To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/15 18:45
Subject: Re: [K-list] Re: Fiona's Mother - among other things
From: =?Windows-1252?B?Sm9z6Q==?=
On 2001/03/15 18:45, =?Windows-1252?B?Sm9z6Q==?= posted thus to the K-list:
This genetic thing actually scares me. I agree on continuing research to
find out what it's all about, but I'm scared of people who use it in their
arguments, (as in: bipolar disorder is all just genetics) because I find
they often use it not to have to look inside themselves.
> People who adhere too strongly to the 'genetic thing' are hopefully not
> right in saying that some genetic changes do take place sooner or later...
I
> do not want to get into some dangerous implications around the issue of...
> 'eugenics... That is a horrible thing especially when 'blas-thanasia' is
> around the corner. I am told that it was actually DONE not too long ago
even
> here in Canada with mental patients in Alberta. There are court cases,
there
> is much hidden.
As for the last thing: this has happened in Holland already, there were a
few cases. The next newsletter for the bipolar disorder organization will
have suicide as it's theme, we just had a discussion on how to bring this. I
decided to back off completely. The tendency is very dutch (I find): it
should be discussed and brought out into the open (which I agree on) and
basically, it's everybodies right to do so (including euthanasia), which I
do not agree on in cases of mental problems (I often suspect tolerance to be
masking a lack of connection/understanding)
Recently a girl I knew, a very sensitive woman with heavy extreme changing
moods, commited suicide, very well planned, with the guidelines of the
euthanasia organisation here. Many people say she could not be stopped, it's
alright like this, but I'm still angry. I could follow her mind in detail. I
feel, if she would have put all her agressive energy towards herself and
towards the people around her (she made a grand thing out of her exit that
made everybody feel guilty) into a force to put her own life back on the
track, this would not have been necessary.
On the other hand, In a slightly manic mood, some voice told me it was a
couragious suicide, like harakiri, with honor. I cannot figure it out. In
some ways she haunts me.
I wasn't going to, but I should tell you the whole story. This woman was an
ex-girlfriend of my partner, for a short while (apparently he has something
to work out with women with bipolar disorder! We met at totally different
places) She was obsessively in love with him and did not want to let him go.
When Rob and I met, I did not know of her, but once we were together, she
tried to get back to him via me. She was an extremely sensitive and
intelligent girl, but unfortunately with devastating obsessive and
manipulative behaviour. Once I saw this, I confronted her with her strategy,
cut the ties, and asked Rob to be clear about this first, which he
eventually did. He had to decide first, which he did. He finally got honest
to her and really rejected her, and continued with me. Ofcourse I became her
worst enemy, having "stolen" him from her. She hated me for that, although
it was not the truth. She couldn't see he had left her a long time ago.
In spite of both of us having to keep away from her - she kept stalking a
bit - I felt a lot of compassion for her, because I could easily understand
her mind and feel her anxieties, and ofcourse we shared a lot of
moodtroubles, frustrated ambitions etc. I have been scared of her suicide
before, but when she finally did it, it still took me by surprise.
Now for the horror story: Around this time Rob and I had just gotten closer,
sorted out differences and decided to try to get children. Only three months
after her suicide, I got pregnant. Since I was very happy, we never shared
our fears, but after it turned out to be a miscarriage (a so called
"blighted ovum" that stayed there for 3 months, not a developed foetus) we
started talking and found out we both had had the fear it was this woman
trying to be with Rob again. It may sound like projection, but I had the
feeling from the very beginning there was a child with me that only had a
stronge karmic connection with him, not with me.
I also felt it left me in India, but since I did not have a miscarriage, I
ignored the feeling.
Back in Holland we got the terrifying discovery at the ultrasound clinic,
there was no child in there, allthough I was 3 months pregnant. It stopped
growing after nine weeks, which was exactly the time I had the feeling in
India plus a clear dream that the soul had left me. (I joked: at least I got
it a ride to Benares!)
After this, a scary period followed in which I had to wait endlessly to get
an abortion, phone every clinic and hospital - but I could not get it
earlier. I tried to move heaven and earth, since i could not stand it any
longer - it was not possible. Than, at the actual day, lots of weird things
happened, an emergency again before me so I ended up at a totally different
ward I should be in. To find out: that the male nurse handling me - was a
very good friend of the woman that commited suicide. We both got a shock. I
knew instantly this was why we could not get the abortion anywhere else at a
different time. We had a short, strange exchange that ended in a good mood
and we went home. I'm still not sure whether we are still recovering from a
lost child, a suicide or both.
It's OK nevertheless for us - but it's not OK with the suicide. She found
the best way to stalk our minds, so she did.
Any helpful comments are welcome.
Love, José
http://www.kundalini-gateway.org
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