To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/04/26 05:44
Subject: [K-list] Good one for Seekers ..
From: K R Ranjeesh
On 2001/04/26 05:44, K R Ranjeesh posted thus to the K-list:
If U R a truth seeker Read this with an open mind ..
This is an autobiographical account of One of the Master who became
enlightened at
the age of 21 ( Name of the master is immaterial ..But reading this is
really worth even though too lengthy)
Master :- I am reminded of the fateful day of twenty-first March, 1953.
For
many lives I had been working -- working upon myself, struggling, doing
whatsoever can be done -- and nothing was happening.
Now I understand why nothing was happening. The very effort was the
barrier,
the very ladder was preventing, the very urge to seek was the obstacle.
Not
that one can reach without seeking. Seeking is needed, but then comes a
point when seeking has to be dropped. The boat is needed to cross the
river
but then comes a moment when you have to get out of the boat and forget
all
about it and leave it behind. Effort is needed, without effort nothing
is
possible. And also only with effort, nothing is possible.
Just before twenty-first March, 1953, seven days before, I stopped
working
on myself. A moment comes when you see the whole futility of effort. You
have done all that you can do and nothing is happening. You have done
all
that is humanly possible. Then what else can you do? In sheer
helplessness
one drops all search.
And the day the search stopped, the day I was not seeking for something,
the
day I was not expecting something to happen, it started happening. A new
energy arose -- out of nowhere. It was not coming from any source. It
was
coming from nowhere and everywhere. It was in the trees and in the rocks
and
the sky and the sun and the air -- it was everywhere. And I was seeking
so
hard, and I was thinking it is very far away. And it was so near and so
close.
Just because I was seeking I had become incapable of seeing the near.
Seeking is always for the far, seeking is always for the distant -- and
it
was not distant. I had become far-sighted, I had lost the
near-sightedness.
The eyes had become focussed on the far away, the horizon, and they had
lost
the quality to see that which is just close, surrounding you.
The day effort ceased, I also ceased. Because you cannot exist without
effort, and you cannot exist without desire, and you cannot exist
without
striving.
The phenomenon of the ego, of the self, is not a thing, it is a process.
It
is not a substance sitting there inside you; you have to create it each
moment. It is like pedalling bicycle. If you pedal it goes on and on, if
you
don't pedal it stops. It may go a little because of the past momentum,
but
the moment you stop pedalling, in fact the bicycle starts stopping. It
has
no more energy, no more power to go anywhere. It is going to fall and
collapse.
The ego exists because we go on pedalling desire, because we go on
striving
to get something, because we go on jumping ahead of ourselves. That is
the
very phenomenon of the ego -- the jump ahead of yourself, the jump in
the
future, the jump in the tomorrow. The jump in the non-existential
creates
the ego. Because it comes out of the non-existential it is like a
mirage. It
consists only of desire and nothing else. It consists only of thirst and
nothing else.
The ego is not in the present, it is in the future. If you are in the
future, then ego seems to be very substantial. If you are in the present
the
ego is a mirage, it starts disappearing.
The day I stopped seeking... and it is not right to say that I stopped
seeking, better will be to say the day seeking stopped. Let me repeat
it:
the better way to say it is the day the seeking stopped. Because if I
stop
it then I am there again. Now stopping becomes my effort, now stopping
becomes my desire, and desire goes on existing in a very subtle way.
You cannot stop desire; you can only understand it. In the very
understanding is the stopping of it. Remember, nobody can stop desiring,
and
the reality happens only when desire stops.
So this is the dilemma. What to do? Desire is there and Buddhas go on
saying
desire has to be stopped, and they go on saying in the next breath that
you
cannot stop desire. So what to do? You put people in a dilemma. They are
in
desire, certainly. You say it has to be stopped -- okay. And then you
say it
cannot be stopped. Then what is to be done?
The desire has to be understood. You can understand it, you can just see
the
futility of it. A direct perception is needed, an immediate penetration
is
needed. Look into desire, just see what it is, and you will see the
falsity
of it, and you will see it is non-existential. And desire drops and
something drops simultaneously within you.
