using my own projection to analyze myself, it looks like I´m obviously the one that needs the help and the remembrance and the work. .*laughs* How laughable this all is, now…….
Conclusion?? Stop trying so hard, and just let things go. The letting go is the surrender, and your heart will guide me on my way, as long as I stay relaxed and open enough to listen… Just let things unfold….and perhaps my faith will unfold again With it all.
… More words dance on the tip of my tongue, but I think that just now, I would very much like to be silent, and hear what any or all of you have to say about this. . .:0) Advice, criticisms, help and hope and trail-songs from those who have already walked here?? It feels well trodden, this road, and yet uniquely my own…. :0)
I feel that I´m starting a circle at the same time I´m standing in one- - a point in a ring with no beginning and no end. .*laughs* Eventually I´ll realize that I don´t have to be confined to my one little point, and can loop my way around and Be the circle. .
Laughter,
Aspiring- -to what?? To love. . .
Aspiring to so so so many dreams that scorch my soul and wish for a Miracle of rememberance.... I 'remember' so many things, but can't access them- - can't draw them forth into the light. . .and the light is biding it's own time. .*smiles* I'll have to put up with that. *Lol* :0) I'm Crazy. . I'm also silly. . . and I really thank you all for putting up with my Trying to be honest with myself, among other things. . *sighs*
Eghahds, the Poetry really wants to spill out…. ;0) I wish I could TALK to you people, sometimes….
Thankyou, all,
Jason
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