To: K-list
Recieved: 2001/03/06 19:02
Subject: [K-list] Rambling On...
From: Leo
On 2001/03/06 19:02, Leo posted thus to the K-list:
..For lack of a better subject title.
I've been on the list for a short time now, but have posted little.
Mostly I sit and sift through the posts of other's, trying to find
the sparks of familiarity. I see lots of wisdom in the words from
this list, but it seems to come in one eye and out the other, leaving
no evidence the next day of it ever crossing my path.
So many thoughts, but suprisingly so little feeling. It seems as if I
am a whole different person from one day to the next, from one moment
to the next, or that I don't know who I am anymore -at all. I spend
most of the day reflecting on what i'm reflecting on, contemplating
what surrendering, enlightenment, and the sort really mean to me. I
ask myself, "how do I feel about everything?, and lately the same
answer of nothing echoes.
I still battle with what is really happening and what is imagination.
I seem to forget the visuals i've had while laying in bed at night,
and the beautiful singing that wakes me up in the middle of the
night, when asking myself if i'm really blessed with an awakening. I
felt overwhelming love that night i felt (what i call) a divine kiss,
but I feel none of it now; I feel nothing, not even the hint of the
passionate(including sexually), funny, and unusually empathic person
that used to be there.
Physically, I still have the sharp, shooting pains throughout my
lower back and legs. I still smoke, even though i'm disgusted with
cigarettes. Still eating the same sh**ty foods with no consequence.
Sleeping less, and of "normal" hours now. Exhausted after taking
short walks through the woods, and sore for days afterwards - this is
nothing new, i've always half-jokingly said i'd been short-changed
with my body in this life. I have absolutely NO sex drive, which,
when I do think about it, saddens me - I used to have such an
explosive and playful sexuality.
I don't meditate anymore, kept giving me headaches and felt useless.
However, this past weekend I did "go into" what I called a
spontaneous meditation. I was over at a friends house smoking pot for
the first time in years and had a wild ride. I have no idea why I
smoked again, I guess for the sake of smoking itself. He said it
looked like I was smimming (upper body bobbing back and forth in a
rhythm). All I remember now is instantly finding myself standing in
the desert, or more like a dried lakebed with the tumbleweed and all,
no mountains or any other terrain either. I was seeing myself "out of
person" at first, then in person. Heard the swooshing winds whirling
around my head intensly, then THROUGH my head. After that I saw
myself out of person again, but this time only my face with my eyes
closed, the rest of my body hidden away in the [I say ground but it
didn't appear to be ground, I don't know what to call it really].
Then i saw other faces around mine, and more, and more, and more -
until there were infinite faces. Then I felt myself pulled away from
the view of the faces suddenly, and meditation broke with an
unusually violent sneeze - my head and chest hurt for hours.
Recently I've been having a multitude of dreams. I've been able to
make no sense whatsoever of them. I remember one dream from the other
night about fishing. I haven't fished since I was about 10. It seemed
like a whole night's worth of dreaming just to get a boat ready and
go fishing. I caught one fish. It looked weird, neon orange and long
with a snout and teeth. I unhooked it and threw it back. I woke up.
Other dreams have been mostly the normal jibberish. I only get horny
in my sleep, waking up to orgasms - getting quite annoyed at this,
but at least it doesn't take me several days to recover from those in
my sleep..
I read through the messege archive. Some answers found there. I can't
help it; I keep doubting or questioning everything within me. How
does one surrender and let "it" happen, when one is certainly not
fortifying in resistance declaring, "NO YOU WON"T GET ME!"? But still
I feel nothing happening - with the exception of all the best
qualities of myself dieing or now dead.
Maybe I *should* resist and suffer physically as other's have
suffered? At least then I'd have some sort of manifestation, some
sort of perceptible reason, an acknowledgment of purpose,
confirmation, or anything whatsoever behind losing my personality, my
humor, my libido, my creativity, my empathy for other's, etc. etc.
etc..
Why do I deserve to have it come easy - without the physical and
emotional trauma - if in fact i'm having it come at all, instead of
simply another cycle of going nuts? I don't see things differently,
or with "illumination." I don't know what enlightenment is, or what
the blessing of it should feel like. I don't understand things any
more clear. I don't feel any more connected with others or with life.
I don't have premonitions, or feelings when I touch things, or any
senses about people whom I see, or sense anything differently than I
always have.
If anything, I have less to contribute to the lives of others at this
point in life - now that the parts of me people loved most are gone.
The thought has crossed my mind that Kundalini may have been active,
or risen since birth. If that be the case, I don't have "blockages"
in my physical body and chakras - I have Hoover Dams.
I give up. I'm too tired, frustrated, angry, depressed, and lonely to
wonder, read, and search for answers anymore.
-Jordan
Hello! your domain today!
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