To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/05/08 09:15
Subject: [K-list] channeling Zoltar
From: Michael Read
On 2001/05/08 09:15, Michael Read posted thus to the K-list:
I've been keeping my role as an interdementedial scout under wraps but
last night in my quarterly meeting with Zolton of the 5th demention
(not his real name but he has this flair for the camp), Zolton said
that it was now time for me to speak fourth. I don't speak fourth and
have no interest in that language so the rest of this xmission will be
in a language approximating English.
I had only one burning question for Zolton.
MR: Zolton, many of us here have been itching to get to the bottom of
a most sensitive issue concerning interdementedial visitations. It is
an issue that has struck most uncomfortablely at the very base of
human existance. May I, dare I, put this question to you?
Z5: Depends, on which end you are speaking with. :-)
MR: That's it exactly!
Z5: What's it?
MR: Well, rectal probing, what's up with that?!
Z5: (unrestrained laughter for about 15 minutes)
MR: No, seriously, what is all this probing for, anyway?
Z5: Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.
MR: Not a problem. Do you have an answer for us?
Z5: Gullibility.
MR: Gullibility? I am afraid that I don't understand.
Z5: It all goes way back to first contact with your species. Our
scouts, after observing you for some time, came to the conclusion that
you were probably the most gullible species ever encountered. This was
based on the incredible things you would tell each other and how quick
you believed them to be true.
When we performed some routine medical scans we were somewhat
perplexed. Your species has, for all appearances, what appears to be a
highly developed brain. However, we could detect very little activity
in this organ.
MR: Yes, we know that about ourselves already. But what does that have
to do with - you know - our rectums?
Z5: (chuckle) It really started out as a kind joke...
MR: A joke! You're shitting me! Really?!
Z5: Yes, I am shitting you - Really! Look, here's what happened. The
entity in charge of the first contact team wasn't too bright. He only
got his position through family contacts - you know - politics.
Anyway, he thought it would be really funny if your species actually
used some other organ for cognitive thinking and rationization. So he
began modifiying standard reports and adding a subsection entitled -
something like - Rectal Inteligent Factors of Species #3405798 - and
sending them to his cousin in Records just for a laugh. He actually
never did more than the standard number of rectal probes. The probes
were small and painless sample gathering to check for possible
biological hazards in your species. Nothing more.
MR: Well that doesn't sound too bad. How is it that we have all of
these reports of huge probes being used?
Z5: It was an accident.
MR: An accident! Do you have any idea of how many people were
traumatized by those probes! Shit! I fail to see what is so funny!
Z5: Yes, sorry for laughing a minute ago. But, well, it's just so
funny! Especially when you know the whole story.
You see, what happened was that a newly admitted species was assigned
some minor communications job. A member of that species who was
working a late shift sent a copy of the joke to his cousin back on his
homeworld, accidentally misrouted the transmission and a species even
more gullible than yours picked up the message.
They thought it was real. They became so fascinated with the idea that
there could actually be a species with its brain up its ass that they
felt compelled to investigate.
MR: Let me guess. They were just technically advanced enough for
interdementedial travel but not sophisticated enough to join the
commonwealth? And they were the unwitting dupes of a minor joke.
Z5: Basically.
MR: So, you're saying that the whole affair with rectal probing...
Z5: Doesn't mean shit! (more laughter)
MR: Damn! So what became of the whole affair.
Z5: Unfortunatly we were unaware of the problem for quite some time.
When we did find out what was happening we put a stop to it.
After a lengthy review of the 'data' collected by that species we did
arrive at one conclusion.
MR: What is that?
Z5: As far as rectal probing and your species is concerned - about one
out of ten doesn't really seem to mind it!
Well, at that point I broke xmission with Zoltar. His laughing can get
to be quite insufferable!
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