To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/23 23:35
Subject: [K-list] couple of experiences this week
From: Leo
On 2001/03/23 23:35, Leo posted thus to the K-list:
This week has been quite something. From sickness and frustration
earlier in the week, to realization in the latter. I write most of my
thoughts, feelings, etc in a journal. I'll just transfer what i wrote
here:
-------
"I was just starting to read about a Ch'an Buddhist, Master Sheng-
yen. In one moment, my eyes drifted from the words - my attention
turned within. In a flash several "images" came forth from the past
few months, and years. I saw my ego separate from myself then.
I had no idea how much of a slave to this ego i've been throughout
life, and how much more work within there will be before I am freed
from it completely.
I've literally been on a self-destruct path for several years,
gradually increasing in speed, rapidly accelerating in the past few
months [since around Nov.] to the event-horizon. It feels, very
strangely, as if I had nothing to do with this path - like everything
had been set up just as needed for this "death." I can trace the
series of events in my lifetime now, from the latter to the former,
which has led me here today in the midst of a spiritual awakening.
Similarly, my trials of the past few years have been ones similar to
those such as in Ch'an Buddhist traditions, in the sense of
liberating the student of attachment-ego. To put into context: I
would gladly sit for 7 days and 7 nights, in snowy/rainy weather,
suffering verbal and physical abuse by the masters - rather than go
through anything like the last 4 months prior to the new year, again.
It's awakening to see how the events of my life have proceeded as
being necessary to the removal of attachment-ego, when I have had no
conscious desire or consent to do so prior to this year. I feel like
the students who write about their experiences, their pains and
frustrations, ego-rebellions, and temporary resentments towards their
Masters in light of their harshness. I, however, have had no visible
Master to direct these fraying strands of ego gasping for breaths,
toward. I have had no Master to give me tools for dismantling my ego,
or to guide my progress or stagnation. My Master has been an unseen
force in my life, stirring it's tail around in every facet-bowl of my
existence, gradually spilling more of the froth with each new
lesson...
The past several years, generally anywhere from the last 3 to 7
years, have been filled with one experience after another, which has
each worked to remove any sense of self that has been or remained
strong within me. Previous work experiences have usually ended with
more death of 'I,' the learning of humility, the compounding of doubt
in 'I,' etc. Most of that "death" has been in the latter half of last
year. Crushing 'I' completely, in every way possible. The attachment
and integrity of my name, has been removed. Nothing of my existence
could be held to any significance or speciality, anymore. The
illusion of control had been frighteningly taken away from me. The
final descent into the abyss. Ch'an students with harsh Masters
should be so lucky.
But who, or what, has been my Master through all of this?
The question of whether or not Kundalini was awakened at my birth or
early childhood, remains unanswered by my conscious mind at this very
moment. But, how else to explain the experience of events in my life,
so perfectly set in motion at such precise timing, to lead me to this
spiritual path I am now moving into? What else has been my guiding
Master though the years, leading me here (albeit kicking and
screaming)?
What I now understand, is that the desire for enlightenment is ego-
driven, thus perpetuating the existence of ego - the barrier from
enlightenment. To understand the nature of ego so as to be freed from
it, brings from it's process the realization of enlightenment.
I never once considered the pain and suffering of my past to be a
blessing, but I see it as that now."
--------
"I "spoke" with someone this morning around daylight. This was again
like the "drugged" or "half-asleep" state of mind. All was confirmed
just a while ago upon waking up, my mom telling me the news.
At around 3:30am, I felt a massive surgence of energy. I didn't feel
blocked anywhere as I usually do. I was sitting here at the computer,
and then experienced spontaneous meditation where all thought ceases
without intention or intervention by me. The phone rang, but I did
not answer it; instead, I was exhausted and went to bed.
Once I was in bed, though, the energy really went to work as my mind
is silenced again with resting.
I had the general feeling that something was wrong at first. First I
thought something had happened to my dad, then i thought of my
brother sister-in-law who just moved next door. The phone started
ringing again, non-stop. I couldn't get up to answer it - I was
petrified. Then, as I could see light outside, the doorbell rang. I
still couldn't move. I heard my mom get up and answer it, then heard
her getting ready to go somewhere - the sink, hairbrush being set
down on the counter, hairdryer, etc.
Then it happened, and I was relieved. What seemed like forever to put
together, was surprisingly simple. I believe that fear blurred the
communication. What I actually saw were letters - i felt them come
from my niece whom was born at 6:03am this morning. My mom told me
this afternoon that she was named after me - Jordan. I am still fuzzy
on the letters, but the first was always "I". Basically, after
hearing the news that afternoon and contemplating the experience from
that morning, I rested from it with the feeling that my neice was
letting me know she is here. I haven't even seen here yet, and
already feel such a bond with her.
I really have to work on my reception though.. I have to trust more,
and fear less - then, I will see more clearly. What surely could have
been a more direct and clear communication -without the need for
alphebetical letters- was feeble and barely coherent, taking hours to
understand with my egotistical mind still fumbling to make sense of
things it cannot.
The time of around 3:30am, when I went into a spontaneous meditation
and felt the energy surge through me like never before, was the time
when my sister-in-law's labor started. The time around seeing
daylight, and then feeling relieved and moving into sleep, was the
time my neice was born.
I don't know why I felt nothing of Joshua, her twin brother who was
born after her at 6:05am, but mom says he is fine too."
DISCLAIMER!
Home | Archive Index | Search the archives | Subscribe
K. List FAQ | Kundalini FAQs | Signs and Symptoms | Awakening Experiences | K. list Polls | Member Essays | Meditations | List Topics | Art Gallery | Cybrary | Sitemap | Email the moderators.
symbol.