To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/24 23:41
Subject: Re: [K-list] sorry..
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2001/03/24 23:41, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
At 01:06 PM 3/21/01, jb wrote:
>On 3/21/01 at 6:09 AM Mystress Angelique Serpent wrote:
>
>°I'm sorry I sent those last two posts.
>° I'm sorry I've lost my mind.
>° Blessings....
>
>Why sorry? I enjoyed this very much - one remains human until the body
>gives up and there isn't a choice :)
>
>Love,
>Jan
Sigh. thank you Jan.. I needed that. You are so wise.
Thank you to everyone who reached out with love and support. I am so
blessed to have you all in my life.. so blessed. So grateful.
It's funny.. sometimes, people read the Goddess stuff I channel from
the witness state, and forget that I am human, too.. with human frailties.
Sometimes the one who forgets, is me. :)
I went to sleep after I wrote those posts, and felt better when I woke
about 5 hours later... balance recovered. What a blessing. Used to be, it
would take me days to sort myself out, after losing it. Beautiful
Kundalini, I am so blessed by the fruits..
My body is still not really recovered from the burnout I was feeling
from "too much dreaming", tho.. still PMSing sensitive and I really do need
a vacation to just "chop wood, carry water" for a while.. be gentle with
myself, enjoy some solitude.
Lurker week sounds like a great idea. I'm in. I just wanted to say,
I'm OK.. and say thank you.. and share a few thoughts. Quite a few
thoughts. Goes on and on and on...
----------------
hmm. how to begin? Like I always do.. I talk about myself, because
that is all I know, all I can know.. and sometimes people see themselves
reflected, and find value in it. Sometimes it is just me, benefiting by
sorting out my thoughts with a receptive ear..
Being human...
I always thought that someday I'd be totally enlightened and
never have a negative thought again. Naive. I judged anyone who showed a
sharp edge of judgment to be unenlightened, even if they, and everyone
around them, said they were.
Then I became enlightened myself, and saw that so many people I'd
judged, really were enlightened, all along. I saw enlightenment in
everyone, so amazing how my eyes were opened, and a weight of judgments
blew away. Wow, it turns out that enlightenment is incredibly, wonderfully
Human!
Now I cannot tell who thinks they are not enlightened till they tell
me so, or show me the parts of themselves they think are not God-dess... in
words, or by actions.
A few months back when I was still flipping out over X-mas issues, my
older sister judged me for not behaving like she thought a "spiritual"
person ought to behave.. I responded:
> Ya don't lose your emotions with enlightenment, you know.. rather, you
> lose the social mask that represses them. Christ had a fit throwing the
> traders from the temple, and cursed a fig tree to death because it didn't
> give him any figs. Yes, he was wise and compassionate.. he also had a
> temper that could strike a tree dead on the spot because it did not give
> him what he wanted.
>
> People think an enlightened being must be eternally calm, endlessly
> forgiving like some kind of eternal valium. That is not a human being,
> that is a robot. Enlightenment does not make a robot, it makes a fully
> human being, capable of showing the full range of human emotions, and
> childlike, not much able to act differently from how they feel, in the
> moment.. even if the feelings, are not their own. That is the social mask
> of ego, that can make people into robots who hide their feelings behind a
> mask. I used to be such a skillful robot that you had no clue about <the
> family shit happened that I never told her about till a few years ago>.
> The mask was that thick.
> Now, I tell you of my pain, and you tell me how you think a spiritual
> person ought to behave...
she is ten years older than me, but a new seeker.. I see my younger
self, in her..
(she is uncomfortable dealing with the adult I have become, and prefers
to think of me as her "little sister", and call me by my birth name...
which to me, is choosing to relate to my inner child. My inner child never
liked the name either, and finds gigglefits of delight in calling her
"boogerhead"... which she accepts, with tolerance and amusement... and her
last post to me, said hello.. with out needing to add a name. )
Now I know that I'm still human, and I accept the flow of being human.
Here is how I conceptualize the flow.
When my fulfillment, self esteem, energy is at high tide, it hides the
sharp rocks below.. big ships float over unharmed, and I am a safe beach
for swimmers.
At low tide.. when I'm overwhelmed, overtired, frustrated or somehow
out of balance, the same old rocks show up again. When I am in non-duality,
there is no shadow.. If I attach to something, I grow a new ego, and the
Shadow reappears.
