To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/05/14 00:40
Subject: Re: [K-list] fem abusers .. Xenca
From: Christopher Wynter
On 2001/05/14 00:40, Christopher Wynter posted thus to the K-list:
At 03:35 PM 14/05/01, you wrote:
>Hi Christopher,
>
>So, did I understand you right, that you felt abused by your mother?
Yes .. Violence, Sexual Abuse and Torture were the physical
manifestations of her dysfunction as she expressed it towards me ..
then there were other aspects of emotional blackmail and control.
I still have some faint physical scars on my body, although most have
healed since I started doing this work.
Mum was very good with a rolling pin or wooden spoon when she got
fired up .. and I have two hairline cricks in the skull and a shattered
verterbrae in the sacrum as witness to the physical side.
There are still several burn scars which have not fully healed.
The mental scarring could not be measured, but there was a
lot of work done there also .. to clear my thought/reaction process.
I physically died when I was about 2yrs and 7 yrs ..
>And that you had made peace with her and were able to be with them
>?) when they died?
Yes .. Mother died of Alzheimers .. about 10 years after a heart attack
took Father out .. and yes, I was able to nurse both of them in their dying
and give them permission to leave when they chose .. with minimum
suffering.
Both knew I harboured no issues of any kind with either of them ..
they were both conscious and lucid at death.
>That is indeed a blessing. . .
I don't see it that way .. I see it as the result of a lot of damned hard work
on my part in developing an understanding of what made my mother the
person she was .. and being able to make that understanding real
enough in my body so that the memories were resolved and the
trauma released .. only that way could I be with them in the essence of
compassion.
>And also that you think women molesting boys is more common than
> the stats might reveal?
There is no requirement in Australia for reporting .. and even though there
are some who might label me as a therapist, I describe the work I do
as mentoring .. this way I am able to work with people to resolve issues
without having to report my own statistics.
I do encourage people to report themselves .. but, I leave it up to the
decision of the individual. I find in this manner of working that I am able
to develop a more trusting relationship with the individual .. and resolution
is often a bit easier when there is no fear of having to stand up in court
etc etc ...
However, this being said, there are cases which, because of legal
implications, I refuse to work with.
Indications are that less than 10% of cases of abuse of male
children are ever reported ..
>I do believe all such incidences (men/women/boys/girls) are
>underreported - all the way around.
yes ..
>As for "lies, damn lies and statistics" -
>well, certainly - sure. Much of my work involves statistics -
>and numbers can certainly be manipulated. But I don't think there's
>some great conspiracy going on here.
I agree that it is not a conspiracy ..
I do feel that the fault lies within a system which will not allow someone
to get help .. unconditionally.
By this I mean ..
being able to be counseled without having to get someone charged.
>Mainly numbers represent categories of things we define - and
>our definitions can be as imprecise as our language and our
>consciousness. And I think culturally it's harder for us to put words
>or definitions on male victimization as males are expected to be
>aggressive. . .
and also, it is not the done thing for a male to admit
that he was abused by his mother ..
or in the case of one Psychologist for whom I was a mentor ..
that his mother took him as her sexual partner from the age
of 8 to 12 years after his father died ..
then threw him out of the house when she found a new partner ..
(and, btw, mother was worth a lot of money .. a very rich woman ..)
>And did I understand that you would like the discussion to be gender neutral
>so that you will feel more invited to share your experiences?
It doesn't matter to me, because I have no issues here any more ..
The point I was making is that, whilst there are unresolved issues
within a person .. be it male or female, then the listener will
NEVER be able to hear unconditionally what the "victim" is
reporting ..
> I certainly
>invite you to do so. Although a discussions of sexual abuse (or any aspect of
>sexuality today) without discussing gender and power is almost inconceivable
>to me.
Yes .. I understand your perspective .. what I am saying is that the discussion
needs to move beyond the male-female conflict which apportions blame
on either the male or the female ..
because, when you go deep enough,
blame is merely a denial of personal guilt
and underlying grief.
>I know my brother felt victimized by my mother, not physically, but by her
>resentment of men.
This is very common .. and if the mother doesn't want a male child,
this resentment is the start of grief .. which becomes overlaid
with anger .. which then turns to violence.
I know very many women who, all through their pregnancy held the
belief that their child was a girl .. rejected out of hand any possibility
that the child could be male .. and then when they were finally presented
with a son, they gave it a name which has more feminine than masculine
roots. ..
Having followed the upbringing of these children ...
Can you imagine what it is like for a little boy to be dressed
in girls clothes .. up until school age .. because mother couldn't
accept the child was male ..
Can you imagine the damage that this causes to a male ..?
>I have a male friend whose mother fondled him as a child.
More common than you want to know ..
>I know that she primarily dealt with people in an automatic highly-charged
>sexualized ways. I also know that she had been repeatedly raped by her
>father. And she came from a country and a time when there was little external
>resource to help resolve it. But we're clearly in a different place and time.
Yes .. but this happens now ,, as I am writing this .. in 2001 in
a supposedly enlightened society ..
I won't go in to the scientific and medical reasoning here, but it can
be shown (and has been) root of a child's behaviour .. rooted in
the patterns of the hypothalamus .. is set between the middle of
the second trimester in utero and the age of 2.
All of the damage is done by then .. it can be reversed ..
but no learning will change the imprint.
However, further repetitions will add to it ..
Then we could go into the research where geneticists
show how an activated female chromosome pair can and
does destroy the male chromosome.
For a child so affected,
its very survival is the issue.l
cw
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