To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/04/29 18:59
Subject: Re: [K-list] Birthday .. Deathday .. the end of the line- not necessarily
From: Rodrick Colbert
On 2001/04/29 18:59, Rodrick Colbert posted thus to the K-list:
Fiona,
Who named you Fiona, meaning white and fair?
Nonetheless, the Bahai Faith teaches that all souls
are conceived at birth and begin their mystical
ascension thereafter to reunite with the Unknownable
Essence, better known as God.
This ascension takes place begins at this plane of
existence and continues thereafther this physical
reality.
Therefore , your birth and your mother's death are
unrelated.
Thanks,
Rodrick
--- Fiona Tulk <lifestreamsATnospambigpond.com> wrote:
> My mother died when she gave birth to me.
>
> The shock of giving birth to her second child sent
> her out of her
> body. She died.
>
> It should be my birthday .. but my mother held onto
> me and didn't
> want to give birth. I was 'overdue' .. but not of my
> choosing.
> I am not just second best to an angel but I am
> second best to my
> mother who paid the ultimate sacrifice of 'giving up
> her life' for
> her child. No wonder she is such a matriarch.
>
> And when she died she 'saw'
> and knew the everything she had been taught by the
> Church
> was a lie.
>
> She 'died' and saw herself giving birth to me.
> She saw me before she gave birth .. but the shock of
> dying and the
> realisation of the 'lie' has meant that she has
> never 'seen' me
> since.
>
> And I saw her too.
> In utero .. during my birth .. I knew my mother had
> left her body
> and I was left to struggle out of the birth canal by
> myself.
>
> My neck had the cord twisted around it and my head
> was damaged.
> I have always had the most debilitating sore throats
> .. particularly
> around my birthday .. and there were pressure marks
> on my head ..
> for 6 months afterwards. Her birth canal almost
> crushed my head.
>
> There is pain now on the left side of my head as I
> write.
>
> I had to struggle to get out of the 'dead' body of
> my mother so I
> could live. Hard to breathe and the fight nearly
> killed me. She
> didn't want to let me go .. even then. Even if it
> had meant my
> death. Our survival became inextricably linked to
> each other.
> My body believes I killed my mother and every time I
> approach my
> birthday .. my body remembers.
>
> Every time I face a re-birth and/or I cut ties from
> my mother,
> there is the body belief that I could kill her ..
> And , as at my birth, she knew, she would know again
> and project her issues on me to stop the re-birth
> process.
> All my life I was never good enough no matter what
> I've done ..
> usually to gain her approval.
>
> All my life I've been unconsciously trying to make
> up for
> 'killing' my mother by trying to be what she wanted
> and to 'atone for my sin' of being born.
>
> All my life I haven't been able to break from her
> expectations ..
> even during birth when she died.
>
> I couldn't be what she wanted and the disappointment
> has killed
> her once. And she has made me pay .. consciously
> and unconsciously.
> Over and over at each birthday I have been very sick
> .. very sick.
> My 13th and 21st birthdays in particular ..when
> there was a chance to
> clear these birth issues.
>
> My birth meant her death and I had to pay by
> complete obesience to
> her wishes. My re-birth will mean her death and
> possibly mine too.
> Birth equates with death in my body and the body
> doesn't
> differentiate ... but the mind fears the experience
> because it
> knows it needs the body to clear this shit.
>
> This process cannot be an intellectual exercise
> because the mind
> depends on the body to pull it through .. to change
> the thought form.
> Birth, to this body, means that someone dies ..
> and when I die I know I could be re-born again.
> But re-born to die again? Possibly in the birth
> process itself ..
> The body doesn't know any different .. it is its
> genetic encoding.
> This belief has been buried so deep.
> It's in my mother too - the fact that I was born on
> her 28th
> birthday in the unconscious hope it would clear this
> genetic line.
>
> It didn't. It couldn't.
> It has needed to be cleared consciously in
> consciousness.
> The prayers of a long line of ancestral martyrs ..
> It has been my legacy to clear the genetic issues of
> the ancestral
> Nun who gave birth to the bastard child .. the
> devil's spawn.
>
> The child didn't live .. it was disposed of with the
> assistance of
> the priest who fathered it .. just one more baby
> secretly buried
> underneath a Convent rose garden.
>
> But the vibration of the nun, her unresolved guilt
> and grief ..
> her fear of eternal damnation
> and the code of silence around her
> has travelled down the female genetic line .. to
> me.
>
> Her guilt has impregnated the wombs of this genetic
> line of women
> .. with death ..
> So that each child born faced a real threat of dying
> in the birth
> process or being the cause of its mother's death.
> The unspoken guilt has got stronger and stronger
> with each
> generation ..
> a long line of women who miscarried, lost children
> at birth, or
> never had any and never knew why ..
> and now I am the last of the line.
>
> This fetid cancer dies with me ..
> in consciousness and in this physical body.
> My gift to all those women who came before me ..
> maybe now they can go Home.
>
> It will never infect another innocent's life ..
> it will never form the basis for the conception of
> another child
> of this genetic line .. It stops here .. with me.
>
> It has been acknowledged and dissolved and returned
> to the
> no- thing from which it manifested through the self
> judgement
> created by the Mother Church ..
> out of guilt and lack, fear and religious self
> righteousness.
>
> I cannot change the past and cannot live for the
> future ..
> all I can do is live in this moment.
> Fiona Tulk
> Hobart Tasmania
>
> http://www.anunda.com/fiona.htm
>
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