Desire and the ego exist in cooperation, they coordinate. The ego cannot
exist without desire, the desire cannot exist without the ego. Desire is
projected ego, ego is introjected desire. They are together, two aspects
of
one phenomenon.
The day desiring stopped, I felt very hopeless and helpless. No hope
because
no future. Nothing to hope because all hoping has proved futile, it
leads
nowhere. You go in rounds. It goes on dangling in front of you, it goes
on
creating new mirages, it goes on calling you, 'Come on, run fast, you
will
reach.' But howsoever fast you run you never reach.
That's why Buddha calls it a mirage. It is like the horizon that you see
around the earth. It appears but it is not there. If you go it goes on
running from you. The faster you run, the faster it moves away. The
slower
you go, the slower it moves away. But one thing is certain -- the
distance
between you and the horizon remains absolutely the same. Not even a
single
inch can you reduce the distance between you and the horizon.
You cannot reduce the distance between you and your hope. Hope is
horizon.
You try to bridge yourself with the horizon, with the hope, with a
projected
desire. The desire is a bridge, a dream bridge -- because the horizon
exists
not, so you cannot make a bridge towards it, you can only dream about
the
bridge. You cannot be joined with the non-existential.
The day the desire stopped, the day I looked and realized into it, it
simply
was futile. I was helpless and hopeless. But that very moment something
started happening. The same started happening for which for many lives I
was
working and it was not happening.
In your hopelessness is the only hope, and in your desirelessness is
your
only fulfillment, and in your tremendous helplessness suddenly the whole
existence starts helping you.
It is waiting. When it sees that you are working on your own, it does
not
interfere. It waits. It can wait infinitely because there is no hurry
for
it. It is eternity. The moment you are not on your own, the moment you
drop,
the moment you disappear, the whole existence rushes towards you, enters
you. And for the first time things start happening.
Seven days I lived in a very hopeless and helpless state, but at the
same
time something was arising. When I say hopeless I don't mean what you
mean
by the word hopeless. I simply mean there was no hope in me. Hope was
absent. I am not saying that I was hopeless and sad. I was happy in
fact, I
was very tranquil, calm and collected and centered. Hopeless, but in a
totally new meaning. There was no hope, so how could there be
hopelessness.
Both had disappeared.
The hopelessness was absolute and total. Hope had disappeared and with
it
its counterpart, hopelessness, had also disappeared. It was a totally
new
experience -- of being without hope. It was not a negative state. I have
to
use words -- but it was not a negative state. It was absolutely
positive. It
was not just absence, a presence was felt. Something was overflowing in
me,
overflooding me.
And when I say I was helpless, I don't mean the word in the
dictionary-sense. I simply say I was selfless. That's what I mean when I
say
helpless. I have recognized the fact that I am not, so I cannot depend
on
myself, so I cannot stand on my own ground -- there was no ground
underneath. I was in an abyss... bottomless abyss. But there was no fear
because there was nothing to protect. There was no fear because there
was
nobody to be afraid.
Those seven days were of tremendous transformation, total
transformation.
And the last day the presence of a totally new energy, a new light and
new
delight, became so intense that it was almost unbearable -- as if I was
exploding, as if I was going mad with blissfulness. The new generation
in
the West has the right word for it -- I was blissed out, stoned.
It was impossible to make any sense out of it, what was happening. It
was a
very non-sense world -- difficult to figure it out, difficult to manage
in
categories, difficult to use words, languages, explanations. All
scriptures
appeared dead and all the words that have been used for this experience
looked very pale, anaemic. This was so alive. It was like a tidal wave
of
bliss.
The whole day was strange, stunning, and it was a shattering experience.
The
past was disappearing, as if it had never belonged to me, as if I had
read
about it somewhere, as if I had dreamed about it, as if it was somebody
else's story I have heard and somebody told it to me. I was becoming
loose
from my past, I was being uprooted from my history, I was losing my
autobiography. I was becoming a non-being, what Buddha calls anatta.
Boundaries were disappearing, distinctions were disappearing.
Mind was disappearing; it was millions of miles away. It was difficult
to
catch hold of it, it was rushing farther and farther away, and there was
no
urge to keep it close. I was simply indifferent about it all. It was
okay.
