To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/06 19:55
Subject: Re: [K-list] Rambling On...
From: Mystress Angelique Serpent
On 2001/03/06 19:55, Mystress Angelique Serpent posted thus to the K-list:
It is funny, Leo.. you see nothing happening.. I see everything
unfolding as it should.. including you.
At 06:02 PM 3/6/01, Leo wrote:
>..For lack of a better subject title.
>
>I've been on the list for a short time now, but have posted little.
>Mostly I sit and sift through the posts of other's, trying to find
>the sparks of familiarity. I see lots of wisdom in the words from
>this list, but it seems to come in one eye and out the other, leaving
>no evidence the next day of it ever crossing my path.
Good. Why create more attachments and beliefs?
>So many thoughts, but suprisingly so little feeling. It seems as if I
>am a whole different person from one day to the next, from one moment
>to the next, or that I don't know who I am anymore -at all. I spend
>most of the day reflecting on what i'm reflecting on, contemplating
>what surrendering, enlightenment, and the sort really mean to me. I
>ask myself, "how do I feel about everything?, and lately the same
>answer of nothing echoes.
You are spontaneously going into the witness state.. it is utterly
unemotional. Perfect detachment. Does feel strange at first.. try to
appreciate the peace of it. It is truly a state of unconditional love.. no
conditions.. unconditional love feels like nothing, when you are there....
but others respond to it warmly. You may have noticed.. if you thought to
look.
>I still battle with what is really happening and what is imagination.
>I seem to forget the visuals i've had while laying in bed at night,
>and the beautiful singing that wakes me up in the middle of the
>night, when asking myself if i'm really blessed with an awakening. I
>felt overwhelming love that night i felt (what i call) a divine kiss,
>but I feel none of it now; I feel nothing, not even the hint of the
>passionate(including sexually), funny, and unusually empathic person
>that used to be there.
Goddess is surrendering you.. events happen at night when the ego is
surrendered in sleep.. and in the daytime you have the anaesthesia of the
witness state, and are kept from knowing about the processing that occurs
under that blanket of numbness. What you do not know about, you cannot
interfere with.
>Physically, I still have the sharp, shooting pains throughout my
>lower back and legs.
Leg pains are associated with fears of moving forward.. and the
electric-ice, is the old memories, ancestral stuff coming out of the bones.
I used to get it too.. haven't in years although I feel it now in empathy
with your processing.
> I still smoke, even though i'm disgusted with
>cigarettes. Still eating the same sh**ty foods with no consequence.
It's keeping you grounded.. those behaviors will fall away, on their
own when the time is right.
>Sleeping less, and of "normal" hours now. Exhausted after taking
>short walks through the woods, and sore for days afterwards - this is
>nothing new, i've always half-jokingly said i'd been short-changed
>with my body in this life. I have absolutely NO sex drive, which,
>when I do think about it, saddens me - I used to have such an
>explosive and playful sexuality.
You still have it, it is simply being redirected underground, to
fuel your spiritual growth.
I have some ideas about the meaning of your dreams and visions, but
I chose to snip rather than translate..
>I read through the messege archive. Some answers found there. I can't
>help it; I keep doubting or questioning everything within me. How
>does one surrender and let "it" happen, when one is certainly not
>fortifying in resistance declaring, "NO YOU WON"T GET ME!"?
To cut through mental resistance, surrender body-first. Put the body
into the -forehead to the floor- posture of a Muslim at prayer... a posture
of submission and surrender. The mind will follow along. Another good
posture of submission is that of the surrendering wolf.. flat on your back,
arms and legs spread, throat, genitals and belly exposed and unprotected.
Maybe I *should* resist and suffer physically as other's have
>suffered? At least then I'd have some sort of manifestation, some
>sort of perceptible reason, an acknowledgment of purpose,
>confirmation, or anything whatsoever behind losing my personality, my
>humor, my libido, my creativity, my empathy for other's, etc. etc.
>etc..
Silly Leo.. those things *are* the manifestation.. ego being
dismantled. No worries, you will be reborn anew when the time is right.
>Why do I deserve to have it come easy - without the physical and
>emotional trauma - if in fact i'm having it come at all, instead of
>simply another cycle of going nuts? I don't see things differently,
>or with "illumination." I don't know what enlightenment is, or what
>the blessing of it should feel like. I don't understand things any
>more clear. I don't feel any more connected with others or with life.
>I don't have premonitions, or feelings when I touch things, or any
>senses about people whom I see, or sense anything differently than I
>always have.
Some Zen Buddhists would say you are blessed, to be so free of those
distractions. I think, essentially.. you have been down this road before..
so there is less work to do.
>If anything, I have less to contribute to the lives of others at this
>point in life - now that the parts of me people loved most are gone.
Check in with your friends about whether this is really true or just
your subjective judgment. I suspect those around you are seeing you getting
better.. calmer, more relaxed, less judgmental and argumentative.. peaceful
to be around, radiating love.
>The thought has crossed my mind that Kundalini may have been active,
>or risen since birth. If that be the case, I don't have "blockages"
>in my physical body and chakras - I have Hoover Dams.
:) I think you may be right.. you don't see enlightenment as
anything special because it is normal for you. It was the same for me.. I
didn't know that not everyone has a light on inside their head.. for example.
>I give up. I'm too tired, frustrated, angry, depressed, and lonely to
>wonder, read, and search for answers anymore.
:) Perfect. Surrender means "Give up". You are exactly where you need
to be.
Blessings.....
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