To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/25 07:28
Subject: Re: [K-list] Ego-Bondage and Illusions of Truth
From: Llewellyn
On 2001/03/25 07:28, Llewellyn posted thus to the K-list:
----- Original Message -----
From: "Ganga Karmokar" <crystalkundaliniATnospamhotmail.com>
To: <K-list >
Sent: Saturday, March 24, 2001 11:33 PM
Subject: [K-list] Ego-Bondage and Illusions of Truth
> We are born into this world with a body.
> Some bodies are seen as perfect and some as flawed.
> we are born into a family. Some are glad at the arrival
> and perhaps some are not.
>So all these things begin to create the conditionings and conditions of our
lives.
>The views of our parents and society and friends all have an impact on our
thought structures and perceptions.
> These all come together to create our basic outlook on life
____________________
Ganga - thank you for your post - it came at a good time for me, since i
have been struggling with these issues these past few days
please allow myself to type some thoughts and release them into the ether,
they are nothing more :
when i dropped all illusions of being anyone other than me
living in the now was possible
but alas I ran out of money and i seemed to have only the direction
of returning to my previous life that i had left
so i took that path
only to again find myself in the same pit of despair of feeling too much was
expected of me and i was incapable of meeting those expectations
again in the same rut
why was this possible after being so free of it
so i have been sitting for the past week - wrapped up in figuring out ok - i
know what is going on with this -
but yet i still have not let go
i spent some time cycling through my astrological chart yesterday - just
watching the patterns change over the years and reviewed what was happening
to me at major points in my life-
a sense of awe was returning
ran through all of non-ego stuff - non-attachment - and realized yes - too
attached
but it is less about too much ego
than not enough -
perhaps that was why i was so attached - attached to others acceptance
because no one has ever accepted me
this is also what happened at my spontaneous k awakening
thrown into a mental hospital by my family
rejected by family
rejected by society
rejected by humans
only feel accepted by nature
I was taught over and over - not good enough
not tall enough
not smart enough
always pushed away and considered the reject
my ex-wife's parents laughed when they met me and said their daughter was up
to her old habits of dragging in the rejects
alone
beat by wife
no one to turn to - my family said you made your bed .................
wife tried to kill herself
who was blamed - me
alone
I asked a psychic once what direction i should take and about some family
issues
only response - was i can not believe that you are so alone
so the only time i ever got any acceptance was early on from school - since
even though i wasn't the smartest in my family - and in spite of everything,
i did ok
and later at work - since i hungered for acceptance i worked and did ok
since nothing was expected of me at first i just worked - and received some
acceptance
but acceptance from others was like the drug that kept me towing the line
and never being able to accept me - probably the basis of the protestant
work ethic
so not sure if at this point - do i want to force myself to quit my job so i
can just be again - is that why i have created this roadblock, this junk
that is blocking me - i want to just run away and hide -
last week i just could not face it
pressure to finish a task that just seems to pile on top of me -
but then constant interruptions in my cubicle since they did not want to
think
and i was the 'expert' on the issue -
but to them none of this mattered - to me i cared - and since i cared - i
was sunk -
sunk by the weight of caring too much - yet this is part of me - this is who
i am - this is my program my hardwired program - my way, my astrological and
genetic blueprint
it is not possible for me to not care - so i can not dissolve all
attachment
so it seems what is left is duty - is dharma
but i know it is just the return of an old issue - that i must dissolve -
and not just by escaping society like i did the last time - but by
integrating somehow -
when you are alone and have reached into the void and seen countless voices
then the only place to turn to is inside -
to your own ego - if i had an ego i would just tell the world where to get
off and get on with my life - but this requires either obtaining some
acceptance from others or just becoming the hermit
it is easy reach a state of non-attachment - is it possible to live in a
world of deceit and injustice and poverty and be non-attached -
i feel that i am human now, not just to cycle through these blockages, but
to acheive something - this seems to be a going beyond - just be - is not
enough - there must be an eastern philosophy interacting with western to
create a new paradigm - a new understanding
I will not join a borg collective just to erase my despair of being alone -
i will not join a church to say that i am part of a group and gain
acceptance from others since we form a circle of acceptance - a bubble of
people floating in the void all caught up in one POV - all smiling and
self-congratulatory
one way to think -
one way to be - one of many
just like i can not buy into worshiping a corporatation
or a goddess
if the price of any succor is to give up myself
to turn responsibility for me over to some other
this is the social mold
but some of us have been taught that no where is safe
when your mother mocks you and says
ha ha lew has gone lu lu
that destroys all earthly bonds
i can not this time just give my despair to some authority and turn over my
life and accept and just be - i think that i have done that in hundreds of
lives -
in fact i think that I like my despair - because the despair is the sign of
realization that i am alone - alone to face my dark side- alone to face my
depths - alone to grow an ego
there are no lifelines waiting for me in this life - only divine mockery
after facing human mockery
good day
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