-------------------
I took three levels of a personal development course, many years ago..
it taught me many things, and it was the paradigms I used before this
whole "Kundalini" idea took over and gave me new words to use. I didn't
take the final level, they called it "Mastery".. but a friend did, and he
broke the rules to tell me a little about it, because he recognised that
much of what was taught there, I already knew.
In Mastery, they were brought face to face with their shadow side,
encouraged to make friends with it and give it a name, so they could
recognise it when it showed up. A name for who they became, at low tide. He
named his, "Flesh Ripping Demon".. and said it's name with a big smile.
No matter how enlightened we become, we never lose the demon.. it may
become softened, fat and lazy.. the spiritual waters may run deeper, it
still shows up if the tide gets to a low enough ebb... Just part of being
human. :)
-----------------
I make fun of the fluffy bunny white lighters.. I laugh because I used
to be one.. (ohhhhh, yes, it is true.) ... and then as part of that path,
healing myself and integrating my unconscious Divine Beloved, I discovered
my repressed, true sexual orientation: Dominant Sadist.
After the initial shock wore off, I felt like I was 2 people..
polarized. The spiritual artist bunny and the scary Mistress. It felt
weird, so I set to work integrating them. Finding the Spirituality in SM,
and finding the Sadist within the bunny. Bringing the light into the
"obviously" dark world of SM, was actually a delightful
exploration. Shamanic Ritual and Christian self flagellation, the
Dominance of Teachers and seekers. The Zen Master's cane. So rich and
deeply textured. Rewarding. The beauty of consensuality. Discovering people
loved me for something I'd never thought could be positive. Cherished it as
a rare gift.
What was harder, was trying to figger out how I had secretly been
getting my repressed needs met, as a gentle spiritual bunny. Who, me? The
courses had taught me that basic needs are basic needs, they form the
essence of personality, do not change, and are formless...
Basic needs form the essence of individuality. they are different than
what the Buddha means when he says to be "free from need".. Basic needs do
not change with enlightenment, which is why enlightened people are so
unique from each other. The form of how the need gets met may change, but
the basic needs remain. The course taught me to distinguish between the
formless essence of the need, and the form it takes. Forms of fulfillment
change... essential formless needs do not.
For example: One of my needs is "to be provocative".. the need itself is
*formless*, it is a feeling... and the sadism is a related aspect of that
need. Sadism is provocation. Poke poke. Stir up the anthill to watch the
ants react.
To get reactions from people feels fulfilling to me. It validates my
existence. The *forms* it manifested in, were as diverse as in wearing
leather and outrageous clothes, to being a hairstylist changing people's
image, or as an actress getting the audience reaction, as a comedienne, as
an artist, and sometimes, negatively by acting out and shocking attention
getting behavior. Being a Dominatrix was a brilliant way to meet my need,
Yummy! People told me about their buttons and paid me $200./hr, to poke
them. Wheeeeee! Being a healer and Shaktipat Master is a very rich source
of fulfillment in being provocative. Change people's lives forever. Wow! I
never guessed I would find such an amazingly positive way to fulfill the
need to be provocative.
Occasionally someone comes along who needs healing in the form of a
tough love slap upside the head, and I am known for being good at that. : )
Doubly rewarding... and BDSM training taught me to have a feel for limits..
not to slap too hard, just because I like to. To manage my needs carefully,
so they don't manage me, control me. To know the line between tough love
compassion and abuse. Application of the Zen Master's cane.
Needs that are not met consciously, in a positive way, they get met
anyway, in a negative way. What is repressed, comes up ugly.. I'd
discovered a new need.. and wondered how had it been getting met, before?
Puzzled by this for quite a while..
When I found the sadist in the bunny, .. I was horrified. Shocked and
appalled, filled with guilt and self loathing. The bunny was an ugly
fucking B*tch, and the demon's name is "The Righteousness of Victims."
Maybe I should have taken that course, so I could name my demon with
a smile.
I realized that my sadistic outlet, before I "owned" my need for
it, was in a choice to feel like a victim. Because it made me feel
powerful, when I was feeling weak.. at low tide.
Yes, Powerful. To the victim goes the sword of judgment, the righteous
power to punish, the power to accuse.. the weapon of blame, ... the
reasonable, blameless excuse for bloody sadistic revenge. An eye for an eye.
