To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/04/29 21:42
Subject: Re: [K-list] Birthday .. Deathday
From: Sherman Buck
On 2001/04/29 21:42, Sherman Buck posted thus to the K-list:
as long as an individual continues to focus on what was done in the past,
there is no NOW. the past gets recreated ten-fold in created future. how can
a person give birth to the authentic self when it continues to hold tight to
the past wrongs. suffice it to say it is a human need to project what
soul/spirit will be like i.e. soul as no choices. this is just not true. it
is ego that chooses to believe their are no choices. by believing there are
no choices one doesnt have to take response-ability for each NOW. scarey,
yes, intimidating, yes, unknown, yes, tough, yes. to do nothing but allow
the needle to keep skipping on the record one gets to hear the same old
blurb versus the whole song. what do you wish to hear? to not do anything to
move forward except hold onto the past and blame gets no one moving forward.
it is a ruse created by ego to keep one from healing and moving onward. in
essence one allows the ego to retain full power to keep the authentic self
locked away as prisoner. prisoner of ones own mind. until one lets go, one
will continue to old patterns and beliefs, which if created can be
uncreated.
two years ago i got to hold my own newborn nephew, and my family has its own
"stuff" of which i know i chose for exactly what my soul needed to grow and
learn from. it all has helped me to open up to who i really am on a
continual basis. while holding him i was moved to hum a song that came from
within. i walked around the room with him in my arms struck by the
magnificance of him, the newness. at one point he opened his eyes and looked
at me. i was so struck by his eyes, his radiant face that my own heart
flowed towards him. in that moment of flowing love almost instantly i felt
this wave of love wash over me. it was so profound. all i can say is it felt
loving; no words, no sounds, just this wonderful feeling. in that moment i
realized that this being was not damaged, was not empty, was not anything
but spirit/soul here for its own purpose. having done my own rebirthing and
remembering my own birthing traumas i can say that even with all that i have
been through, it all had purpose, it all was profound and i wouldnt change
all the difficulties i have had to endure. they have helped me grow in ways
that are so profound. as long as i continue to let go and open up
continually i am always amazed at what i was shut off too. we are all divine
beings. so, if one chooses to not deal with challenges this life, there is
always the next ones for as long as it takes. what a profound journey where
one totally believes their own ego to keep them locked away lifetime after
lifetime until finally fed up, ready to pull one's hair out, ready to
scream, ready to go mad, they become so desperate as to do whatever it takes
to let go of the illusion of there being a locked cell door on their self
made prison. does one continue to choose death or do they choose life. my
own near death experience showed me this. i was fortunate to realize that i
had been dying versus living. when i realized this i realized it was my
attitude about life. in fact my life was pretty wonderful, i was doing what
made me passionate, its just that i couldnt get out of the way. in the end i
was fortunate enough to have the choice to live. i was shown i would be born
all over again, forgetting everything i had struggled so hard to wake up too
and start all over again. it has been challenging work to become more of who
i am on a daily basis. but the rewards are well worth it.
sounds to me like you dont want to live fiona. for if you did you would do
whatever it takes to move forward. you would risk everything for you do know
that you have all that you need within you to do so. but because you fixate
on the past, you cant get past the projection to see the real picture show.
this is a repeat of the last line of reasoning from awhile ago. your mother
doesnt have anything whatsoever to do with you. you do. it is a cop out to
blame someone else for what they did. for as long as you hold onto that it
will continue to burn you. kind of like self-flagellation. one's own private
version of S&M.
blessed ye be, whether you choose to believe it or not. as long as you
believe it with your mind you will spin your tires endlessly going nowhere.
the only kind of AAA (towing service) help you will get is in the form of
negative outcomes created by the shadows you continue to keep hidden.
mirror, mirror, on the wall...
"The Wizard"
Magical Happenings Inc.,
----- Original Message -----
From: "Fiona Tulk" <lifestreamsATnospambigpond.com>
To: <K-list >
Sent: Sunday, April 29, 2001 12:12 AM
Subject: [K-list] Birthday .. Deathday
> I held a one day old baby boy in my arms the other day ..
> perfect in his newness.
>
> But as I held him I knew he was damaged. Part of his brain was
> damaged. I shared my energy with his small body.
> When his mother was pregnant she had told us she knew on some
> level he was a boy and she just didn't want a boy. She wanted
> another girl.
