To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/21 13:35
Subject: Re: [K-list] Fiona's Paradox (went by mistake to the K sex list)
From: Susan
On 2001/03/21 13:35, Susan posted thus to the K-list:
> against
> me...
> v
>
Hi little v and all,
I'm new on this list, so I don't really know any of the personalities here,
except from what I've read in the last couple of weeks. Fact is, I didn't
even notice anything deragatory posted about you, Valerie, or notice you at
all until you took offense... I visited your web site, though, when you
posted your link.
Valerie - what I see is that you are a beautiful and powerful woman, only it
appears you don't _really_ know it yet. Like - you are depending on others
for your power instead of tapping your own inner well, which is your true,
bottomless and endless source of energy (love).
I very well may be projecting here, as I am seeing my own past in this
exchange. It was on another (unrelated) list, in 94 or 95. I was going
through my own "thingy-time", which now I think might be labeled "K", but at
the time I didn't know what it was, or might be. I'd sought out a list that
I was hoping might offer me some insight into my "condition". I didn't find
this one, as I didn't even know the word Kundalini.
It was a wonder-full and awe-full time, which ultimately resulted in a total
transformation from the me I was before, in just about every way. I still
see my life now, as before Change/ after Change. During this time, the
magic was amazing to me. The synchs were happening regularly and
everywhere, and instant manifestations seemed to pop in most alarmlingly.
The magic and (siddhis? - is that what you call them on this list? Help
define, someone) were amazing and delighting me, but also so terribly
frightening in a way, as I truly had no precedent for what was going on, and
had not been pursuing this course at all. My whole "thingy", which lasted
in its intensity for about 10 months was spontaneous, and I still wonder
what initially brought it on...
But the list I joined during my early turmoil - I know now it was *exactly*
what I needed at the time. It had a "tormentor" on it, and oh! - what a
worthy tomentor he was! (much more harassing than Simon, I think!) He
appeared everywhere on my computer - 30 emails at a time coming in with odd
and scary things on them... faces like :-{|} and }:-P and single words,
that at the time scared me terribly! He'd pop up with those faces on IRC...
He posted things I'd written to him personally to the list - lines taken out
of context, etc. etc. I was totally freaked for a while, and became very
paranoid, projecting my paranoia outward, where it spiralled to encompass
many other aspects of my life. (stange times, looking back on it all.
still trying to understand it - guess that's why I joined this list)
A dear woman on that list wrote a personal letter to me, and she suggested
that I open to Kali for strength "by fire" as she called it. Which is what
I did, although I didn't even know who the heck Kali was. I cried for 3
days solid, but the power/energy/transmutation that happened after that was
rapid, STRONG, and curative to the max. I lopped most every
dis-empowerment/duty aspect of my life off in one fell swoop - I quit my
job, filed for divorce from my (abusive) 20 yr. marriage, and I ended my
publication (a snail mail 'zine) all on the same day! And here's something
funny --- I posted a post to the list that said,
"You're All A Pack of Playing Cards!" and poooooph - the torment was
gone...
I know now my "tormentor" on that previous list was exactly who I needed, at
that point in time. I later heard that shortly after that, he wound up in a
mental hospital, diagnosed as schizophrenic. I suspect now that he was
going through K, too, and we had drawn each other for the synergy. I send
him love thoughts and giggles still, knowing that he probably knows now what
happened, too.
But anyway - Valerie, the woman who suggested Kali to me, also pointed out
my little s (how I signed my posts) and it rings of your little v, and it
teared up my eyes when I saw your little v, and saw your lovely picture and
felt your power that IS there for you to find.
Love,
Susan (new to list Susan)
P.S. I used to say "I'm sorry" constantly. My ex would stub his toe, yell
at me, and I'd be sorry. My mom would have some imagined slight, and I'd be
sorry... Used to accept the blame for every negative condition of everyone
around me... blame and shame. I'm not a "sorry" person anymore, unless I
truly feel I've done something contrary to my own heart.
<
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