There was no urge to remain continuous with the past.
By the evening it became so difficult to bear it -- it was hurting, it
was
painful. It was like when a woman goes into labour when a child is to be
born, and the woman suffers tremendous pain -- the birth pangs.
I used to go to sleep in those days near about twelve or one in the
night,
but that day it was impossible to remain awake. My eyes were closing, it
was
difficult to keep them open. Something was very imminent, something was
going to happen. It was difficult to say what it was -- maybe it is
going to
be my death -- but there was no fear. I was ready for it. Those seven
days
had been so beautiful that I was ready to die, nothing more was needed.
They
had been so tremendously blissful, I was so contented, that if death was
coming, it was welcome.
But something was going to happen -- something like death, something
very
drastic, something which will be either a death or a new birth, a
crucifixion or a resurrection -- but something of tremendous import was
around just by the corner. And it was impossible to keep my eyes open. I
was
drugged.
I went to sleep near about eight. It was not like sleep. Now I can
understand what Patanjali means when he says that sleep and samadhi are
similar. Only with one difference -- that in samadhi you are fully awake
and
asleep also. Asleep and awake together, the whole body relaxed, every
cell
of the body totally relaxed, all functioning relaxed, and yet a light of
awareness burns within you... clear, smokeless. You remain alert and yet
relaxed, loose but fully awake. The body is in the deepest sleep
possible
and your consciousness is at its peak. The peak of consciousness and the
valley of the body meet.
I went to sleep. It was a very strange sleep. The body was asleep, I was
awake. It was so strange -- as if one was torn apart into two
directions,
two dimensions; as if the polarity has become completely focused, as if
I
was both the polarities together... the positive and negative were
meeting,
sleep and awareness were meeting, death and life were meeting. That is
the
moment when you can say 'the creator and the creation meet.'
It was weird. For the first time it shocks you to the very roots, it
shakes
your foundations. You can never be the same after that experience; it
brings
a new vision to your life, a new quality.
Near about twelve my eyes suddenly opened -- I had not opened them. The
sleep was broken by something else. I felt a great presence around me in
the
room. It was a very small room. I felt a throbbing life all around me, a
great vibration -- almost like a hurricane, a great storm of light, joy,
ecstasy. I was drowning in it.
It was so tremendously real that everything became unreal. The walls of
the
room became unreal, the house became unreal, my own body became unreal.
Everything was unreal because now there was for the first time reality.
That's why when Buddha and Shankara say the world is maya, a mirage, it
is
difficult for us to understand. Because we know only this world, we
don't
have any comparison. This is the only reality we know. What are these
people
talking about -- this is maya, illusion? This is the only reality.
Unless
you come to know the really real, their words cannot be understood,
their
words remain theoretical. They look like hypotheses. Maybe this man is
propounding a philosophy -- 'The world is unreal'.
When Berkley in the West said that the world is unreal, he was walking
with
one of his friends, a very logical man; the friend was almost a skeptic.
He
took a stone from the road and hit Berkley's feet hard. Berkley
screamed,
blood rushed out, and the skeptic said, 'Now, the world is unreal? You
say
the world is unreal? -- then why did you scream? This stone is unreal?
--
then why did you scream? Then why are you holding your leg and why are
you
showing so much pain and anguish on your face. Stop this? It is all
unreal.
Now this type of man cannot understand what Buddha means when he says
the
world is a mirage. He does not mean that you can pass through the wall.
He
is not saying this -- that you can eat stones and it will make no
difference
whether you eat bread or stones. He is not saying that.
He is saying that there is a reality. Once you come to know it, this
so-called reality simply pales out, simply becomes unreal. With a higher
reality in vision the comparison arises, not otherwise.
In the dream; the dream is real. You dream every night. Dream is one of
the
greatest activities that you go on doing. If you live sixty years,
twenty
years you will sleep and almost ten years you will dream. Ten years in a
life -- nothing else do you do so much. Ten years of continuous dreaming
--
just think about it. And every night.... And every morning you say it
was
unreal, and again in the night when you dream, dream becomes real.
In a dream it is so difficult to remember that this is a dream. But in
the
morning it is so easy. What happens? You are the same person. In the
dream
there is only one reality. How to compare? How to say it is unreal?