>
> His 5 year old sister knew too .. she told us so ..
> From the time he was conceived she knew.
> But she had to play along with Mummy because, in her words,
> "Mummy doesn't like boys".
>
> So she pretended it was a girl too.
> She knew the truth .. but had to please her mother.
>
> Right up to when he was born, the Mother pretended it was a girl.
> At the birth, she was genuinely shocked when it wasn't.
> She had held the birth back. Held onto him until she finished
> work. Held onto him until the day she decided he would be born.
>
> Then aided by a shot of pethidine, she held back the contractions
> because she didn't want to push.
>
> Baby took over and literally catapulted out of her. If he hadn't
> he may not have survived.
> As I held him and allowed him to take whatever energy he needed ..
> there was sadness. But for whom? He was alive and if the determined
> line of his mouth was anything to go by, he would be very, very
> strong.
>
> I recognised the mirror in me.
> I never got to hold my little brother. He never made it ..
> mother miscarried .. twice ..
>
> The shock of the first one left a heavy scar on the psyche of the
> 4 year old me. No wonder I scarred my forehead - twice in the same
> place. My little brother died but I had known he existed .. even if my
> mother could never have acknowledged him .. or accepted my knowing.
> I also remember her horror when I was 18 and she thought she was
> pregnant .. which was news to me because I thought she hated sex!
>
> She told the family in hushed tones - as if we were in church. She
> was shocked and recoiled when I gave her a big hug. She told the
> family how 'strange' I'd been.
>
> My little brother trying to get back in again ..
> No wonder anunda meant so much .. in part he represented to me my
> little brother lost .. twice. What a burden for the living to carry.
> Dead babies projected on the living.
> Dead relatives projected on the child.
> My mother held me back before my birth. Two weeks of holding on ..
> then her horror was compounded by the horror of having a child
> born on Friday 13th.
> It earned me a reputation of 'jinxed'. Great way to start life.
>
> Plus, to her, as she so often told me, I was the image of a
> mother- in-law she hated. A vile projection thrown my way since I can
> remember .. that I looked like the "other Nanna".
> Being held back and controlled has been my all pervading
> unconscious program. Mother wants to own my life and everyone in it.
> She still actively prays that I will 'come to my senses'.
>
> I did ..but not her idea of 'senses'.
> About now should be the anniversary of my real birthday ..
>
> As my birthday gets closer - 2 weeks to go - my birth memories are
> getting even stronger. the infant me's struggle to survive in the womb,
> the physical exhaustion form fighting her body, feelings of being
> smothered by her ..
> Right through my own clearing process over the last few years,
> Ihave feared Mother's will - alive in me .. and that cutting all of my
ties
> with her will end in death .. mine or hers.
> My body remembers and aches. It aches from the internal fight.
>
> Nanna wanted another child to replace the ones she lost.
> and I was conceived through Nanna's prayers.
> She was always praying for another baby.
>
> My Mother was just a vehicle.
> The incubator who became the incubus.
> My Mother had to do what Nanna wanted. Always.
> She never had any choice.
> I have remembered.
> These are all memories that are coming up out of my body as
> a 12 monthly cycle repeats itself. I have inherited all Nanna's issues
> and Mother's issues .. carried within my physical body
> as part of my personality and psyche.
> My struggle to break the chain seems like forever and I can now see
> how the basis for reincarnation and reproducing in the same genetic line
> is set up .. very incestuous.
>
> Someone tried to tell me I chose my parents .. what a joke ..
>
> I was prayed for and preyed on ..
> created by the matriarchal projections of their own needs.
>
> There was no choice for my soul ..
> If my mother can't control me she'd rather I was a Saint ..
> you get brownie points for Saints.
>
> My conception was to fulfill generations of women obsessed with
> their own soul's survival .. and redemption.
> Bit like the baby I held .. small, damaged, jaundiced .. not what
> my mother expected as her 'reward' .. alien to her.
>
> In her eyes, I still am .. so she continually tells me.
> It should be my birthday now .. but she had decided otherwise.
> Her favourite saying is .. "we've just got to survive it all"
>
> Now I know what she is talking about.
> >> To be continued .. >
>
> Fiona Tulk
> Hobart Tasmania
>
> http://www.anunda.com/fiona.htm
>
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