Victimhood, is not automatic.. it is a chosen response. We always have
a choice.
I saw all the times I had *chosen* to feel hurt or offended, to blame
someone else for how I felt, just so I could have a guilt free excuse to
wield these weapons and get my repressed need met. Zero consensuality.
Abuse. I had to face up to being an abusive person. That I was what I had
judged and denied. What a shock.
I was so horrified and disgusted at myself, I vowed never again! The
phrase of power from these courses was "I ATTRACT THAT WHICH OCCURS." When
I felt hurt or offended, I looked within, as Christ-opher is always
suggesting. No new idea to me.
When shit happened, I examined my life to see what I had done to create
that event, and changed within myself. I grew a lot, from this exercise.. I
did my best to practice unconditional love... no judgments, no blame.
After a few years of this, I was so much clearer of judgments.. my
light had gotten so much brighter.. it was such a blessing...
.... and I was surrounded by people who treated me like shit.. and
completely at a loss to figger out why I kept attracting them. The
consensual Sadist was a much more loving, kind, tolerant, forgiving and
gentle person than the bunny. She only hurt people who asked nicely, and/or
paid cash. She had learned to value her talent for sadism, and would not
give it out for free, in response to provocation/ manipulation or insult.
(Some submissives are what we call smart ass masochists, they try to
piss off a Dom to get their needs met.. also known as "topping from the
bottom," or "passive aggression." Manipulative. Mastery is not falling for
it. )
Why was I getting back something that I was not putting out?
Never say never.. what you resist, persists. If you are so resistant to
something, as to vow "never", you will bring it into your life at
lightspeed. The more I resisted being a victim, the more I was being
victimized.
Finally I understood.
slave to Goddess, to be whatever Goddess required me to be.. I was
resistant to being a victim, and what Goddess within these abusive people
was really asking me for, was to reflect Victim back at them. To express
myself when I felt hurt, to call them on their abusive behavior. I forgot
that Doms have a safeword, too.. allowed to say "no" and end the game when
it is not enjoyable.
All the abusive people left my life, within a few months of my
surrendering to being whatever Goddess needed me to be, in the moment..
once I no longer was a "spiritual" submissive uncomplaining door mat for
abuse. Martyred sacrifice to well meaning spiritual ideals.
Unconditional love does not mean being a doormat.
The old vow still gets me sometimes.. I know I am a sadist, and sadism
is most fulfilling, when it is consensual. I keep an eye on that demon,
"Righteousness"... and I'm wary of giving myself lame excuses to be
sadistic... so sometimes I go too far the other way, trying to be gentle...
and become a doormat again. Arg.
I still don't like the role of victim, I find it
dis-empowering. Blame is making someone else be god for me, responsible
for how I feel. Giving my power away. As Byron Katie says, "No one can hurt
me. That's my job. I do that."
<http://www.thework.com/audio/audio_set.htm>http://www.thework.com/audio/audio_set.htm
The irony is, where I truly hurt myself most often, is when I am too
patient, in trying to be gentle and forgiving, and then I snap and the
berserker gets loose.
----------
I am an empath, I take on Karma from people.. I am not fully in control
of the process, although it is much better than it used to be. Dan Winter
and Ken Page helped me get a handle on it.
Ken Page wrote:
> >We will begin with the idea of non-projection of energy. As Ken has
>said in his classes: "One thing which recently came to my attention was
>most metaphysical people are taught and continually asked to project
>energy, light and love to all those around them. An interesting phenomenon
>occurs when we project anything to anybody outside of our own personal
>space, no matter how innocent or well meaning our original intent is. <....>
>As we project our version of anything, (for example, love), to anyone
>else, we are then immediately drawn into an energetic exchange, triggered by
>any polarities and distortions either of us may have over that
>particular feeling, idea, or emotion. As a result, many of us begin to feel
> >psychically beat up, or pushed around and we often have no idea why.
> >Consider the idea of not projecting at all. Rather than send out
>energy of anything, BECOME the essence of the energy itself....in other
>words:
>BE LOVE.
