To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/04/02 21:23
Subject: [K-list] Little Flower
From: Fiona Tulk
On 2001/04/02 21:23, Fiona Tulk posted thus to the K-list:
My Nanna was born second best to an angel. My mother told me today
that Nanna had an older sister, called Teresa, who died at 5
months.
Nanna was the next child conceived on the energy of a child
who had died. It left an open scar on her psyche. Her unconscious
mantra of 'never being good enough' coloured her life and
determined her death.
My birth, just after my Mother's 28th birthday, which was under the full
impact of Saturn Return, and had brought up my mother's own birth
issues which she unconsciously transferred onto me in utero, was
compounded by all of Nanna's birth issues passed straight onto
me via the mtDNA.
I was living my Nanna's life under the influence of my mother's
own birth issues. Double Jeopardy.
Their issues became my issues and became the unconscious
mantra linking three generations of women.
I remember as an 8 year old being taught to pray to St. Teresa.
Legend had it that when she died she sent a shower of
roses from Heaven so she was also known as the Little Flower.
My Nanna taught me a prayer I used all my life. A very simple
prayer ..
"Little Flower in this hour,
show your power and help me."
I only knew the child's story of St.Teresa but her story of
unselfish and unconditional love for her God, her devotion of her
life even when she suffered great pain and her passion of her
vision left an indelible impression on me.
In my life whenever I was in the depths I called on the Little Flower
for help. And she always did.
Always.
I'll never know who I was really praying to .. my infant Great Aunt
or St. Teresa. It doesn't matter.
The Little Flower became my symbol. Little Flower saved my life.
More than once.
But underneath it all was my Nanna and Mother's belief of 'never
being good enough'. No matter what.
It was an all pervading litany. It dominated my life too.
My working life, family and relationships. Over and over again.
A silent self sabotage. In jobs. In love. I sabotaged opportunities ..
I never knew why.
And deeper still was the belief that I had to do penance to the
Church for 'not being good enough' and being the one to survive
(Nanna's issue)
My Nanna worked for the Church her whole life .. for free.
My Mother still does voluntary work for the Church.
Their beliefs became my beliefs through subtle and not so subtle
transference.
My Mother would never approve of me .. no matter what.
So I looked outside myself to be recognised and accepted and
looked to other people to define who I was.
Mother Church would never accept me for who I really am. I
believed I couldn't survive without church approval.
It has taken a long time to move beyond the Church
as my means of survival.
It was a lose-lose situation. A record repeated over and over and
even the flip side played the same song.
Mother .. Side A
Mother Church .. Side B.
Same tune .. different words.
But today with that one small piece of the puzzle so much more
fitted. I saw so very clearly the this 'record' is NOT mine
and is NOT who I AM.
It is a recording that belongs to another place in time.
Memories belonging to Mother and Nanna.
There has been alot of work to come to this still point.
And now I am 'here'?
I know I won't play the same record again. It can return to the
Akashic Record from whence it came. It belongs in the Past and has
no place in the Future.
That's all I know. There is closure now .. for a very long line of
women.
That which I sought .. found me.
Little Flower can rest now.
Little Flower in this hour,
you have shown your power to help me.
I thank you and I let you go.
Fiona Tulk
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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