To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/06/07 15:55
Subject: [K-list] hard to get out of this...
From: www.siiya.net / prod. musique & multimedia web
On 2001/06/07 15:55, www.siiya.net / prod. musique & multimedia web posted thus to the K-list:
When I was young I used to scare people just by expressing my thoughts
and ideas. I was at this time already way behond most of the
people in terms of "soul experience" or awakening, but this is not a
"plus" I think on the "social surviving kit". And I felt just
different, not
better, and most of the time worst because of the exclusion of groups or
the "being pointed out" without any explanations, or worst, with
false explanations... There are laws and rules to be a part of the
system or to be recognized in the society, and because I naturally
protect and keep my integrity without compromises, there are
consequences that are VERY VERY strong and effective.
This is now that I know, the natural process nature has invented to
forge the souls...
These are energies I had to fight to survive as I am. I wanted strongly
to survive. I had to become a fighter.
No problem loosing my ego, but don't wanna loose my soul.
Lot of people together, getting warm by close contact, protecting their
scared soul by being a mass, by expressing their differences and their
similarities into their inner emptiness, thinking they are right because
when they ask someone, they always get a response from the reflect of
themselves.
Felt a lot of pressure from them, bad vibes, but I supposed I needed to
be loved to grow, there was no love or illusion of love anywhere else.
I thought that trying to be like them would resolve my problem... First
kundalini shut down, lost my soul and plunged quickly into heavy
drugs.
Big mistake, explained in my natal chart by a Neptune in opposition with
my ascendant; this is a big difficulty seing my self relating with
others in the reality or in the true facts; got lost in this social
acceptance thing, so lost... Had very bad experiences of people I
thought were
like me, cause I thought I was like them!!! but theese people had no
interest in life other than searching for confort and good conscience,
using everything and everyone to get to feel good and legitimated inside
their twisted minds.
These are the people prescribing drugs to the mentally ill, these are
the people trying to get their confort by taking care of "fucked
up"people
who are just the symptoms of their own inhumanity, giving them drugs
that reduce them to robots. These are the people saying that they
want the best, but not saying that you must pay them under the table to
BE the best. These are the people for who the worst thing in the
history of humanity are the nazis, but that never try to understand what
is a nazi, because they would find their own faces reflected in the
mirror. These are the people that say that schizophrenia is a
chemical-disorder-brain sickness, because they don't wanna know that
when
you feed a child with such crap, lies, chaos and confusion, it is likely
to kill their minds far more than sex before mariage. Corrupted
world... corrupted minds... It his the only thing I very
underestimated when I was young... I did'nt see it coming... Big
mistake...
Even in so-called "spiritual" groups there is that kind of bullshit. I
did alcoholic anonymous for 8 years, and the program worked well. It is
far more open-minded than most of any spiritual groups I've never seen,
cause there has been a lot of suffering. I never need to get "high"
now, on anything, and I don't like being on the effect or intoxicated by
anything. But it is a group of people getting together to be in a kind
of uterus, to be protected and get some confort, and the law of the
group applies... You have tabous there, you have the freedom of
whatever
you want to but you must act like the others or you'll get ostracised
It's a "think it well" thing for someone that badly needs support to
survive... and like in many other groups, the worst among them think
they have been personnally choosen by god... So tired of this
bull-shit.
I had a choice to do. And before a constatation to make. I am alone,
and to the degree I am developped, there is too much "unusual stuff" in
me so whenever I express myself, verbally or not, I'm almost never
trully sympathetic to anyone. I can sense the fear that shut down the
"get
close" pulsion. Worst than that, any human creature is by essence
different from another, more and more has it evolves. Maybe I would
sense the same fear if I was to encounter someone like me.
So I choosed to live, because I love life and I love what the earth has
to offer to me. Like a tiger or a grizzly bear in nature, I live now in
a
kind of intelligent harmony with the environment that made me as I am,
looking for subsistance, for a mate, for personal growth, but in a
spirit of "choosen loneliness and independance", and for my PROTECTION,
MY OWN SYSTEM OF ATTACK AND DEFENSE that
don't involve mass phenomena tricks that other human have always used.
(for victim-people so promptly to react irrationnaly to theese words,
who would think I'm a kind of sicko, I mention attack and defense
against energies, I dont kill people... When I was attacked and taken
has an hostage in my appartment two years ago during two hours by a
jamaïcan guy on crack that wanted or money and or passports, who beated
us and simulated executions with is 9 mm gun, I was no hero;
there was nothing to do but to feel my total impossibility to interfere
without being killed)
So to conclude my story, these animals that live in flocks are no longer
the same species than me, or I should say I don't want now to ever be
a part of them. Don't want trouble with them cause I have to deal with
them. I try to see them as creatures of god, like the birds that I like
so
much, but I don't want to live the life of a bird...
And I have a lot of work to do cleaning the layers of dirt I got during
the years I tried to be like them. I have something to discover, in me,
not in them.
That's with that thing that I will die, probably in peace.
ok, I have to work now.
Bye!
Benoit
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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