Compared
to what? It is the only reality. Everything is as unreal as everything
else
so there is no comparison. In the morning when you open your eyes
another
reality is there. Now you can say it was all unreal. Compared to this
reality, dream becomes unreal.
There is an awakening -- compared to THAT reality of THAT awakening,
this
whole reality becomes unreal.
That night for the first time I understood the meaning of the word maya.
Not
that I had not known the word before, not that I was not aware of the
meaning of the word. As you are aware, I was also aware of the meaning
--
but I had never understood it before. How can you understand without
experience?
That night another reality opened its door, another dimension became
available. Suddenly it was there, the other reality, the separate
reality,
the really real, or whatsoever you want to call it -- call it god, call
it
truth, call it dhamma, call it tao, or whatsoever you will. It was
nameless.
But it was there -- so opaque, so transparent, and yet so solid one
could
have touched it. It was almost suffocating me in that room. It was too
much
and I was not yet capable of absorbing it.
A deep urge arose in me to rush out of the room, to go under the sky --
it
was suffocating me. It was too much! It will kill me! If I had remained
a
few moments more, it would have suffocated me -- it looked like that.
I rushed out of the room, came out in the street. A great urge was there
just to be under the sky with the stars, with the trees, with the
earth...
to be with nature. And immediately as I came out, the feeling of being
suffocated disappeared. It was too small a place for such a big
phenomenon.
Even the sky is a small place for that big phenomenon. It is bigger than
the
sky. Even the sky is not the limit for it. But then I felt more at ease.
I walked towards the nearest garden. It was a totally new walk, as if
gravitation had disappeared. I was walking, or I was running, or I was
simply flying; it was difficult to decide. There was no gravitation, I
was
feeling weightless -- as if some energy was taking me. I was in the
hands of
some other energy.
For the first time I was not alone, for the first time I was no more an
individual, for the first time the drop has come and fallen into the
ocean.
Now the whole ocean was mine, I was the ocean. There was no limitation.
A
tremendous power arose as if I could do anything whatsoever. I was not
there, only the power was there.
I reached to the garden where I used to go every day. The garden was
closed,
closed for the night. It was too late, it was almost one o'clock in the
night. The gardeners were fast asleep. I had to enter the garden like a
thief, I had to climb the gate. But something was pulling me towards the
garden. It was not within my capacity to prevent myself. I was just
floating.
That's what I mean when I say again and again 'float with the river,
don't
push the river'. I was relaxed, I was in a let-go. I was not there. IT
was
there, call it god -- god was there.
I would like to call it IT, because god is too human a word, and has
become
too dirty by too much use, has become too polluted by so many people.
Christians, Hindus, Mohammedans, priests and politicians -- they all
have
corrupted the beauty of the word. So let me call it IT. IT was there and
I
was just carried away... carried by a tidal wave.
The moment I entered the garden everything became luminous, it was all
over
the place -- the benediction, the blessedness. I could see the trees for
the
first time -- their green, their life, their very sap running. The whole
garden was asleep, the trees were asleep. But I could see the whole
garden
alive, even the small grass leaves were so beautiful.
I looked around. One tree was tremendously luminous -- the maulshree
tree.
It attracted me, it pulled me towards itself. I had not chosen it, god
himself has chosen it. I went to the tree, I sat under the tree. As I
sat
there things started settling. The whole universe became a benediction.
It is difficult to say how long I was in that state. When I went back
home
it was four o'clock in the morning, so I must have been there by clock
time
at least three hours -- but it was infinity. It had nothing to do with
clock
time. It was timeless.
Those three hours became the whole eternity, endless eternity. There was
no
time, there was no passage of time; it was the virgin reality --
uncorrupted, untouchable, unmeasurable.
And that day something happened that has continued -- not as a
continuity --
but it has still continued as an undercurrent. Not as a permanency --
each
moment it has been happening again and again. It has been a miracle each
moment.
That night... and since that night I have never been in the body. I am
hovering around it. I became tremendously powerful and at the same time
very
fragile. I became very strong, but that strength is not the strength of
a
Mohammed Ali. That strength is not the strength of a rock, that strength
is
the strength of a rose flower -- so fragile in his strength... so
fragile,
so sensitive, so delicate.