<http://www.kenpage-mch.com/healingtechniques/moment.html>http://www.kenpage-mch.com/healingtechniques/moment.html
--- End forwarded message ---
That is half the story..When I really understood that, I spent several
days discovering intuitively, all the places where I had agreed to be
Goddess for people. People who I love, or have agreed to send love to, in
response to requests for prayers and blessings.. all the directions my
energy was flowing outward. How many people I had been supporting with my
energy, by some unconscious co-dependent agreement that really only enabled
them to hold on to their own beliefs of limitation.
That's the funny thing about the hero game.. Heroes need victims, and
attract victims. The Boddhisattva vow to keep incarnating till all sentient
beings are "saved" is a vow to keep projecting imperfection onto people, so
the game can continue. Horrible, really..
It's just not the same as seeing perfection in what Is.
I went to work, cleaning up the connections, withdrawing the
projections, setting those who were leaning on me to be their crutch, back
onto their own feet. After I did that, I was finally able to quit smoking
pot. I no longer needed it to calm the berserker and soothe the pain of
empathy.
Now, I think I've found the middle path. I see everyone as enlightened,
and don't know who thinks they are not enlightened, until they say so. I
avoid judging people, projecting judgments.. I observe when people judge
themselves, when they are stuck in a polarity, and I reflect it back.
I advertise myself as a pro-Healer.. but there is no aggressive sales
pitch. No fear mongering commercials, that project a need in order to sell
the solution.
I don't project the need for healing onto people. I don't go looking
for flaws and try to "fix" everyone I meet, like I used to. So much more
peaceful to see perfection. When the student is ready, the teacher
appears.. People who want healing, or think they need a teacher, find me.
Money makes a good filter. People who are willing to put their money
where their mouth is, are usually sincere about wanting help, and will
benefit. Just like people who were willing to pay me to torture them, were
unlikely to cry "victim" afterwards. Money is a manifestation of life
energy, and a clear signal of desire and consensuality.
The condition of payment also helps me to stay detached. Like Fiona's
"assassin" post.. not everyone who appears to be asking for help, is
actually receptive to being helped. Sometimes it is a broken winged bird
act. The bird that fakes a broken wing, to draw attention away from the
nest. Decoy. Red Herring. "Poor me" control strategy. Manipulation game.
------------
Once I asked Morgana the Wise Witch, to teach me to do what she
does. She is a pro-healer with much more experience than me, who I hire
when I get really stuck. She said that she could not, because our talents
are different. She named my talent, as Negotiator and said that in some
ways she wished for it as her own talent.. When I asked her to explain,
she said that I have a gift, to negotiate between two opposing views. To
take people into the opposite place from where they are, and show them that
it is not so bad, so they can find a new balance of the Middle path.
It took me quite a while to really understand what she meant, and
understand the many ways my talent manifests. Negotiator is also
manipulator.. provocative in a positive way. Zen.
Negotiator. Bringing opposite sides, contradictory views into unity...
alignment. Agreement. It's kind of a reflex... part of my contrary nature,
and years of practice bringing polarities into unity within myself. Looking
for the exception that proves the rule, and knowing a rule that has an
exception is no longer a rule. Two opposed ideas, brought together, result
in freedom. Agreement. Harmony.
So, when Christopher projects victimhood, I speak out for Free Will.
When JB was complaining of the misery of the world, I speak of Perfection.
When V. is complaining of being a victim, I speak of the abuser within the
choice of victimhood. Reflecting projections back to the source.
----
To a certain extent, projection is unavoidable. Writing an email and
sending it, is projecting ideas.. when writing a post to the list, often I
will get intuitive input from people who will read it, in the future .. how
they will respond to it... maybe that is why writing is so slow for me.
It's nice, in a way because I can, to a certain extent, adjust my
message so I will be understood.. answer questions that will come up from
them when they read it, while I'm writing. Sometimes my posts are a
whole self contained thread, because the process of discussion is part of
the process of writing. There is no response because there is nothing left
to say.
I've had many people write and tell me my posts answered questions
that they had been wondering about, but had not gotten around to asking out
loud. Kewl. Well, now they know why.. because I heard the questions.. tho
usually I do not try to identify who is asking.
Also makes sense why so many messages I write never get posted.
Avoiding the backlash from projections. Not even sure if this one will be
posted. I'm sorting out my own thoughts. I'm talking to myself.. about
myself.. people who may read it, if I ever decide to send it, can choose to
see themselves reflected, or not. Navel gazing might be self centered, but
at least it does not project.
