To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/05/19 10:19
Subject: [K-list] The Humility of Self Consumption
From: J. Robbins
On 2001/05/19 10:19, J. Robbins posted thus to the K-list:
To One And All,
Would that I could be, honest to the core of my being. To describe
to you who reads this essay, what its like to be the not-you which is
me. I am not thee. We mirror each other out of synch, so we cannot be
the one and the same. Even while yet we may be, separate parts of one
same whole. Opposite each other, in an exchange of wavering
sensations, we co-vibrate in a sequence of nows. Each like a
membrane of exquisite and fine thinness, we move in a dance of
consequence. In the embrace of coincidence we are caressed by
Divine Intent. We are making love, for in each instant of time we are
seeking to enhance each others pleasure, we are seeking to lighten
the intensity of each others pain.
I gather jewels as I journey down what very well may be, a last
path of doom. I am lost in a world made of Tarot Card Images. I am a
fool adrift in a little canoe, riding a wave of chance. Divine or of
the devil, my miracles are constant and forthcoming. I am in the
grips of the power from beyond. I realize with breathless
anticipation that I am witnessing a quality of Magic, A miracle of a
story is the very life I am living. There is an inexplicable
connection between the intent in my mind and the events around me.
Things happen more and more frequently which demonstrate a quality of
mind over matter, this in an ever increasing display of the
impossible. Coincidental events jump off the walls of common sense,
and the walls come tumbling down.
Yet even as miracles of serendipity jump like fiery monkeys from the
edge of my fingertips, the results are never quite what I bargain
for. My intent is out of focus. I am like a novice wizard who forgets
the magic words he needs to use to make it stop. I am surrounded by
the ruins of fantasy solutions which haven't manifested like I would
have had them. Though for long whiles, I was well fooled. Yes, there
is an obvious significant connection between what I pray for and
what I get, but somehow what I get proves to be a lesson about
reality and how the world around me is not ever quite what I would
make it. So I say I am out of focus. I miss the mark, I am shooting
off target. I am missing. The word in Hebrew for sin is the same for
missing a target. CHET. I am constantly searching for my sins, not as
inherent wrongness or evil as such, but simply how what I am doing
gets in the way of my own imagining myself into a better world. While
I know many moments of peaceful bliss, honesty requires me to say
that the ache I know in the center of my void still has a relentless
hold on my heart. I ache too intensely and for too lengthy stretches
of time to say I am happy and there are things in my Life I would
change. But with all my desire to do what must be done, I fall short
of what is required and live in the knowledge of my being less than
perfect and perhaps even unfit for holy service. I am at best, a
fallen angel whose wings are broken and battered and who worse than
this, has forgotten how to fly. At best I have done gliding, and that
as you recall depends on there being a wind with some lift in its
lips. Kissed by Gods who wouldn't fly? Take Off.
But such fortune as I have known, was strictly from the House of
Mirrors, where I am taught to appreciate my own true size. An ignited
mote, a particle of hot light, a spark from the Tree of Life. No
bigger than a speck of dust. My bubble of heat is but an instant of
sight in a universe of the blind. How we are protected by our
ignorance. The borders of our mind are solid protection against the
confusion of All One. Every pattern you worshipped will be broken,
all images are false and pagan, there is no truth that defines the
Void that does not deceive you and leave you in debt. In a miracle
of something to nothing, come this close to the Chaos and you leave
with less than you arrived with, hotter than ever. The Burning Bush
is ablaze with All that's contained in space and time. It burns on
the fuel of self consuming mind. It is a Void with a suction of
Quantum Wave Functions. Reality is a sequence of story which comes
into being by the collapsing of a wave function into the measuring
device of a mind. What you see is what you got out of all that could
have been. What you were wishing for when you chose to look
influences what you see. All the things you are wishing for compete
in a game of priorities. The resulting experience at any given moment
is the sum of all the cross vectors of intent, modified by the
product of all the intents generated by all others who are willing a
change into reality. That is all there is to it. Life prefers a
colorful story which celebrates certain motifs, which go back to the
Primal Religious Experiences, in all the variety such experiences
have. Burn Baby, Burn, and worlds are born and go up in flames, with
every breath we take. Jonathan
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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