The rock will be there, the flower can go any moment, but still the
flower
is stronger than the rock because it is more alive. Or, the strength of
a
dewdrop on a leaf of grass just shining; in the morning sun -- so
beautiful,
so precious, and yet can slip any moment. So incomparable in its grace,
but
a small breeze can come and the dewdrop can slip and be lost forever.
Buddhas have a strength which is not of this world. Their strength is
totally of love... Like a rose flower or a dewdrop. Their strength is
very
fragile, vulnerable. Their strength is the strength of life not of
death.
Their power is not of that which kills; their power is of that which
creates. Their power is not of violence, aggression; their power is that
of
compassion.
But I have never been in the body again, I am just hovering around the
body.
And that's why I say it has been a tremendous miracle. Each moment I am
surprised I am still here, I should not be. I should have left any
moment,
still I am here. Every morning I open my eyes and I say, 'So, again I am
still here?' Because it seems almost impossible. The miracle has been a
continuity.
Just the other day somebody asked a question -- 'Master, you are getting
so
fragile and delicate and so sensitive to the smells of hair oils and
shampoos that it seems we will not be able to see you unless we all go
bald.' By the way, nothing is wrong with being bald -- bald is
beautiful.
Just as 'black is beautiful', so 'bald is beautiful'. But that is true
and
you have to be careful about it.
I am fragile, delicate and sensitive. That is my strength. If you throw
a
rock at a flower nothing will happen to the rock, the flower will be
gone.
But still you cannot say that the rock is more powerful than the flower.
The
flower will be gone because the flower was alive. And the rock --
nothing
will happen to it because it is dead. The flower will be gone because
the
flower has no strength to destroy. The flower will simply disappear and
give
way to the rock. The rock has a power to destroy because the rock is
dead.
Remember, since that day I have never been in the body really; just a
delicate thread joins me with the body. And I am continuously surprised
that
somehow the whole must be willing me to be here, because I am no more
here
with my own strength, I am no more here on my own. It must be the will
of
the whole to keep me here, to allow me to linger a little more on this
shore. Maybe the whole wants to share something with you through me.
Since that day the world is unreal. Another world has been revealed.
When I
say the world is unreal I don't mean that these trees are unreal. These
trees are absolutely real -- but the way you see these trees is unreal.
These trees are not unreal in themselves -- they exist in god, they
exist in
absolute reality -- but the way you see them you never see them; you are
seeing something else, a mirage.
You create your own dream around you and unless you become awake you
will
continue to dream. The world is unreal because the world that you know
is
the world of your dreams. When dreams drop and you simply encounter the
world that is there, then the real world.
There are not two things, god and the world. God is the world if you
have
eyes, clear eyes, without any dreams, without any dust of the dreams,
without any haze of sleep; if you have clear eyes, clarity,
perceptiveness,
there is only god.
Then somewhere god is a green tree, and somewhere else god is a shining
star, and somewhere else god is a cuckoo, and somewhere else god is a
flower, and somewhere else a child and somewhere else a river -- then
only
god is. The moment you start seeing, only god is.
But right now whatsoever you see is not the truth, it is a projected
lie.
That is the meaning of a mirage. And once you see, even for a single
split
moment, if you can see, if you can allow yourself to see, you will find
immense benediction present all over, everywhere -- in the clouds, in
the
sun, on the earth.
This is a beautiful world. But I am not talking about your world, I am
talking about my world. Your world is very ugly, your world is your
world
created by a self, your world is a projected world. You are using the
real
world as a screen and projecting your own ideas on it.
When I say the world is real, the world is tremendously beautiful, the
world
is luminous with infinity, the world is light and delight, it is a
celebration, I mean my world -- or your world if you drop your dreams.
When you drop your dreams you see the same world as any Buddha has ever
seen. When you dream you dream privately. Have you watched it? -- that
dreams are private. You cannot share them even with your beloved. You
cannot
invite your wife to your dream -- or your husband, or your friend. You
cannot say, 'Now, please come tonight in my dream. I would like to see
the
dream together.' It is not possible. Dream is a private thing, hence it
is
illusory, it has no objective reality.