The other half of the empathy thing, is that Karma follows
responsibility.. shit flows uphill to where the buck stops. Thus, taking on
consensual responsibility for someone else's karma allows me to surrender
it on their behalf, and the result can be amazing healing. Job worth doing.
As moderator, I have a certain amount of responsibility for this list..
I was surprised at how much lighter I felt, to shed that burden for a few
days. Helped me realize I'd been taking on too much responsibility for what
I cannot control. :)
V. asked me to take responsibility for her hurt feelings and Simon's
behavior. How can I? I tried.. and crashed.
If I take on stuff that someone else is not willing to surrender,
sometimes I get stuck in it. Goddess won't take it, because She respects
Free Will and they have not agreed to give it up...
Blame, is making someone be God for me. It can serve a very useful
function for a stuck empathic healer, because if Goddess within me won't
take it, I can use blame to hand it back to God within them. Projecting God
outwards, it gives the responsibility for the karma, back to the owner.
Return to sender.
It is not usually the best way to give back karma, there are gentler
methods of intention that I use every day.. but, I have found that
sometimes the best way to deal with someone who is wielding that victim
sword of Righteousness and "poor me" manipulation, is to turn the tables on
them, and reflect victimhood back at them by being their victim. Painful
surgery, but effective.
The abuse within victimhood. Two sides of the same coin. Abuse creates
victims and victims grow up to be abusers and victims are abusive. The kid
with the gun, intent on revenge.. becoming worse than what he resists.
Just like when I realized the fuzzy bunny victim within me, wore hob
nailed boots for shit kicking revenge. The homicidal Bunny monster from
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Maybe I need to make a cartoon of my
demon, so I can love it better.
Polarities.
I have a photo of a lamb with a wolf skin draped over it..
<http://www.fire-serpent.com/post/lambwolf1.jpg>http://www.fire-serpent.com/post/lambwolf1.jpg
Sheep in wolf's clothes. I recognise myself in it. Extreme empathic
vulnerability hidden under leather armor, to fool the predators. Layers of
the onion, like that Arab dish of a camel stuffed with a goat, inside is a
lamb, inside that is a chicken, inside that is a pigeon... A wolf that has
a sheep inside, that has a bunny inside that, and a scorpion inside the
bunny, and.. Goddess is at the center, but She is all the layers, too.. She
is All.
The whole victim/abuser/hero game only exists, on the lower chakra
levels.. I try to rise above it, then see that desire to escape is also
resistance, and I come back down to looking for perfection in the whole
dog-eat-dog game of Natural selection that Goddess made in this free will
zone that is the Earth school of experience.
If I can find perfection, then the whole deal exploded into beauty
that makes me weep Kundalini tears of release. Not there yet, although
watching the ending of "Terms of Endearment last night, helped. Beautiful
tragedy of being Human.
There once was a lady that swallowed a spider..
that tickled and wriggled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.
I dunno why,
she swallowed the fly...
perhaps she'll die.
Hmm.. perhaps I will spend a few more days in solitude, meditating on
that question.. Why oh why did I swallow the fly? Reminds me of the story
of a fish.
<http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/mind/fish.htm>http://www.domin8rex.com/serpent/mind/fish.htm
The fly is bait, the hook of an attachment for a stuck fish trapped in
a human pattern that leads eventually to death, and rebirth as a
fisherman's dinner.
Everything dies.. and so the wheel keeps turning.
I seem to be winding down.. if you are still with me, thanks for
k-list-ening. :)
Writing this post occurred over a period of several days... I guess I
might as well send it.. then go back to lurking. Maybe if I gaze at my
navel long enough, I'll figger out how to take the stone out of my eye.
Someone today asked when lurker week ends.. March 29... but it is a
suggestion, not a rule. Not even a guideline. Just a game, play or don't play.
Since lurker week has been slow.. I'd also like to suggest "Forwarding
amnesty week".. a time to post the stuff like Wim's "Miracle at
MacDonalds", that you have not written, but that made you smile, or you
found useful or inspirational.
That completes the circle. I'm done. Seeya later.
Blessings.....
The dreamer, seeks to run from fear.. but that is as useless as trying to
outrun your shadow.
The Litany against Fear, from "Dune":
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain." ~Frank Herbert.
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