To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/25 10:25
Subject: Re: [K-list] passing on passing judgement (was: Passing Judgement)
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2001/03/25 10:25, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
Nice thought.. May I remind you, that Doms have safewords too, and I
safeworded out of this scene three times already, yet she is still on the
warpath. Consensuality went out the window quite some time ago.
I am unwilling to be a doormat for her continuing accusations. The post
she is responding to, was a mirror I held up to myself, and any mention of
how I see myself reflected in others, was incidental to my own vulnerable
inner exploration.
I was patient, I was tolerant, I defended her against Simon, drove him
off the list, and still it was not enough. I turned my anger and
frustration with her behavior inward until it broke me and I spewed. I
safeworded, again and again and again, on two lists. I apologised. I
looked into the mirror, for days on end.
I did not receive an apology, from her. I'm waiting.
At this point I am well past being patient or compassionate. If she
really wants to be my victim, I'm quite ready to abandon patience, and
tear her into tiny pieces and devour them .. and it will be my great
pleasure to do it, and perhaps is the key to me taking my power back.
She insists she is my victim, when I have done her no harm.. rather,
hurt myself in my efforts to be restrained and compassionate. Enough. That
is my safeword. Enough.Let her find out what it is truly like, to be my
victim, and then perhaps she will be able to see the love in my previous
restraint.
Do you know.. V. asked to be my slave once. I turned her down, because
she was too self centered to be a good slave for me. What you are seeing
with this game she has been playing, is a SAM in action. Is the picture a
little clearer, now? SAMs do not respect safewords, do they?
Once upon a time, I did not punish submissives who provoked me.. then I
learned, that they will keep upping the stakes and harassing till they get
what they want. I learned that it was wiser to surrender, and more.. to
punish them so severely that they learned respect. To not dare to provoke
me again.
I wrote to my sister about how enlightened people have very little of a
social mask, to act differently than they feel. My social mask is in
denying my own expressions in order to try to live up to some spiritual
ideal of kindness and gentleness.. which is what you are asking.. it is not
who I am. you would not love me, if it were.
I bind and gag the berserker Alpha wolf on a road to hell of good
intentions to be a patient and gentle fluffy bunny spiritual person, over
and over, and by now I ought to know better.
He is wiser than me, he is instinct, and I hurt myself when I bind
him. He is my ultimate safeword. My other safewords were not heard, not
even by you. It's time I turned berserker wolf loose and let him have his
way. This is not a consensual game anymore.
It is war, and I will win.. because I must, and because it is what
V.is truly asking for. She does not want my restraint. If she did, she
would have respected my safewords. She wants to feel my claws. She does not
want accusations of victimhood, she wants an experience of it so complete
as to break all of her attraction to being a victim, so she can be free.
percyval wrote:
>we have a tendency on this list to sometimes mercilessly hold up our
>mirrors to people who we want to help see what may seem so obvious to
>us... well, Valerie has just "safeworded" (to borrow a bdsm term)...
>respect for consensuality means that now is time to stop... if we have
>an urge to keep holding up mirrors to Valerie, it is now time to turn
>those mirrors back on ourselves instead...
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