God is a universal thing. Once you come out of your private dreams, it
is
there. It has been always there. Once your eyes are clear, a sudden
illumination -- suddenly you are overflooded with beauty, grandeur and
grace. That is the goal, that is the destiny.
Let me repeat. Without effort you will never reach it, with effort
nobody
has ever reached it. You will need great effort, and only then there
comes a
moment.when effort becomes futile. But it becomes futile only when you
have
come to the very peak of it, never before it. When you have come to the
very
pinnacle of your effort -- all that you can do you have done -- then
suddenly there is no need to do anything any more. You drop the effort.
But nobody can drop it in the middle, it can be dropped only at the
extreme
end. So go to the extreme end if you want to drop it. Hence I go on
insisting: make as much effort as you can, put your whole energy and
total
heart in it, so that one day you can see -- now effort is not going to
lead
me anywhere. And that day it will not be you who will drop the effort,
it
drops on its own accord. And when it drops on its own accord, meditation
happens.
Meditation is not a result of your efforts, meditation is a happening.
When
your efforts drop, suddenly meditation is there... the benediction of
it,
the blessedness of it, the glory of it. It is there like a presence...
luminous, surrounding you and surrounding everything. It fills the whole
earth and the whole sky.
That meditation cannot be created by human effort. Human effort is too
limited. That blessedness is so infinite. You cannot manipulate it. It
can
happen only when you are in a tremendous surrender. When you are not
there
only then it can happen. When you are a no-self -- no desire, not going
anywhere -- when you are just herenow, not doing anything in particular,
just being, it happens. And it comes in waves and the waves become
tidal. It
comes like a storm, and takes you away into a totally new reality.
But first you have to do all that you can do, and then you have to learn
non-doing. The doing of the non-doing is the greatest doing, and the
effort
of effortlessness is the greatest effort.
Your meditation that you create by chanting a mantra or by sitting quiet
and
still and forcing yourself, is a very mediocre meditation. It is created
by
you, it cannot be bigger than you. It is homemade, and the maker is
always
bigger than the made. You have made it by sitting, forcing in a yoga
posture, chanting 'rama, rama, rama' or anything -- 'blah, blah, blah'
--
anything. You have forced the mind to become still.
It is a forced stillness. It is not that quiet that comes when you are
not
there. It is not that silence which comes when you are almost
non-existential. It is not that beautitude which descends on you like a
dove.
It is said when Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist in the Jordan
River,
god descended in him, or the holy ghost descended in him like a dove.
Yes,
that is exactly so. When you are not there peace descends in you...
fluttering like a dove... reaches in your heart and abides there and
abides
there forever.
You are your undoing, you are the barrier. Meditation is when the
meditator
is not. When the mind ceases with all its activities -- seeing that they
are
futile -- then the unknown penetrates you, overwhelms you.
The mind must cease for god to be. Knowledge must cease for knowing to
be.
You must disappear, you must give way. You must become empty, then only
you
can be full.
That night I became empty and became full. I became non-existential and
became existence. That night I died and was reborn. But the one that was
reborn has nothing to do with that which died, it is a discontinuous
thing.
On the surface it looks continuous but it is discontinuous. The one who
died, died totally; nothing of him has remained.
Believe me, nothing of him has remained, not even a shadow. It died
totally,
utterly. It is not that I am just a modified RUP, transformed, modified
form, transformed form of the old. No, there has been no continuity.
That
day of March twenty-first, the person who had lived for many many lives,
for
millennia, simply died. Another being, absolutely new, not connected at
all
with the old, started to exist.
Religion just gives you a total death. Maybe that's why the whole day
previous to that happening I was feeling some urgency like death, as if
I am
going to die -- and I really died. I have known many other deaths but
they
were nothing compared to it, they were partial deaths.
Sometimes the body died, sometimes a part of the mind died, sometimes a
part
of the ego died, but as far as the person was concerned, it remained.
Renovated many times, decorated many times, changed a little bit here
and
there, but it remained, the continuity remained.
That night the death was total. It was a date with death and god
simultaneously.
luv
Ranjeesh
Citibank London
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