To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/28 12:24
Subject: [K-list] Needs
From: Wim Borsboom
On 2001/03/28 12:24, Wim Borsboom posted thus to the K-list:
Dear So & So.
You wrote:
> I like your sense of filling a need... I have often found that need is an
> indication of imbalance. For instance, when I spend way too much time
> tip-tapping at the computer or doing whatever I do that draws me away from
> relating in a thorough way with him, he gets needy. So, then I have to
> spend time filling his need. :)
> I have found that my response to need has been mirrored on the lists...
> sometimes I have gotten quite impatient with need. In retrospect, those
> times would have been excellent moments to check out what was really
> happening in that need dynamic.
> I suppose there are those who have a bottomless pit of need... and it
never
> gets filled.
> I suppose there are those who have learned to fill their own tank.
> pump in hand,
Love that... "pump in hand" :-)
Neediness is OK as long as there is even a faint hope that it will
eventually be 'fully filled' with *real stuff*, honest to god graces, human
gratification (the positive meaning of that word).
Grace and Gratification... the peg that fits the hole perfectly (without any
fumbling...)
Neediness turns into manipulation when the needs get filled incessantly with
surrogate stuff: kisses or candies on the wound, the side stepping dances,
the fumbling 'solutions'.
That is the way we teach each other manipulative behaviour and / or maintain
it.
When one notices that neediness has turned into manipulation one cannot say:
"If you don't stop this I will ...." This will prolong it or even invite the
manipulator to ask for more, even physical punishment. Then of course we
catch ourselves saying: "You asked for it..."
We can stop this...
One can answer: "You won't get anywhere with this, whatever you do or say
will not get you what you think you need/"
Turn around quietly, do not close the door or slam it shut.
Compassionately, patiently and unconditionally apply this...
I know that just saying this will cause some angry reaction in some
readers... (This does not apply to So & So.)
You won't get anywhere with that, whatever you do or say will not get you
what you think you need. (This does not apply to So & So.)
I'm turning around quietly, I am not closing the door or slamming it shut.
(This does not apply to So & So.)
I'm there when you need me, not when you manipulate me... (This does not
apply to So & So.)
Love,
\/\///\/\
(This applies to So & So and anybody else :-)
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