To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/04/29 00:44
Subject: [K-list] Birthday .. Deathday .. the end of the line
From: Fiona Tulk
On 2001/04/29 00:44, Fiona Tulk posted thus to the K-list:
My mother died when she gave birth to me.
The shock of giving birth to her second child sent her out of her
body. She died.
It should be my birthday .. but my mother held onto me and didn't
want to give birth. I was 'overdue' .. but not of my choosing.
I am not just second best to an angel but I am second best to my
mother who paid the ultimate sacrifice of 'giving up her life' for
her child. No wonder she is such a matriarch.
And when she died she 'saw'
and knew the everything she had been taught by the Church
was a lie.
She 'died' and saw herself giving birth to me.
She saw me before she gave birth .. but the shock of dying and the
realisation of the 'lie' has meant that she has never 'seen' me
since.
And I saw her too.
In utero .. during my birth .. I knew my mother had left her body
and I was left to struggle out of the birth canal by myself.
My neck had the cord twisted around it and my head was damaged.
I have always had the most debilitating sore throats .. particularly
around my birthday .. and there were pressure marks on my head ..
for 6 months afterwards. Her birth canal almost crushed my head.
There is pain now on the left side of my head as I write.
I had to struggle to get out of the 'dead' body of my mother so I
could live. Hard to breathe and the fight nearly killed me. She
didn't want to let me go .. even then. Even if it had meant my
death. Our survival became inextricably linked to each other.
My body believes I killed my mother and every time I approach my
birthday .. my body remembers.
Every time I face a re-birth and/or I cut ties from my mother,
there is the body belief that I could kill her ..
And , as at my birth, she knew, she would know again
and project her issues on me to stop the re-birth process.
All my life I was never good enough no matter what I've done ..
usually to gain her approval.
All my life I've been unconsciously trying to make up for
'killing' my mother by trying to be what she wanted
and to 'atone for my sin' of being born.
All my life I haven't been able to break from her expectations ..
even during birth when she died.
I couldn't be what she wanted and the disappointment has killed
her once. And she has made me pay .. consciously and unconsciously.
Over and over at each birthday I have been very sick .. very sick.
My 13th and 21st birthdays in particular ..when there was a chance to
clear these birth issues.
My birth meant her death and I had to pay by complete obesience to
her wishes. My re-birth will mean her death and possibly mine too.
Birth equates with death in my body and the body doesn't
differentiate ... but the mind fears the experience because it
knows it needs the body to clear this shit.
This process cannot be an intellectual exercise because the mind
depends on the body to pull it through .. to change the thought form.
Birth, to this body, means that someone dies ..
and when I die I know I could be re-born again.
But re-born to die again? Possibly in the birth process itself ..
The body doesn't know any different .. it is its genetic encoding.
This belief has been buried so deep.
It's in my mother too - the fact that I was born on her 28th
birthday in the unconscious hope it would clear this genetic line.
It didn't. It couldn't.
It has needed to be cleared consciously in consciousness.
The prayers of a long line of ancestral martyrs ..
It has been my legacy to clear the genetic issues of the ancestral
Nun who gave birth to the bastard child .. the devil's spawn.
The child didn't live .. it was disposed of with the assistance of
the priest who fathered it .. just one more baby secretly buried
underneath a Convent rose garden.
But the vibration of the nun, her unresolved guilt and grief ..
her fear of eternal damnation
and the code of silence around her
has travelled down the female genetic line .. to me.
Her guilt has impregnated the wombs of this genetic line of women
.. with death ..
So that each child born faced a real threat of dying in the birth
process or being the cause of its mother's death.
The unspoken guilt has got stronger and stronger with each
generation ..
a long line of women who miscarried, lost children at birth, or
never had any and never knew why ..
and now I am the last of the line.
This fetid cancer dies with me ..
in consciousness and in this physical body.
My gift to all those women who came before me ..
maybe now they can go Home.
It will never infect another innocent's life ..
it will never form the basis for the conception of another child
of this genetic line .. It stops here .. with me.
It has been acknowledged and dissolved and returned to the
no- thing from which it manifested through the self judgement
created by the Mother Church ..
out of guilt and lack, fear and religious self righteousness.
I cannot change the past and cannot live for the future ..
all I can do is live in this moment.
Fiona Tulk
Hobart Tasmania
http://www.anunda.com/fiona.htm
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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